Feeling quite low because of DH's attitude...

[Julia]

Dear Girls

Me and DH both decided we very much wanted a baby. We are both very sociable and have had a great social life. As you have probably read on other messages, I had a M/C in March of this year which was obviously very upsetting. All the way through trying for a second time, DH kept saying how much he wants a little bean etc....I am now pregnant and Dh is still going out. When he went out the other night, I phoned him at abot 11.30pm and asked him if he would be home by 12.00 because I was feeling vulnerable on my own. He laughed and complained that I was "taking the piss" asking him to come home so early (!?) normally I would be with him but I am looking after myself. He did come home by 12.00 but brought a friend with him (who I know well). The next night he stayed in with me but said "there is no point in me going out cos you will only ask me to come home early again". He is going out tonight and I am still going to ask him to come home by 12.00 because I am not giving up.....we both decided we wanted a baby and now he is not playing fair. I am the only one who is making sacrifices at the moment. PS he is brilliant around the house helping etc.....What shall I do? Say? ETC? I am getting upset abouut this which is exactly what I don't need.

 

[Layla]

hi hun, i think you will get alot of diffrent responces to this..

I personaly think that there is no reason to change his behavour yet, like you said, you had a very active socail life before you fell pregnant, it was something that you both wanted which is great, but just coz you have decided to stop in, doesnt mean he has to at this stage, unless there was something wrong etc

I think men dont understand how we feel, and we over react on alot of things due to hormones, i did it myself at teh start of my pregnany but now i look back and reslise i was being unreasonable with my OH.

I think as long as he is still loveing, careing, and great around the house, takeing some strain off you, there is no reason at this stage why he shouldnt go out as normal, as long as he relises that in the later months and after the babys born, he will have to be there to suport you

sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, i dont mean it in a nasty way, its just what i think

xxxxx

 

[beanie]

Hi Julia,

I went through a similar thing with my OH. Obviously my life changed greatly when I became preganant, I was always tired and sick and therefore didn't go out like I used to etc etc. OH continued to go out but I did not mind. However after a while I really started to resent him for it, he could go out whilst I had to stay in (I was on bedrest then) and he continued to speand his money how he wanted. Well this ended up in a horrible arguement when I decided thast I didn't want him around no more and that he obviously didn't care. Eventually we sat down and had a massive talk. I expalined how I felt and he told me that he didn't know that him going out upset me so much, and he had been scared as we thought we had lost the baby and he was trying to cope with that etc. It was a tough talk but I found out so much that I didn't know and we have been so close since. He still goes out, but not as much and if I say that I feel down or something then he won't go or won't stay out so late. I now understand that it affects him in ways I don't understand. I hope you and your bloke sort it out, it is such a scary time even if you have been tryingfor a while or just got pregnant it is still a shock. I wouldsuggest sitting down and having a talk, it helped me so I hope it works for you. Take care of yourself hon xxx

 

[Julia]

Thanks girls

I have to look at it both ways I suppose. I know that DH is tense and does not want to be disappointed....so going out is probably the way he deals with the stress (I would do the same). I am also feeling very nervous and also feel a bit jealous because DH is also going to have a lovely little baby but at the same time can have fun along the way....I just feel a bit lonely at the moment and uncared for. He is getting ready to go out as I am typing this to his friends "wetting the baby's head" session. It is not that he comes in really drunk - I just think it is a man's thing. I don't want to nag him beacuse I have never done that. I think I will go out tonight (and not drink) and try to relax.........nagging does ont work, I know. Any other answers?

 

My OH is still going out down the pub all the time and to be honest it drives me up the bloody wall. I'm sat at home all day as I've been signed off and can't afford to go out with my girl friends but he can go down the local and sink a few a couple of time a week at least. It does my head in and I can sympathiise hun. As for what to do - no idea - nothing I've done has worked!!

