Finding motherhood lonely

[Marymary]

That's it in a nutshell. And it's causing probs between me and Stu.

Since having scarlett I feel lonely and isolated pretty much all the time. I have no friends of my own anymore. We live in bristol, from notts originally- i moved here nearly 6yrs ago for uni and after me and stu decided tostay and buy a home here and all my uni mates left to go back to their home town. Since then I took a teacher training job which wasnt exactly sociable and bloody long and hard so i didnt really meet anyone else, then near the end of it I fell pg and now she's here I dont have anyone to talk to.

Im only 23 and 18months ago I had mates, a life and loads to look forward to. Now i feel trapped. My family dont speak to me, they pretty much abandoned me when i chose to move away to uni and ignored me all the way through my pregnancy, they still have made no attempt to see scarlett. Im struggling and feel like im so alone, no one cares or understands- on the surface I am fine, the ppl I do see I never let on as they r not close enough to be able to help, or want to. But im seriously going under. Stu's sick of it.

In bristol- the place I used to love the only friends I have are thro Stu as he moved here to be near his mates- I always assumed after uni Id move back home but we stayed and his mates have become mine. Ive lost touch with most of mine from notts. The females of his group r lovely and we get on fine but they are early 40's and I cant talk to them like I need- also as they r stu's mates its not good for realtionship moans etc and we have completely diff interrests. I feel like im inadvertenly aging myself- all I have to think about is house work and childcare.. god I love scarlett shes' my world and heartbeat but I NEED to feel like who I am, Mary 23 girl with so much I want to do but cant.

I wanted to travel and learn new stuff about myself- all i know now is that Im sick and tired of being on my own. Stu works away alot from Sunday to thurs and i swear to god when Im on my own with Letty those days I can go the whole 4 days not having had ONE conversation with another adult. I want to scream.

I have no one to ring, to get advice from for letty, no one to even chat to about the bloody weather or news. When I explain these things to stu he gets irrate as if im insulting our life - he's just like "well go make new friends" AS IF its that easy, ppl are already in their friendship groups and its bloody hard trying to just "get" a new friend my age.

I joined the gym and go most days now with Scarlett thinkin as well as losing the baby wieght (another issue) it would be sociable but its not- Ive tried to talk to the other mums but felt so much like a loser its put me off trying again.

Im even beginning to think im losing my ability to be able to chat and be normal with other girls as its getting so scarlett is the only thing i talk about- even if i do meet anyone they'l hardly want a 23 yr old mother cramping their style.

Stu arranged a night out tonight with a mate to go watch 'jethro' in town and I just broke down crying- not cos I dont want him to go but just cos it reminds me that I never do anything with my mates. Im always in- we never get a babysitter as have no one in bristol. The socialble stuff we do is always together or with his mates at our home- i never bloody leave it.

So ive pretty much ruined his night out and he is good to me, he's not a pig or anything and doenst deserve me spoiling the odd night out he gets but Im jealous thats it. I never get an odd night out- and he'd be fine with me doing so but I have no one to go with. How sad is that?

He's getting pissed off with my moods, my crying and saying that I feel my life has ended so soon and turned into my mother's basically. And who can blame him? But thats how it is for me.

I wanted to do a part time course at my local college to meet ppl but by the time I looked into it last month all the places had filled and dont start till sept 08. Im due to finish my training in feb so that wont work and as ive said my workplace is a very old environment, not sociable at all- plus its training so no time really.

Sorry, big whinge over, ive been wanting to post somethin for ages but thought its too miserable to even write but there's no one else and Im really fed up

 

[tuck]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, I can fully sympathise with you though. I live abroad and although I have a few friends none of them have babies so they tend to socialise in the evenings etc and I dont get asked, I dont speak greek (my fault entirely for not trying hard enough) so cannot converse with my neighbours. There are no 'clubs', 'gyms', baby groups etc here so cant even go to those, there are a few other girls in the village that have babies the same time as me but they are a lot younger and have their mums etc to help out, my hi-light is often going to the supermarket!!!!!

are there any baby groups etc in your area that you could try?, try your local NTC as they often have get togethers.

I hope that you start feeling better soon

 

[budge]

tucks pretty much said what i was going to.

join playgroups and swimming clubs. you soon get chatting to people there.

