Dreading telling people..

[TheHump]

My 12 week scan is coming up next week. Very few people know I'm pregnant, and I am stressing out about the thought of telling other people, especially my parents. I have to ask myself why? What am I worried about?
Well. So far, I've had mixed wierd reactions. One friend's very first reaction was to repeatedly ask when and how my other friend found out before her. Another friend got the hint that I might be pregnant and explicitly told me not to tell her via txt, saying "at least give me a call".
So, I don't want to deal with any more 'wierd reactions' from people.
I don't want a load of fuss.
I don't want to be asked a string of questions.
I don't want other people's concern to heighten my pregnancy anxieties and fears.
I don't want unsolicited advice.
I don't want our news to be shared by anybody else until we choose to share it ourselves.
I don't want people to start making plans on behalf of me, my partner or my future child.
I don't want people to push their own selfish ideas and expectations onto me.
I don't want anybody to make it 'all about them'.
I also know for a fact that my dad will be guilty on all counts. Because that's just what he's like.
All I want is for our close friends and family to share our happiness, congratulate us, and respect our wishes. Is that too much to ask?
I'm thinking of not telling my parents until 20 weeks (or whenever I see them face to face after lockdown). But they will have to find out at some point, so maybe putting it off that long will just prolong my anxiety!

Has anybody else been this worried about telling people? If so, how did you handle it?

 

[EmilyMaria]

People can be awfully funny can't they. For the most part everyone I told were excited for me and it was fun to share the news. But not everything has gone to plan.

- My mum was very pushy about telling some people sooner than I wanted which was very annoying. I stood my ground and told when I felt I was ready.
- Some friends have been over the top with unwelcome advice and have been a little bit ... bossy.

At the end of the day you can not control other people's reactions and it is better to learn how to not allow someone else to have an impact on how you feel about your pregnancy if they are being negative. When you step back you realise that an odd reaction is a reflection on them and a problem that they own that they are projecting onto you.

Maybe a nuetral person involved (partner, sister or friend) when you tell people you think will make things difficult so you have someone to deflect any negative reactions if needed.

 

[chattychar1990]

Sorry if I come across rude but just because your friend reacted the way she did it doesn’t mean your close family and parents will react the same.
Is there a reason why you think your parents and family will react in a strange way? And how would your amazing news end up being about them?
I think the only way it could be is how excited they will be that they are going to be grandparents and that’s nothing to be upset about.
Sorry I’m just not really understanding your thoughts on this.

 

[CrazyChic]

I understand 100% where you are coming from they only person I ever worry about telling is my mum. I love her to bits and she is amazing but she is so judgemental and I feel that I'm also compared to my sister alot. Even when I was pregnant with my 1st I felt like 14 year old telling my mum I was pregnant. I was 24, was in a long term relationship and had moved out. She was happy in the end but that initial telling her was awful.

This time round wasn't as bad but still wasn't ideal as we are in lockdown and told her and my sister over the phone. So I don't know weather it's because of the situation with lockdown etc she has been funny but I just get a sense she isn't happy. I have PCOS so there was a chance I couldn't have children and when she found this out she couldn't stop crying so I thought she would be over the moon I was pregnant but I was wrong.

You just need to bite the bullet and just come out with it. You can't hide it forever. They may surprise you and not react the way you thing. Good luck and try not to stress about it too much xx

 

[MandiF]

My 12 week scan is coming up next week. Very few people know I'm pregnant, and I am stressing out about the thought of telling other people, especially my parents. I have to ask myself why? What am I worried about?
Well. So far, I've had mixed wierd reactions. One friend's very first reaction was to repeatedly ask when and how my other friend found out before her. Another friend got the hint that I might be pregnant and explicitly told me not to tell her via txt, saying "at least give me a call".
So, I don't want to deal with any more 'wierd reactions' from people.
I don't want a load of fuss.
I don't want to be asked a string of questions.
I don't want other people's concern to heighten my pregnancy anxieties and fears.
I don't want unsolicited advice.
I don't want our news to be shared by anybody else until we choose to share it ourselves.
I don't want people to start making plans on behalf of me, my partner or my future child.
I don't want people to push their own selfish ideas and expectations onto me.
I don't want anybody to make it 'all about them'.
I also know for a fact that my dad will be guilty on all counts. Because that's just what he's like.
All I want is for our close friends and family to share our happiness, congratulate us, and respect our wishes. Is that too much to ask?
I'm thinking of not telling my parents until 20 weeks (or whenever I see them face to face after lockdown). But they will have to find out at some point, so maybe putting it off that long will just prolong my anxiety!

Has anybody else been this worried about telling people? If so, how did you handle it?

