Feeling guilty for struggling

[firstfreakout]

I'm looking for some advice, reassurance or just some plain old sympathy to be honest!

I'm currently just over 24 weeks with my first kiddo; also first ever pregnancy.
I've always been an incredibly maternal person and always wanted to have children, so I figured I'd be so comfortable being pregnant...

Through the pregnancy so far I'm struggling with back pain (pretty much sciatic pain which is pretty badly impacting on day to day life), ligament pain that feels like my stomach is going to rip open when I walk for too long, headaches and dehydration, getting woozy from standing still for more than a few minutes and my stress levels.

These are ongoing niggles that are getting worse as the pregnancy progresses.

Although I've been moved to a desk job at work (due to not being able to be operational with the public), I can't handle the level of stress it requires, the hour long journey in to work and sitting in a chair that is of ridiculous quality.
Because I'm in a lot of pain and paracetamol isn't touching it most of the time, I can't handle any stress that I could before and find myself getting upset and wound up by things I know I should let go. I've spoken to work about this yet they don't get that I really should be given different type of work to do... I just get told to "not stress".

Not only do I feel guilty for not being able to perform as I used to at work, but I feel guilty for not coping with the pregnancy and always moaning. I feel guilty that my OH has to listen to me moan all the time, as it means he can't enjoy this experience either.

I'm considering asking my doctor at my 25 week appointment to sign me off from work, due to the above. I can't enjoy my pregnancy while I'm working because it's contributing to the pain and sickness I'm feeling, as well as stress levels and blood pressure. It's also impacting on my mental health. I don't know how easy this would be though...

My mum keeps telling me that everything I feel the baby feels, and people keep telling me to "not stress" and enjoy being pregnant, which cues massive amounts of guilty and embarrassment that I'm not breezing through this. My OH is incredible and says that I'm doing perfect and he listens to me moan and tries everything to make me feel more comfortable, but I don't think he truly understands the daily struggle I'm having - both with the pain and with my emotions.


Has anybody else felt like this, that can offer some advice on how to get through it and try to enjoy the pregnancy a little more?

 

[JulyBug]

Trust me you are not alone.. I could have wrote the above myself.. this is also my first pregnancy and first baby and NOTHING like I expected.. I certainly haven't 'enjoyed' being pregnant at all.. I never thought I'd feel as depressed as I have at times or as stressed as I do.. I've always known I wanted to have a baby but I've never been overly maternal.. I'm not someone who gushes over every baby I see or rushes to want to hold them.. so although I've always wanted children I struggle to imagine myself actually having one which makes me feel abit sad.. I've been so paranoid over losing him purely because I just can't picture myself with a baby!?.. and It's only now that I'm in the later stages and I feel him all the time that I'm starting to feel that connection with him..

I'm still at work and although like you I work in an office, my daily workload hasn't changed, don't get me wrong my job isn't hard physically at all but mentally I feel like I'm struggling to cope... even small things can make me feel really stressed and irritable.. I currently have my 'replacement' working alongside me for when I leave in a few weeks and it's really stressing me out.. I'm dreading returning to work already and I've not even left yet!!

My OH really tries his best too and although his comforting he doesn't understand my emotions and how up and down I am, I will cry at the drop of a hat over something so trivial and he doesn't understand why.. then I get frustrated that he doesn't understand!

I also feel I will start to relax and enjoy what's left of my pregnancy once I leave work which is why i decided to finish a month before my due date so I can have some time to myself to relax and prepare.. definitly speak to your doctor if you are feeling so low all the time, don't suffer in silence. xx

 

[tashap]

I too could have written the above. I've set myself a date for signing myself off and seeing the doctor. This is so I can quietly tidy everything up and not leave it in a mess and then I'll go off without feeling guilty. I'm 26 weeks and I'll be going off from 28/29. I know the GP will happily sign me off for the rest of my pregnancy and then I can focus on enjoying it x

 

[kumber]

Pregnancy is vile. No other word for it. You're growing an entire new living being out of nothing, it's only natural for it to absolutely exhaust you and make you feel like poop. You do end up questioning your sanity as to why you do it again

FFO, you should be provided with a suitable chair chick. Can you take it up with HR? If you feel you need to get signed off then do it, being happy and comfortable in pregnancy is the main thing

 

[firstfreakout]

Thanks for the replies, ladies!
I'm so relieved to know I'm not the only one and that this is fairly normal.

Kumber, I could moan to HR about a chair, but by the time I get one I'll be off on maternity ha.