 

[HappyAlice]

and remember you've got us..

i remember feeling the same when i had both my babies but it honestly doesnt stay like it for long, they get bigger, start nursery/school, your life slowly becomes yours again

 

[Babylicious]

I was in the same situatation as you hon and it's hard, but you has us lot

All my friends live out of hull (like 200 miles away) so I guess I'm in the same boat.

PM me if you want to chat

 

[siobhan]

I have been in your situation, and I jknow how hard it is.

When I had my first I moved to a new town, got married and got my own house, pluse had a baby all within 4 weeks!! I didn't know a sole. Im an army wife and I have to move at least every 3 years.

For the first 6 months of my Olivers life I was lonely, I would literally go days with out peaking to someone if my husband was away. If he wasn't away then he was the only person I spoke to.

I bit the bullet in the end and went to a baby group, I was really nervous, but I also knew if I didn't get out of the house soon it was going to start spiraling out of control. Going to the baby group was brilliant! I had so much fun, there were a couple of people there my age (21 at the time), and I ended up going to a pamper night at the local community centre a couple of weeks later with them. The girls I met that first day are still my friends now, even though I have moved to another country since meeting them!! They supported me through so much in the short time I have known them, weaning, walking, paddys, getting rid of dummy, 2 nd pregnancy, breast feeding, sleeping patterns, supporting me while my husband was in Iraq. Its grreat to be able to see there little ones as well, as some were older than mine so it was brill seeing what I was gonna end up with!

I really cant reccomened baby/play groups strongly enough, they were a life line to me!

 

[Sammystar]

firstly, have these.....

It sounds to me like you're in one of those big black holes (that's what I call them) that all people fall into from time to time. Perhaps there's even a bit of PND in there, which if so, explains why you feel unable to talk to the other ladies at the gym and why you feel like a 'loser'.

YOU ARE NOT!!!! Having a baby isn't the end of the world, it's the beginning of something wonderful and believe me, it opens many more doors than it closes. Having a baby acutally makes it much EASIER to make friends, you instantly find common ground with other mums and that makes it easier to break the ice.

You won't be able to do this though until you've cleared some of the 'fog' from your head. I've been exactly where you are now, so I know what you're going through.

Please don't despair, things will improve.

Going to the gym is a really good start. I know how those extra baby pounds can get you down, I've been there too! How about walking as well? Try to force yourself to get out for an hour at least each day (weather permitting) The fresh air will do you and LO the world of good, and it really will help to lift your spirits.

Check out what mother and baby groups there are in your area, check the local paper for soft play groups, aqua baby courses etc and sign up for a few. It may seem a daunting prospect now but once you've dragged yourself there a couple of time, it does start to get easier.

Also, get on the internet and see if you can find a forum which is local to you and aimed at stay at home mums. There's probably a Yahoo group or something similar for people in your area. It's easier to get chatting to somebody online and you may form a friendship before you meet up. Soon you'll find yourself developing a whole new circle of friends, and you'll be going to coffee mornings galore. OK, it might not sound like much now, but it's better to have another mum to chat to whilst your kids are playing together, than sitting home being miserable.

If you want to make new friends, there are SO many opportunities open to you. Having a baby really DOES make it easier to meet people!

Believe in yourself, you're a yummymummy!!

 

[Sherlock]

Ditto what others have said and

On other tracks outside of baby related groups and activities, have you looked around local facilities like libraries and social centres for things like monthly book clubs and so on? I know babysitting might be an issue if your OH is away in the week, but also have a look out in local shops for ads for a babysitter who can provide references. Or when you find a baby group to join you can ask the women there if they know any good people. I'd really work at finding a couple of good babysitters you can call on every now and again as its important you get out and about from time to time.

Hang in there

 

[Penstraze]

Hi, I cant say Ive been there exactly as I dont have a baby but I moved to Cornwall when I was 17 and went through a few patches where I felt very alone and my OH also said well make some friends then like its that easy!

