feeling lousy

[charli_]

i lost my baby girl at 14 weeks and 5 days, last august. my moods have been up and down but the last few days i made the mistake of wondering how old she should have been right now and i really wish i hadn't.

also everywhere i look i'm seeing my friends family and neighbours giving birth or announcing their pregnancies. i feel bitter and resentful and then i feel ashamed of myself for those feelings. i cant stop crying.

i have been told by my diabetes team that i cant try again until after february, they want my blood sugars to be excellent but the waiting is killing me! it took us nearly 4 years to conceive my baby girl and i want to be a mummy so bad.

my family were really supportive of me when i told them, my mum and older sister had both been through it. my mum went on to have 3 children and my sister has 2 beautiful children. this was my first pregnancy and i thought because i was into my second trimester it was going to be ok and that i wouldn't loose her like my mom and sister did with their first.

i don't know what i would have done without my partner, he's been rock. even he was weepy eyed when i mentioned how old she should have been, and that just made me feel worse because he never has a cry where i can see him. i feel like such a failure. everyone tells me it wasn't my fault but i feel so guilty. i've been diabetic 6 years now and blood sugars spiralled out of control, all i can think is that if i had kept my blood sugars under control she would be here right now and i wouldn't be writing this.

thanks for listening.

 

[babyem]

Oh hun i have a longer reply I want to post, but in a big rush! Bug hugs, didnt want to read and run so will reply again later x

 

[laurat]

Im sorry for your loss! Dont blame yourself, these things are just heartbreaking and make you doubt the ifs and buts. You are not to blame!! Xxx

 

[nicejuicypear]

You can't be blaming yourself for the loss. It must be hard to keep blood sugars right while pregnant. Even if it was blood sugar that caused your miscarriage, it's not your fault, it's the diabetes and you can't help having that! It might have been something totally different that lead to your loss. It's difficult not to dwell on it though, because we do look for reasons and want to find things we can change next time to make it all work perfectly but sometimes things are out of our control.

It's good that you have your partner for support, and it sounds like you've got a good family behind you too. It takes time to get over these things, unfortunately. I don't think you ever get over it properly, it just gets a bit less painful over time. I hope February arrives quickly for you and you can change your focus to trying again and looking ahead.

 

[millielaura]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Don't blame yourself, even if it was your blood sugars which it may not of been, like nicejuicypear says its the diabeties not your fault at all so don't beat yourself up about it. Must be really hard with diabeties.

I also lost my baby at 14 weeks in july 2011 so I sort of know what your going through, was very hard at first as I just kept thinking of how old she would of been etc. Time really does help though and now I'm still upset around what would of been the due date and the loss date but I dont torture myself every month thinking how old shed of been.

I'm now actively ttc for the first time and I know im going to be worried the whole pregnancy when it happens!

its good you have a nice supportive family and partner good luck with getting your baby in the futurte fingers crossed for you xx

 

[charli_]

thank you laurat, nicejuicypear and millielaura for you kind words. my hospital were great but they blamed every problem i have ever had and also the miscarriage on my blood sugars, so its hard not to blame myself when my hospital kind of is! im on top of blood sugar control and ill never let it get out of control again so I'm desperately hoping it was a one off. i know a few ladies on this forum are having one after the other and im terrified this will happen to me. but im a pessimist by nature. thank you for your support it helps

 

[Eryinera]

Oh hun I'm sorry for your loss it must be really hard. As the others said it wasn't your fault these things just happen we have no control over them. It sounds like in your family your bodies need to go through this sort of thing before being able to carry to term. I'm just sorry it happened so late.
Multiple miscarriage are very rare. I know it's all we read about on the internet but as I have said many times. The internet attracts those in the rare positions especially using search engines to find answers. Those who follow the normal curve tend to not come onto sites like this. Things like this are hard and I wish I had a magic wand to make things all ok for you. Cry when you need to, Smile when you can and i hope in time a little bundle of joy will fill your life with happiness x x x