 

[Julia]

I can't be bothered to nag anymore - nagging does not work from my experience. I am not a nagger anyway - never will be hopefully. BUT I went out last night and had a really lovely evening. I had two glasses of red wine (which relaxed me) followed by about 4 pints of squash, water, J2O.......I relaxed alot and then became very tired (again). Came home, watched my fave DVD (fawlty towers (sad)). Fell asleep and was woken by DH coming home from baby head wetting session. I told him to sleep in the other room so I could have the bed to myself, which he did not complain about........had lovely dreams, woke up and I am now sunbathing whilst reading the sunday papers.............FEEL A BIT BETTER NOW but STILL PISSED OFF!!!!!! I must try to be in a better frame of mind for my little sesame seed's sake!!!

 

[Manda]

I know how you feel girls, i moved to Oz in March and soon after found out i had problems with pregnancy oh continued to go out while i was left at home in a strange country not knowing anyone, i felt so isolated but thought he could get it out of his system now cos when baby is born things will have to change, i am now 29 weeks and have been told my cervix is opening so baby could come at any time, i haven't stopped him going out but have banned him from drinking, one thing that did upset me was when we had a chat - ok arguement the other day he said it's me who's having problems and we both don't have to suffer, i just wanted to yell at him that it's his baby too, really feel like coming back to Uk at times but trying to make a go of it here.

 

[Julia]

Manda

It must be a difficult time for you, especially in a different country. I think that most men (not all), close their eyes to problems which may end up hurting them also. You are right, it is his baby also. Me and my hubby made the decision to have a baby TOGETHER. Therefore, I want to go through the highs and lows together. BUT unfortunately, men are only interested in the highs. It does not mean to say that he doesn't care - HE DOES. Men handle problems in different ways. My Dad is the loveliest man in the world - I would have loved to have married my Dad "type" but even he gets annoyed and shouty if my mum becomes ill (which is not often (touch wood). My husband thinks I am weird crying about silly things where I think he is weird for trying to ignore things. Men and women are built and brought up differently. A man's way of coping is to go out and have a few to drink (which I also do, or did). Women seem to prefer to stay in and work things out carefully (and get upset and worried).

I often feel that my hubby does not care but then at other times, he shows me in lovely ways that he does. He likes time to himself which I feel is his way of sorting things out in his head.
Please be strong, Manda. Many of us are in the same boat (although not in a different country , which makes it seem worse). Good luck with everything!!!!

Julia xx

 

[mdmcholet]

Personally I do not understand why men think its ok to go out night after night on there own - they are in a relationship and the priorty is to your partner, especially once a little one is on the way.

Going out occassionaly with the boys is fine - but if you want to act like your single and do what you want, when you want, then be single - your actions affect others and part of committing to someone making your life revolve around that person, not your mates and how many times you go out drinking a month.

My hubby is not like that, actually I am more social than he is.

Mini rant over

 

[-Cat-]

Hi Julia and girls,
Poor you hun, its a difficult situation that a lot of pregnant women will fully relate to. Like you say its not worth nagging DH asthat only puts a blokes back up.
The reason why this behavior is so common is that us women are a lot more emotional than men, hense we talk and express ourselfs more and get upset easily. Men on the other hand dont tend to be so good with emotions, they instead think in a practical sense, if there is something they can do to help they will do it, if on the other hand you just want someone to empathise with you, they are not so good. In the early stages of pregnancy, to a man, nothing is different, they dont tend to understand what we are actually physically going through, as to them its to early for things like that, their attitudes tend to change as they 'see' change, when we start to show, and the baby kicks etc, then it starts to seem more real to them. Unfortunatly this dosent help you when in the first trimester you may be feeling sick, tired and emotional.
Perhaps try sitting down and having a chat with him, give him some information on whats happening to you at the moment (I have my OH reading from a week by week pregnancy book) so he understands whats goingon with me at each stage, that way he also understands hormonal outbursts, and can also feel more involved. Perhaps tell him things he can actually do to help (appealing to his practical side) if say your feeling very tired od sick, suggest he cooks the dinner or helps with the housework?
perhaps explain to him that you really need his support a thte moment, and suggest that he goes out with his friends on certain nights, like thurs, fri and sat where he can stay out as long as he likes, but on the understanding that on the other nights, he spends quality time staying at home being with you.
Try not to get upset over his behavior, its hard when your feeling valnerable and you want DH there for you, but perhaps try coming to a comprimise.