Feeling pressured to let MIL look after LO

[joj]

My OH and I both feel pretty similar about this, we don't trust his Mum and Dad with Jessie yet but we do mine. I feel a bit guilty about it but I just wouldn't feel safe leaving her with them and OH feels the same. We haven't left her with my parents yet but would both feel a lot more comfortable with that although I still don't feel ready to leave her with anyone but my OH yet. Now his Mum is starting to get a bit pushy about looking after Jess for a while and we're running out of polite ways to say no! The reasons we don't want them to have her yet are:
-They have a dog who bites everyone but them and they always forget to shut him out of the room when we're there.
-MIL is always telling us Jess is fat and we need to cut down her milk
-She thinks it's safe to put Jess on the table even though we've told her she can roll over she thinks that because she hasn't done it round there yet it's safe!
-She thinks it's safe to put Jessies vibrating chair on the side so she doesn't have to bend down to look at her.
-She thinks we should be weaning already as it will help Jess lose weight!
-She thinks car seats are unnecessary!
It started with MIL saying she wanted her own buggy, when we asked her why she wanted one she said for when she had Jess for a weekend as we must let her have Jess for a weekend because we do my parents. My parents live 200 miles away and we go and visit, they never have Jess on their own. Now my Dad has got a job here so that won't be an issue but she still wants a buggy to 'push Jess round the living room'. We know that she is saying that so we don't kick up a fuss about her getting one and that she'll gradually build up how long she takes Jess out for. Yesterday my OH and I were out for the day with Jess and she phoned and asked where we were because she wanted to take Jess in the pram. We said we were having a day out as OH has been really busy lately and we wanted some family time. She replied she'd be round in 15 minutes to take Jess if we could be back by then!! OH explained that we were having a day together and as Jess was poorly anyway (she has a rotten cold) we wanted to keep an eye on her. She then went off on one saying why was it ok for us to take her out but she couldn't! She then phoned again at about 9pm saying was it ok to come and take Jess out, we explained she was in bed and she said how we'd been out with Jess later than that before, I explained that we didn't get her out of bed for that, we were round her house for a meal, Jess was in the house all the time and she wasn't poorly then. After I got off the phone with her my OH was saying how although we don't want her to yet, we'll have to let her take Jess out or something soon. I really don't want to though!
Well done if you got to the end of that! Am I over-reacting? What would you do in the same situation?

 

[Becky]

I completely understand where you're coming from!! My MIL is very similar although she's rubbish at asking straight out, she just hints a lot!

My personal feeling is that you should follow your instincts. If that means you don't leave you LO with your MIL then tough. Imagine how you'd feel if something were to happen and you'd ignored your feelings.

Think about what you'd be happy with and offer that to your MIL (say going for a walk round the block or whatever) and then take it as it comes. I never felt comfortable with MIL having Lucy as a baby and as she always hinted rather than asked I never offered. It's only now that MIL has retired she's started asking to have Lucy. Personally I have no problem with this on occasion but she wants to have her every week. I don't want that so I've said no, but instead offered a compromise that I am happy with - every 2 or 3 weeks but not set in stone.

If she doesn't like the compromise then it's tough, you're being more than reasonable and as parents it has to be on your terms - not hers.

 

[littlepip]

Ure MIL sound's like a right donut to me!! Since when does she think its ok to take a baby in a car without a car seat?!!? I wouldn't let her take my child either!!! I can completely understand where ure coming from. It must be a hard situation to be in. But don't feel pressured by her into letting her take YOUR daughter. She should respect that to be honest she's ure child not her's x

 

[charlie84]

I have gotta say your MIL sounds a bit

I dont blame you for not wanting her to look after LO and to be honest with you if my MIL was like that there is no way she would ever look after my LO unless she had a complete change of attitude.

As for going without a car seat well 1 its against the law and 2 Bloody hell can she not see how dangerous it is

And demanding to see her when you were on a day out then at 9 in the evening, has this woman no sense

Sorry i sound harsh but going on what you have said about her she could put your child in danger. If anything were to happen whilst the baby was in her care

Just tell her that you arent having anyone look after her at the moment and if you ever need her help you will let her know. If she continues to bug you then maybe just be firm and say no thankyou and end the convo.

I have yet to leave Calleigh with anyone for too long as she is breastfeeding and wont take a bottle so have to be with her for feeds. However today i left her with my mum for bout 45 mins while i popped to PC world, i thought about her the whole time but i trust my mum 100%. Have left her with OH too for a short amount of time to go run the car through the jetwash. Thats about it really.

TBH hun dont leave her with anyone you are not 100% sure

 

[LisaJ1986]

My God! I am shocked! I would absolutely not let her look after a kid! How the hell did your OH survive?

I haven't let anyone have Angel yet, for the same reasons as Charlie, she won't take bottles. But my OH will have her for a few minutes but that is it. My Auntie keeps asking but i just don't respond. She will not be the first to look after her plus i know she tends to leave the babysitting with my 13year old cousin!!!

I would just tell her you are just not ready to let anyone look after her. She is still very, very young after all.

 

[Full of hope!]

