Guilty...

[LuW]

I can't shake that feeling in the slightest.

I was in a 'different' situation last time and wasn't allowed to celebrate or be happy or even talk about it. My ex was rather controlling and I was only 17 at the time. He didn't want anyone to know because he thought it would affect his chances of being deployed and that's all he wanted. It didn't end at all well and the lying ******* has always gotten away with what he did to me and my boy.

But this time I can talk about the baby and OH has been researching and keeps sending me links of things he wants t get the baby while he's at work or telling me exactly whats going to happen and when and things like that.

I just feel so guilty that I couldn't have given my boy any of that. I was given the choice when me and my ex first found out - get rid of it or get out of my life. I stupidly thought he'd come round to the idea (was 5-6 years older than me). Keep thinking if I'd run like he said then everything would be okay that'd I have a 4 year old to run around after now too.

Keep having these dreams too where either he takes my baby from us or he's standing there laughing while I lose this one too.

 

[cocosherbie]

You poor thing, that must be awful Your OH now sounds lovely so try and bring your attention to the present and enjoy this pregnancy the best you can. I know its easier said than done sometimes
hugs xx

 

[LuW]

Thanks,

I'm trying to just keep focusing on the here and now but yeh... It's a tad hard sometimes - spesh when I'm on my own really. Thats when it's worst.

 

[millielaura]

I totally understand what you mean!
I was pregnant at 17 also and my ex was really horrible about it all. He had the same reaction as yours and so we broke up and I planned to go it alone and then I ended up miscarrying at 14 weeks.
When OH and I got preg he was so completely different and it totally threw me. We had a m/c too and I found it tough.

It's hard to go through struggling of ttc when i know it happened by accident with my ex. I felt like you did when I was pregnant and I know I'l feel it again. Really horrible feeling, I feel bad that my first baby wasn't loved by it's dad!
OH when I was preg straight away when it would of been the size of a grain of rice was stroking my belly etc talking to it, ears on my stomach and I found it was such a shock. My ex had always looked in digust at my stomach when I started to show and baby was "that thing". I did just feel like my poor poor first baby. And I expect I'l probably always feel that way and wont ever really get over it, being treated that way especially when so young.
I sometimes blame myself for the m/c , all I did was get stressed and upset as I was going through the breakup and I always think what if the stress caused it even though I've been told it didn't. I loved the baby so much but didn't love its dad any longer and I felt so upset I wasn't giving baby that happy family life. So I will always feel guilty my 2nd baby and hopefully my next sticky bean, will have been a lot more loved than my first baby.
Sorry I have no good advice but judt to let you know you aren't alone and you can Pm me anytime if you want to chat
I hope you are okay xxx

 

[LuW]

Thank you Millie! Hugggsss

I know it sounds awful but I really am glad I'm not alone! Not that I'd wish it on my worst enemy but still.

Will drop you a message if it's okay, would love to follow your journey - totes rooting for a little sticky bean that's brought some super glue with it!