Hate That Everyone Knows

[JeezLouise]

Hi Ladies,

I had a natural miscarriage 3 days before my 12 week scan, 11 days ago (still bleeding moderately). Had last week off sick and thankfully this week is half term (I work in a school). It was my first pregnancy and at first I wasn't going to tell anyone except our parents until after the 12 week scan, but I had really bad morning sickness and ended up telling quite a few people at work, also my mum blabbed to a few family members and close friends.

Obviously I was absolutely devastated but I'm trying to stay positive and intend to start TTC straight away once the bleeding stops. But I am absolutely dreading going back to work next week, I don't want sympathetic looks and kind comments because I know they'll just upset me again and I hate the fact that now everyone knows we're TTC. It took 8 months to get our first BFP but there was no pressure, now everyone knows we want a baby it really upsets me because I'm a very private person. I know it's my own fault for getting over-excited and telling people, I could kick myself for being so stupid.

I know it's not very realistic given the time frame but I'm 30 on New Years Eve and I can't face the idea that I'll be 30 and childless, I desperately want to be pregnant again by then. My aunty has a big party every year and I hate the idea of everyone making a fuss off my 30th when half of them know I'm TTC unsuccessfully.

Sorry for the rant,
Lou xx

 

[flisstebbs]

I had a similar problem as had a later mc and loads of people had already guessed/been told etc. This year i had an ectopic and people at work and friends etc also knew. I actually found it easier as I didn't have to explain etc as people generally tend not to come and bring it up. Sometimes you get someone saying sorry, but i found it comforting rather than awful which wasn't what i expected.

I find its easier to tell people i'm taking a break rather if anyone asks about ttc even if i'm not as it gets them off the case.

If it makes you feel better, i thought i'd have children by 30, but I'm going to 34 on monday and NOTHING! However, we are still young in the scheme of things.... if you can concieve you can do the hard bit (i have been told this in recurrent mc clinic!!)

 

[SeonaidMac]

I had a similar problem too. I found out i was 6 weeks pregnant the week before my birthday and we'd planned a huge party with lots of close friends round...so they all found out on my b'day when i was 7 weeks as i wasn't drinking... then i lost the baby at about 10 weeks gutted.... but it was hard as i thought most of them had been told about the mc but i got a message off one asking how the bump was going.. i would've been due in just over 2 weeks since then 2 of them have also announced their pregnant... not easy... BUT it was nice having the support there... people were great xx

PS i'm nearly 34 too so you have loads of time xx

 

[JeezLouise]

Thanks for the reassurance ladies. I know it won't be as bad as I think, but the other thing about working in a school is that there's a huge staff, mostly female 20-40 so loads of pregnancies and births which are always being announced in meetings. One is due any day now, I know it's awful of me but I'm dreading the announcement, which also isn't like me. I hate feeling like this!

Thanks for sharing your experiences and sorry for ranting on,
Lou xx

 

[kirstiii]

Hi Lou,
Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss, that must have been terrible and I hope you're doing ok.
I haven't been on here for a while but I just wanted to share my experience and see if it might help. I had a D&C for a MMC just over a month ago, and went back to work about 3 weeks ago. Only 2 people knew what had happened, so everyone else knew I'd been off 'sick' but not why. I got lots of awkward questions and didn't really know what to say, and in some ways I think it might have been easier if they'd known. I know that sounds weird, but I just felt very out of sorts, and people carrying on treating me normally and asking me to do things and not giving me any slack felt so weird! I sort of felt like I had a secret, like I did when I found out I was pregnant, but the difference was that was a happy secret! The combination of not being able to tell people and it also being a sad horrible secret was pretty tough. I guess the answer is there's no right way to do this, and nothing is ever going to make it easy, but maybe once the initial sympathy on day 1 has died down, it might be easier that people know and are a bit more sensitive about announcing pregnancies etc. I don't know, I'm waffling, but I hope whatever happens that you get the sympathy/space you need to get through this xxx

 

[timtam78]

Hey duck.... I also had a miscarriage recently, end of August. My little one went to sleep at 11 wks so similar time to you. I really thought i was almost out of the woods. I had told my work about a week before that i was pregnant, plus a few friends and family. To be honest, from the work aspect I felt it was easier they knew as i didn't have to make an excuse for all the time off. Plus they have been great. I did get my boss take me into a room for a heart to heart when i went back and i couldn't help but cry. But he told me about his own personal experience. I found it actually helped to talk to people about it, although not at first, i didn't want to talk to a single person for the first 2 weeks, but it does get easier. I think many people that you don't even realise have been through it themselves. I never knew how common miscarriages were, it's just people just don't generally talk about it, but by talking to people i found out about a few who have been through it too.

Hugs

 

[Lozzaste]

Hi, I found myself in this position in June, I was also days before my scan. It's heartbreaking and you're allowed to grieve, don't bear yourself up for feeling sad or needing a cry. I got all the awkward questions at work, so I simply told the nosier ones (it shut them up).
I then made a point of telling everyone who would listen that I was having a break from TTC until next year (I also have a 1yr old who is teething, so quite believable. That put them off my scent and now I'm almost 10 weeks and they don't suspect. I hope anyway! Of course I'm anxious doing this again but I didn't want to look back and wonder why I didn't at least try to have another baby. I hope you're ok. Take it from me, it does get easier. Sending hugs xxx

 

[BunnyN]

So sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard to loose your baby when you have almost passed the 12 week mark. I had a very early loss and only OH knew. I felt quite isolated and lonely because I was carrying on like normal but it was all I could think about and my whole life felt different. In some ways it would have been easier if at least some close family and friends knew. When I got pregnant again we started telling family right away and told everyone else pretty early because like you it was hard to explain morning sickness etc. I also decided that if anything happened it would be awkward sometimes but on the whole I'd rather have the support.

Don't blame yourself for telling people, after all you can loose a baby at any point and you have to start telling people some time, and if you had bad morning sickness people would have started guessing if you didn't tell them and that could be worse because they might still think you are pregnant and unknowingly make thoughtless comments. Everyone is different so there is no one right choice when to tell people but all you can do is what seems right at the time, it's just unfair that it worked out like this for you.

 

[JeezLouise]

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences ladies, its a great comfort. The kids in our school are great but their not backwards in coming forwards iykwim, I'm terrified that they'll ask me where I've been and I'll burst into tears. Also its really hard because you cant just take a minute when you feel like you need to in the middle of a lesson and I know ive got to teach a really depressing poem next week, Im absolutley dreading it but it's good to hear from you ladies that it does get better.

Thanks,
Lou xx