First of all, Jess is YOUR daughter and you absolutely DO NOT have to let your MIL take her if you don't want her to. I feel sorry for you as it sounds like you and OH are under pressure from her!

In these situations I think it's best to be open and honest, could you and OH sit down with your MIL and talk about your concerns?

If I were in your situation I wouldn't want her to look after my child after what you have said, so no I don't think your over-reacting

 

[Charlie:-)]

Could you arrange to all go out but let MIL push Jess in the pram she has bought??

 

[mummykay]

u def dont have to leave LO with her, some of her demands are a tad strange?!

 

[helsekia]

sounds like my MIL to be honest.I didnt let her have kiara until kiara was 4years old and she could tell me what nanna got p to

with caden it was a bit easier cos kiara overheard a 'vocal conversation' between me n hubby.she then went to my MIL and said

''I dont know why youve bought a cot cos your never getting caden mum says you cant look after a tin of rice pud''

 

[Redshoes]

OMG joj I'm sorry but your MIL is sooooooooooooooooo never going to have your DD ANYTIME soon, she is mad!!! Please don't leave your DD with her, say whatever you like to avoid that happening, she's obviously mad anyway, sorry I don't mean to offend a woman I've never met but OMG, no way would you leave a baby with her, sorry

Have lots of these

 

[kalia]

I wouldn't leave her with a baby either!

So the question really is how to fend her off.

Could you go out for a walk with DD in the pram she bought, letting her push but with you there? You could suggest going to the park or something.

 

[debecca]

sounds like my MIL to be honest.I didnt let her have kiara until kiara was 4years old and she could tell me what nanna got p to

with caden it was a bit easier cos kiara overheard a 'vocal conversation' between me n hubby.she then went to my MIL and said

''I dont know why youve bought a cot cos your never getting caden mum says you cant look after a tin of rice pud''

 

[lfc_sarah]

sounds like my MIL to be honest.I didnt let her have kiara until kiara was 4years old and she could tell me what nanna got p to

with caden it was a bit easier cos kiara overheard a 'vocal conversation' between me n hubby.she then went to my MIL and said

''I dont know why youve bought a cot cos your never getting caden mum says you cant look after a tin of rice pud''

I wouldnt let MIL have my baby if she was like that

 

[Llys]

I'm just curious how she managed to bring your husband up!???


I think it's just an inbuilt thing. We trust our OWN mothers, but no other mother could ever possibly look after our babies (I mean, to be fair, the MIL IS a mother too!!)

 

[mamichuli]

I think an honest conversation with her about what is acceptable and also, you do not have to leave your child until you want to IF you want to! It is not her call, you need to tell her that it is not going to happen until you are ready and no amount of bugging is going to change that, also explain what your concerns are, see how she reacts. You need to be tactful, but let her know that your baby is YOUR baby, it is your decision, not hers. I would have FIL present too, he will know his wife better than anyone, he might help to get her to back off a bit!



Lisa

 

[Sylvie]

I wouldn't let her have my baby either!
I'm probably a bit but so far I haven't let anyone look after Louis anyways (apart from OH).

 

[joj]

Thanks for all your replies, it helped to know I wasn't being totally unreasonable! Jess had her first lot of jabs today and MIL turned up to take her (I wasn't expecting her) I explained that I wanted to be there when Jess had her jabs and she got in a strop and said 'don't you trust me then!' I resisted the urge to say no! I pointed out that Jess was my daughter and I wanted to do these things with her, and asked her to look at it from my perspective, how would she have felt if her MIL had been doing things like that. She got in a huge temper and said she wasn't being pushy but eventually calmed down and walked with us to the doctors but thankfully didn't come in with us! She won't admit that she did anything wrong but hopefully she'll calm down a bit now!
I think she's trying to make up for some things that happened when my OH was little, he didn't have the best childhood, but I'm hoping that she'll realise that she can't do that with Jess now.

 

[charlie84]

My nan was like that, my mum was endlessly getting pestered by her to take us kids of her hands. My mum told her no as we were her babies and she wanted to take care of them and that she didnt have us kids so other people could look after us.
I am glad you stood up to her hun, i couldnt have let anyone else take my baby for her first jabs. My mum came with me for support. I still find it really strange how your MIL seems to think its ok for her to try and come and take over everything. You are one patient women because if my MIL was like that i am sure we would have had a huge bust up

 

[LisaJ1986]

I didn't want to take Angel for her jabs, but only because i didn't want her to have them, iykwim? I went to console her afterwards coz she's my baby. OH had to hold her. I'd never let even my mum take her for the jabs, especially her first.
It's like my auntie though wanting Angel all the time. I didn't have her just so i could bugger off out. I stay in and be her mum.

She shouldn't just turn up like that and expect to take her! What would she be like if you left a little earlier coz you were popping to the shop first or something. I do this sometimes.

 

[kalia]

She'd need mummy cuddles after her jabs, not stranger cuddles! I know she's not a stranger from our point of view but it has taken my DD 4 months to get the idea that my mum, who she sees every week, is not a stranger and therefore not cry when she holds her

Good for you standing up to her. I can't believe she doesn't think she's being pushy!