Feeling Lonely...

[CharlieOne]

I know i havent posted on here much, however i am really starting to feel very lonely nowadays and beginning to panic i will not cope when i do give birth, the hold idea of giving birth scares me and then afterwards im totally freaking out ive never held anyone baby before as always refused as so shy- my OH is excellant with children and babies and i just feel this huge amount of pressure to be good otherwise it will reflex badly on him????
I am due to finish work soon - where i have been for god knows how many years and im going to miss all who i work with and my clients - and that is making me feel even more alone as that is where people are who i call my friends - i work roughly 40 minutes away from home so dont expect anyone i work with to be just "popping" round as im so far out of the way - i just feel im going to be stuck at home alone - then what is even more scarey is i'll soon be home alone with a child who i dont know i can cope with....
I am going thro alot right now also which isnt reflexing well on my mood or mind, my grandad passed away on the 30th and its his funeral on the 12th - then on the 14th its my birthday which im sure (and i can understand) people will forget about due to grandad so ive decied to work my birthday (just a few hours) but thats making me feel sad....
I just feel so sad and lonely atm, my OH is ingoring me atm - well thats what it feels like, we dont cuddle, kiss or anything anymore - tonight he held my hand when the Vicar visted about my grandad funeral but thats it, im beginning to wonder weather he wants to be around, he knows alot of beautiful girls and theres nothing stopping him leaving me for someone else has well i dont even know how ive held on to him this long......

 

[Rosebay]

Aw dear, have a hug .

I can hear a lot of pregnancy hormones in that post honey, it makes us feel all over the place. I think partly we feel insecure because our bodies are doing new weird things and also because it's a big life event. Your OH sounds great, how nice to have someone who is good with kids! Have you initiated hugs or affection with your OH? He might just be feeling that you need your space or perhaps he's scared too- my OH was in total denial before Elliott turned up. As for the baby thing I can totally understand as that's exactly what I felt. I'd never held a baby and frankly didn't like them much either! I do a lot of youth work with 10-15 year old girls who I have years of experience of and think are great fun but as for babies and toddlers I was not looking forward to that bit at all! It did all change once he arrived though. I mean whatever your baby looks like and mostly does you still love them more than anything and think they're the most fabulous, beautiful beings ever to be born- partly that's hormones too!! I sent all these photos of Elliott looking like Friar Tuck with half a bald head round to my friends when he was 3 months saying how gorgeous he looked and I look at them now and think.. what must they have thought?! Crazy mum! That's just how it is.

I was very scared that I'd kill him by mistake too and spent a lot of the first week awake watching him in case he stopped breathing when I wasn't looking but it really didn't do either of us any good. I also read so many books but in the end they all disagreed with each other and once he arrived we realised that most of the advice was rubbish anyway and you really just have to do what is right for you. My mum kept saying that you mustn't forget that a baby isn't an alien, they're a small human who can't speak so just try to imagine what they might be crying about or whatever and you'll work it out- with newborns and small babies it's usually only ever a few main things anyway- hunger, stinky nappy, tiredness, overstimulation and later on boredom so if you work through each reason we found we could usually solve it once we stopped looking stuff up in books and worrying. One of our funniest memories from the day we came back from the hospital came from one of the books we'd read- The Baby Whisperer one by Tracey Hogg. Some useful stuff there but not the bit my OH read when Elliott just would not stop crying and crying and crying. It suggested taking the baby round the house and giving it a tour. My OH bless him thought this might be the miracle cure to the upset and took him round each room telling him all about it- the sweet thing is that we were so far gone at that point that we thought it might really work . Obviously it didn't! What worked was feeding the poor hungry baby properly as I had breastfeeding problems and he was very very hungry but it took a midwife call out at 4 in the morning and the 5oz of formula she gave him to make us see that! I'd been saying this to people for days but no one had listened and I doubted that I really knew but I watched his little body just totally relax as he got some food and then drift into a very long needed sleep and thought- aha! I did know and I should have trusted that even at that early point I knew my baby better than anyone.

Anyway what I'm saying is that you'll get there, you'll be so much better than you think once you stop worrying so much and just trust that deep down you do know what to do and how to care for a baby you just have to ignore annoying advice from other people and calm down and listen to yourselves.