With all of the pain and uncomfortableness comes stress, and I can feel that when I'm home not only am I able to move easier and feel more comfortable with my back, but the baby is happier too. When I'm home/not at work, he is wriggling and kicking pretty much whenever I'm sitting or lying down, however when I'm at work I can go 2-3 days without feeling much even while sitting at my desk, which I think is because I'm so tense and in so much pain.

Not to mention now my heart rate is constantly racing, I'm getting hot flashes and the stress levels causing me to get angry, so I'm worried about my blood pressure.

My job role, although I've been moved to a desk role, I'm still expected to work one in 5 weekends, however this means that I end up doing 7 days in a row before having 2 days off and back in again. I have 2 of these shifts coming up in June. Each time I've done a weekend on I've either ended up in hospital with dehydration and stomach pains or have had to call in sick. I've raised the point of me doing the weekend shifts before, but it's never been changed.

My 25 week appointment is on Monday. The earliest I can go off work with annual/maternity isn't for another 6 weeks.. Do you think the doctor would sign me off until my annual leave kicks in on June 30th?

I'd rather not do reduced hours as it means a big pay cut and potential issues on returning to work.

 

[kumber]

Usually if you get signed off for pregnancy related problems 4 weeks before your planned maternity leave date, they'll start your maternity from the date you go off but you should still have holiday owing so shouldn't affect your overall length. Again, check that with HR and also with ACAS so you know your rights and you're covered.

 

[firstfreakout]

I know with our job it's 4 weeks before your maternity starts automatically, as you said. I was planning on starting mine about then anyway, because I have over an hour commute each way through London during rush hour during summer!

My annual leave I have saved I can take for the 3 or whatever weeks it is before that date, which my boss has already verbally agreed is fine by him, so I really just need the doctor to sign me off up until that point - which is a period of 6 weeks.
I also know that our job has 6 months full pay sick leave, so it shouldn't affect my pay at all, and it's also past the 25 week mark which is when stat pay is determined? (We get 18 weeks full pay maternity, then it's stat from there until nothing)

 

[kumber]

Sounds like you've got it all in hand lovely which is great. It really sounds like you need to get yourself signed off, it sounds like so much stress that you don't need

 

[firstfreakout]

I'll chat to my GP. I changed surgeries last year so they don't know me very well, but we'll see I guess.

 

[kumber]

Stick to your guns whichever way you decide, this is your pregnancy so it's ultimately your decision.

I'm just rereading your original post and am getting my thinking cap on as to how to help reduce your stress a little in the meantime.

I think hobbies might be worth looking into if you haven't any already. I would say something relaxing but my hobby is far from that as it's showing cats so I'm not one to talk but it's something that helps me unwind as I spend the day with good friends and get the day away from my little ones.

What sort of things do you like to do, or what interests you?

 

[firstfreakout]

Honestly I don't have many hobbies right now as since starting a new career and a new relationship two years ago they took up a lot of my free time!

Reading and art are two big ones I've found I no longer make the time for. I was hoping to spend the weeks before the baby is here that I'm off work not only preparing for baby, but also spending some time relaxing with a good book! I used to read about 25 books a year, and now I maybe read 2?! Terrible!

Thank you for the advice though.
I'm definitely going to chat with the GP on Monday, explaining what physical issues I'm currently having and how they're also impacting on my stress/mental health and see what he suggests. Hopefully given that I have already been through seeing the muscular-skeletal team for my back before I got pregnant and during the first tri, and that I have anxiety on my record already, they'll see it really is better for baby for me to put work on hold until after maternity leave.

Stick to your guns whichever way you decide, this is your pregnancy so it's ultimately your decision.

I'm just rereading your original post and am getting my thinking cap on as to how to help reduce your stress a little in the meantime.

I think hobbies might be worth looking into if you haven't any already. I would say something relaxing but my hobby is far from that as it's showing cats so I'm not one to talk but it's something that helps me unwind as I spend the day with good friends and get the day away from my little ones.

What sort of things do you like to do, or what interests you?

 

[kumber]

What about adapting the Summer Reading Challenge or The Sketchbook Project for the weeks that you're off?

 

[firstfreakout]

Good ideas. I have a couple of books piled up that I've been meaning to read for a while now, but life has gotten in the way. And I'm currently working on some art work for a personal spiritual journal too. It's just about finding the time when I'm either not at work or the OH isn't around to get stuck in!

 

[kumber]

Maybe arrange a set time once a week or fortnight and stick to it?

 

[firstfreakout]

I'll give it a go!