I have made quite a few friends since moving here but not so many very close friends, and thats what we all need someone to talk too!
But I found having my dog helped loads -not suggesting you need to get a dog - but with a cute puppy lots of people want to talk to you and their training groups etc where you can meet people (my dog trainer and I are now good friends!) and I imagine babys are the same its something in common a great conversation started and theirs mother and baby groups etc where you can meet people.
As other people have said I think your biggest problem is you seem to not think people will want to be friends with you or talk to you but no one will laugh at you or not like you for trying to chat if anything people are more wary of quiet people who never talk as they think they dont like them! I know how difficult it can be but it only takes a comment of 'wow he/she's gorgeous how old is she to another mum to get a conversation going and that can be all you need perhaps make a goal to talk to one stranger a day and see how far that takes you I think you would be shocked at the results I was!!
I come from Bristol its a real shame Im not there any more or Id have asked if you wanted to meet up but perhaps there are mums on here in the Bristol area that you could all arrange a meet together perhaps you would find it easier with people you have already spoken to?

 

[Moomum]

I think your best bet would be to find out where your local mother/baby groups are. It will be hard the first time, but I'm sure it will benefit you and Scarlett immensely!

I live in Bristol, but am far too old for you hun

Good luck.

 

[elaine22]

x

 

[zebrastripes]

You pretty much said what I'm feeling,although my situation isn't as bad as yours-my friends are still close by etc.
But feeling your life has ended so soon,I understand that.I think when you have kids young,you have to go through a period of mourning for what could have been,because now your a mum,with full responsibility for another human being,and you can't exactly be so foot loose and fancy free anymore.But what I'm doing is keeping myself occupied as much as I can,and eventually it will pass.

 

[noodle1]

Sent you a pm xx

 

[Marymary]

Thanks everyone. I ve been reading what everyone said and i have tried in last few days to make some changes for e.g I went on netmums.com and was suprised to see how many other mums my age in my area felt exactly how I do. Ive got in touch with one and we might take the kids for a coffee one day- well us for the coffee- you know what I mean! Lol

I also have adopted what one person suggested about trying to speak to one person new each day and make a converstaion- sorry for forgettin who said this lol but its really good. Its takes me out of my comfort zone but makes me feel a bit more human and reconnected with other adults you know?

Im not a shy person- this prob sounds like i am but i used to be mega confident and still can be fine on the surface its just easier to not show any thing underneath.

 

[Moomum]

PM'd you with another suggestion too

 

[Moomum]

PM'd you with another suggestion too

 

[trixipaws]

aww, hun
i can understand about the jealousy of ur OH going out- i just made a post about that myself! but sounds like u hav it really tough
remember u got us here! where abouts are u, maybe theres someone near u could meet up?
oops sorry just read ur later post and youve already arranged 2 meet someone. good luck with that sweety hope u make a good friend and u feel better soon

 

[budge]

how are you foing marymary ?

 

[Marymary]

Hi, well not great Im afraid. sorry.

I have a friend who has a one yr old has been having probs for years with mental health, she's been sectioned in the past and tried suicide quite a few times. Well her fella left her a few motnhs ago and since then shes been on melt down and it all came to a head when police found her driving erractically and she's been admited to hospital and mentally assessed.

she had no family who want to help her as theyve been down this road with her before so when the asessment came back sayin she isnt allowed to go home and be by herself or look after her son (he's at his nans) and she has to live with someone- guess whose name she said. Mine.

Stu's pisses off with me cos I said its fine Ill look after her, but i need to help her- its not like I have a choice. If I dont have her they will keep her in and social services have said that if it happens where she gets sectioned a second time its unlikely she'll get custody of her son.I can hardly say no and be responsible for that can i?

Ive been told by the hosp she is forbidden from seeing her son unless agreed by ss or unsupervised as shes unfit. So she's now living with us.

I need to help her.. its not like I have loads of mates to care for but im loyal to those I do have and she needs me. Stu being so unsupportive tho its horrible ,making me feel even more isolated and pressured cos I need to brave face it for her as she cant be depressed, look after scarlett and be happy for her and to top it all my 11 yr old brother is specailly coming down from notts on tues to meet letty for the first time and i have a suicide watch patient in the house for him to meet... great. He'll go home n tell my parents who already hate me that and they'll go mental and im only trying to do the right thing and it s all falling apart.

Ive had to cancel the meeting with the girl from netmums as its monday when social services have arranged a supervised visit at mine with her son and i have to be there so i cant do that, the girl will prob not be bothered now thinking im clearly strnage or something.

I swear to god, why is this all happening to me now? Im beginning to think Im the one needing help