feeling down

[madsticks]

After finding out I was (unexpectedly) pregnant, and then losing the pregnancy at around 5 /6 weeks, I've been trying to stay positive and look forward to the future when it will hopefully happen "properly" and in better circumstances. But I've been so sad about it all, even having awful dreams (well, nightmares) About it and really worrying and over thinking everything.

My OH has been either really amazing, or truly awful about it. Not in an intentionally horrible way mind you, he'd never do anything to purposefully make me upset. Just that sometimes he has no tact, and no filter between his brain and his mouth, or just doesn't see that right now I'm still feeling sensitive and some things are just inappropriate.

So many other people are announcing births and pregnancies right now, and this used to upset me anyway (as I believed I would never have the chance because OH already has two children from his previous marriage and I thought he wouldn't want another one with me), but now it's even harder to deal with and I feel awful for feeling bitter about other peoples happiness.

I'm conflicted with wanting to start ttc officially right away, and being terrified that that's a big mistake and I will be an awful mother and not able to cope with having a child. But I want one, and long to carry a child and be a mum, but then am so scared I'll be no good at it.

I'm worried that this will happen again, and again, and I might never get my chance, which makes me incredibly resentful towards my OH, his ex and my step children. Not that it's the childrens fault, I love and care for them dearly, but why did it happen for OH and his ex so easily, when they weren't in the best of relationships and by their own admission 'it was never going to last', and here I am with the man of my dreams with a great relationship and a lifetime to look forward to together, and it all goes wrong!?!

I wish it either hadn't happened at all, or I was still pregnant. The short amount of time I had was the most amazing, I was scared, and unwell, and couldn't wear a bra for the pain, but I was so overwhelmingly happy and proud of my little 'poppyseed baby' growing inside me. And now it's all gone and everything seems wrong.

I never knew I could miss something that wasn't 'really there' so much.

Sorry, I know a lot of you have and are experiencing a lot worse, I just needed to let it out. X x x

 

[megsmeadow]

Never say sorry for expressing how you are feeling. We all need to tell our stories, and a loss is a loss at whatever stage. I think going through pregnancy and loss does make your put things into a different perspective. And your OH will be grieving too. Give yourself time to grieve too. xx

 

[meandmyfamily]

i av pm'd u madsticks x

 

[yummymummy80]

madsticks your not alone, I keep tinking aswell what if it happens again? will I ever be a mummy? seems to be natural to be thinking these things . Like you I keep seeing pregnancies getting announced on facebook and it makes me so jealous but I try not to be because I don't know that persons history they could of gone through a rough time to get where they are now too.

Unfortunetly though there are people out there who get preg at the drop of a hat and don't give a hoot for example hubbys cousin got his gf preg and hes not really the settling down type and neither is she so when the baby arrived they split up and im like how is that fair? me and hubby love each other so much and want a family and then u get people like his cousin drives me mad!

Basically in all of that ramble im just trying to say your not alone and to feel like that is completely natural pm me if you want hun x