Feeling alone after chemical pregnancy...

[sksk11]

I found out yesterday that I'm having a chemical pregnancy. It's been a total whirlwind of emotions over the past 5 days, after starting to bleed a week ago, getting a BFP 5 days ago, having an early inconclusive scan, to finally finding out my blood levels indicate a failing pregnancy

Hubby and I agreed that we wouldn't tell people we were trying for a family. Somehow I managed to hide how upset I was from my Mum yesterday (God knows how). All I needed last night was a hug from hubby and a shoulder to cry on. However he felt totally different about the BFP, and failed to acknowledge it could be real until there was evidence on a scan and we were much further along. But I'm sure as fellow ladies, you know what it's like when there's a chance it could finally be your time, but something just doesn't feel right about it. I wasn't happy to just sit it out and bleed for x number of days until I either continued to get BFPs or finally got a BFN.

When he got home last night, he wasn't exactly forthcoming with the sympathy. More of an "I told you so" attitude, expecting me to pull myself together. This morning topped off with a "chin up, or your mother will know instantly that something is wrong". I finally broke down, and finally got my hug. I tried to explain that I feel dirty, that the bleeding whenever I go to the toilet is like a constant reminder of what's going on, and the worse is I don't know how much longer it's got to go. I told him I feel alone, as I only really have him to talk to about it, so I just needed him to be there and not to tell me that he was right from the start.

What I really need is a hug from my Mum, but maybe a virtual hug from the ladies on here would help xxx

 

[jodie34]

Oh hun im so sorry to be reading this ... sending you lots of virtual hugs xxx

 

[holly750]

Really sorry to read this too. Would telling your mum be such a bad thing? She may be of a little more comfort than the fella. Only say that cos I had a mmc a couple of weeks ago, was a bit upset last night and the hubby asked me whats the matter?! What do you think! Men! Bloody useless sometimes. Sending you a big hug xx

 

[megsmeadow]

Loads of virtual hugs! We didn't share when we were ttc either times but you need support when things go wrong. Xxx

 

[ChrissieCool]

sending u lots of hugzzzzz as u know I lost mine too, my hubby just thinks shoving beer down his neck is the answer, really fed up with him

 

[candymycandy]

Sending lots of hugs too! Men just don't seem to get it. I think my DH never quite believed the pregnancy in the first place and then it was so early on when I had a mc. I think perhaps as they can't see/feel anything like we can they struggle to empathise. But to us it doesn't matter how early it is, it's a big loss for us. I would also say would you consider telling your mum or someone else close? It's a massive thing to have to go through without sharing it with someone other than your hubby. Take care of yourself xx

 

[sksk11]

Thanks so much everyone. Hubby has been great since I told him exactly how I feel, he bought me some flowers, and has given me lots of cuddles. He continues to encourage me to look forward rather than back, but I have explained that this will be easier once the bleeding actually stops. I had a lot more cramping yesterday, so I think my body is getting closer to letting go of whatever was hiding in there.

I have come so close to telling my mum, but there's always that little niggle of doubt. I think it's because I really want to save the surprise element for when we do eventually have a successful pregnancy. I have actually confided in my best friend, as I just needed to tell somebody. I am seeing her today for her little girl's first birthday, I'm Godmother to both of her children. It took her a year to conceive her first, so I know she understands the heartache of trying and failing. I don't want to bring down her day today, but know that she will give me a big 'knowing' cuddle that I so badly need.

I read something on the miscarriage association website about people who do something to honour/remember their little one that never was. Yesterday I bought a candle to light, it seems such a silly thing for something that was barely inside me for 2 minutes, but I'm hoping it will be a bit therapeutic for me. I also plan to buy a bead for my Pandora bracelet - only I will understand the significance behind it, and I don't plan to do the same thing every time if I am unluckily enough to go through this again. I still have the pregnancy tests I took in my drawer, and the photos on my phone. Can't bring myself to delete them as it's like saying goodbye, so I feel like if I have something to replace them, I will always have a memory of what would have been our first baby.

 

[candymycandy]

That sounds like a lovely thing to do. And don't think the candle or anything else you do right now is silly, only you know how this feels for you and how you want to grieve. I'm glad your husband gets it better now and also that you're seeing your friend, you deffo need a hug from her!

Do whatever you need to do to look after yourself at the moment xx

 

[sksk11]

Thanks for your support ladies. Thankfully things are starting to feel more positive. The bleeding seems to be subsiding (though I fail to believe it's over, just waiting for the surprise spotting to commence). I went to work today, and although I was a bit miserable, I have managed to keep the tears at bay today. I also got that much needed hug from my bestie yesterday, and hubby has been much more supportive. I also messaged a girl I used to work with who told me a couple of years ago that she had a miscarriage and now has a beautiful 18 month old girl. Her response really helped, she talked about being relieved it happened earlier rather than later when there was less time to form a 'bond' with the little one, and that she felt surprised and relieved that she could actually get pregnant at all. She was very philosophical about it, and said she felt it just hadn't been the right time.

I hope this helps some of you as it has me. Especially you ChrissieCool, how are you doing? Xxxxx

 

[ChrissieCool]

awe that's lovely, I'm starting to feel more myself now and to be honest I'm glad it happened early rather than later too, still upsetting of course but at least the pain seems to have gone and I think the bleeding is stopping now, I'm gonna wait for my next period and then try again, how about you sksk11?

 

[sksk11]

Hi ChrissieCool, definitely feeling much better every day. My bleeding is almost gone, mostly just a bit of brown spotting now.

The EPAU told me it's recommended to wait until you have your next period before trying again. From what I can read, though, this is mainly for dating purposes rather than there being any greater risk if you fall straight away. I think I will wait to have another period before seriously trying again, when I will try the SMEP as originally planned. However, I'm tempted to suggest to hubby that we shouldn't take any extra precautions in the meantime, and just enjoy some 'special time' whenever the fancy takes us, and what will be will be. I have learnt my lesson of getting over-excited at the mere sight of that second line on a HPT, so if I did get a positive result in the future, I would make myself sit back and relax about it for a few days / weeks before testing again, can't face the same emotional roller coaster again.

Have you done another HPT to see if you're negative yet? I took a CB digital, which was "not pregnant", will think about checking with a FRER in about a week as that's what I had my positive lines on so I know what I'm looking (or not looking) for. Xxxx

 

[ChrissieCool]

Hiya.

Didn't think there was any point in testing again? I lost loads of blood and clots (sorry tmi) and had terrible pain so that has to be baby gone right? just gonna wait for next period and then try again xxx

 

[sksk11]

I agree that you kind of know the miscarriage has 'completed', but they recommend checking that you have a negative so that there's no confusion if you happen to get a positive next cycle. Xxxx