I remember crying on my last day of work- it's only natural to be scared of that change too and of the feeling of being trapped. The trick with this problem is to get out and about as soon as you can after the baby arrives and meet other mums, go to anything you can find and just shamelessly go up to people and start talking. I'm shy and found it hard but it really helps and everyone is feeling the same- a bit like the first day of big school or uni or something so it's made easier by that. I've got a really nice set of friends with kids the same age now, we'd be lost without each other as we basically spent most days together in the park or at groups or at each other's houses endlessly talking shop about babies and toddlers of course! You'll be ok.

So sorry to hear about your Grandad, that must be very sad for you too, the time between death and the funeral is always the hardest I think.

Be nice to yourself my love- it'll be ok, we all feel like this to one extent or another, especially the first time

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[lillyblue]

Awh darling Firstly have lots of hugs!!!!

I have read this post and I think like Roseby said your hormones are all over and your OH might think you need time, I have replied because I am going through a similar thing my grandad is having a bypass tomorrow and has been poorly all over xmas and I wanted to let you know my OH hasnt initiated any conversation regarding him I confronted this and he said he doesnt know what to say as I am so down lately so I think this may be a similar scenario .

Working that distance away from work I know what you mean here aswell but try to be positive and invite your friends round maybe at a weekend, do your upmost to keep in touch with them.

As for the birth OMG!!! I know what you mean, I think you just need some TLC and a nice relaxing weekend maybe hun to make you feel a little better. I am in the same boat as you first time mum and havent a clue what to do with a newborn but we can all help each other and when your baby is here I think no matter what you will love him/her and cherish every moment

I hope you start to feel a little better hun I know you probably cant see light at the end of the tunnel but keep your head up and keep smiling!!!!!!

x

 

[lisaspoon]

Awww hun, firstly, I'm really sorry to hear about your grandad

Secondly, I'm the same as you, a first time mum, and I am totally sh***ing myself! I too have never held or done anything with a newborn....sure I've "looked" at them when we've been to visit, but thats it!!!! I'm petrified I wont keep LO warm enough, know what to dress them in, how to feed properly, how to hold them etc etc the list goes on! People say that it comes naturally... I really hope so!

As for being lonely,.... I'm there too. I'm the first of my friends to have a baby and now I'm on mat leave the days are going in so slowly. I'm trying to give myself little things to do each day like today I'm going through ALL my clothes and having a bit of a clearout and getting my haircut later too. The afternoon for me is "me" time where I'll just relax and either do some of the knitting/crossstitch I've started until OH gets home from work.
I think this "waiting" time is the part I've been dreading most, but also when OH goes back to work after paternity leave..then it will just be me and the baby....eeeek!

As the others have said its a lot to do with hormones being all over the place, especially in this trimester.... I'm crying at the most stupid things on the TV!!! I even cried when there was a clip (just a clip) of the film Dumbo on the telly (the part when he goes to visit his mum in the "looney bin")......that is how sad I am!!

I hope you're ok,.... as for you're OH not giving you much attention, maybe he doesn't know how to handle the recent death of your grandad?? Its not that he doesn't care, he prob doesn't know what to do. Try initiating some cuddles, or just say to him " I need a hug"....

 

[CharlieOne]

Thank you all for your replies, means alot youve took the time to read my post then offer the replies so Thank You, Today ive been so unwell with sickness and i saw another side of my OH ive never seen him so worried over me, today he has held me alot (for the first time in ages) and i guess we just need to take each day has it comes, still feel extermly lonely and so scared of everything....i feel like such a freak....

 

[Rosebay]

Thank you all for your replies, means alot youve took the time to read my post then offer the replies so Thank You, Today ive been so unwell with sickness and i saw another side of my OH ive never seen him so worried over me, today he has held me alot (for the first time in ages) and i guess we just need to take each day has it comes, still feel extermly lonely and so scared of everything....i feel like such a freak....

Aw, sorry to hear that you're feeling poorly. Hope you feel better soon. Don't feel like a freak, we've all been there

Have you told your OH about how anxious you feel about things? It might help him open up too.


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