 

[MandiF]

I totally understand and I felt exactly the same way! I am an older mum and I think everyone thought me and my husband had completely given up so I knew it was going to be a complete shock. I was so freaked out by telling anybody I actually got myself worked up into a bit of a state anxiety and was consistently telling my husband I just don’t want to tell anyone, but he was so excited he just wanted to tell his parents immediately.
Eventually, lockdown worked in my favour 100%. I was able to send a group WhatsApp message to my entire family that started “so I know the world is a little bit crazy these days and I just wanted to add something to make it even crazier....... obviously I would’ve liked to have told you in person but that’s not possible.......”
Doing it this way meant I did not have to see the initial shock on people’s faces and have that sinking feeling because they weren’t immediately happy for me - it gave them time to compose their responses.... And I didn’t have to stand there face-to-face feeling all awkward!
Wow.... let me tell you, within two minutes of sending a message all of my anxiety had disappeared! The excitement, joy, love that I received back immediately in messages was unbelievable, like, I sat bawling my eyes out!!
With my close friends I had had long video conversations with them then afterwards (like when I was just about to go to bed so I didn’t have to get into a conversation immediately) I sent them a message saying “oh by the way, I forgot to mention, I’m pregnant”! (Most of my friends are diehard non-maternal un-baby people)! They were absolutely overjoyed for me!
I have only told one friend face-to-face and I don’t think I’ll do that again - The initial shock and disbelief was kind of an anti-climax, but with the support and happiness of everybody so far I definitely feel more confident about just going out and shouting to the world “I’m pregnant”
Good luck, let us know

 

[TheHump]

Sorry if I come across rude but just because your friend reacted the way she did it doesn’t mean your close family and parents will react the same.
Is there a reason why you think your parents and family will react in a strange way? And how would your amazing news end up being about them?
I think the only way it could be is how excited they will be that they are going to be grandparents and that’s nothing to be upset about.
Sorry I’m just not really understanding your thoughts on this.

Hey chattychar1990. Yes, you do come across rude. I can only assume that you must have the perfect family and therefore cannot understand how anybody's relationship with their parents could be anything less than that. I think if you genuinely had nothing kind or supportive to say here, it would have been better not to comment on this post at all.

 

[TheHump]

Very true, people's reactions are always a reflection of their own situation. Like my friend's strange reaction - I think she felt like an idiot / felt bad for not figuring it out sooner (hence going on about when my other friend found out), but once she got over that initial shock reaction, she was really happy for me. I don't know yet whether I'll tell family via msg, or wait god knows how long until I see them face to face, but I will have my partner with me. Thank you x

People can be awfully funny can't they. For the most part everyone I told were excited for me and it was fun to share the news. But not everything has gone to plan.

- My mum was very pushy about telling some people sooner than I wanted which was very annoying. I stood my ground and told when I felt I was ready.
- Some friends have been over the top with unwelcome advice and have been a little bit ... bossy.

At the end of the day you can not control other people's reactions and it is better to learn how to not allow someone else to have an impact on how you feel about your pregnancy if they are being negative. When you step back you realise that an odd reaction is a reflection on them and a problem that they own that they are projecting onto you.

Maybe a nuetral person involved (partner, sister or friend) when you tell people you think will make things difficult so you have someone to deflect any negative reactions if needed.

 

[TheHump]

Oh I'm so sorry. Perhaps your mum (a bit like my parents, I think..) was happy for you but just had a really, really wierd way of showing it! Or is just not that good at expressing emotion?

I totally get you. I'm compared to my twin sister a lot too, which sucks cos we are so so different! She is married and already has two kids, this is my first pregnancy. I think seeing how my dad acted when my sis was pregnant (like trying to tell her not to reveal the gender because HE wanted iy to be a surprise!) has given me a preview of the kind of crap I can expect. But I won't take to it as kindly as her!

You may be right about biting the bullet, it might be easier than prolonging the suspense. I'll see how I feel once I have the scan. Thank you x

I understand 100% where you are coming from they only person I ever worry about telling is my mum. I love her to bits and she is amazing but she is so judgemental and I feel that I'm also compared to my sister alot. Even when I was pregnant with my 1st I felt like 14 year old telling my mum I was pregnant. I was 24, was in a long term relationship and had moved out. She was happy in the end but that initial telling her was awful.

This time round wasn't as bad but still wasn't ideal as we are in lockdown and told her and my sister over the phone. So I don't know weather it's because of the situation with lockdown etc she has been funny but I just get a sense she isn't happy. I have PCOS so there was a chance I couldn't have children and when she found this out she couldn't stop crying so I thought she would be over the moon I was pregnant but I was wrong.

You just need to bite the bullet and just come out with it. You can't hide it forever. They may surprise you and not react the way you thing. Good luck and try not to stress about it too much xx

 

[TheHump]

Oh I'm so glad I'm not the only one to feel this way!! That's really interesting to hear you say you wouldn't tell people face to face again.. on the one hand, I kind of want to see how they react in person, but on the other hand yes I would totally be disappointed if I didn't see that immediate happy reaction! Lockdown is a really convenient excuse to either avoid telling people at all, or tell them in a msg like you did.. I'm so glad that worked for you and the anxiety lifted away as soon as your news was "out there!" It gives me hope that I will feel the same way Thank you, I will keep you posted x

I totally understand and I felt exactly the same way! I am an older mum and I think everyone thought me and my husband had completely given up so I knew it was going to be a complete shock. I was so freaked out by telling anybody I actually got myself worked up into a bit of a state anxiety and was consistently telling my husband I just don’t want to tell anyone, but he was so excited he just wanted to tell his parents immediately.
Eventually, lockdown worked in my favour 100%. I was able to send a group WhatsApp message to my entire family that started “so I know the world is a little bit crazy these days and I just wanted to add something to make it even crazier....... obviously I would’ve liked to have told you in person but that’s not possible.......”
Doing it this way meant I did not have to see the initial shock on people’s faces and have that sinking feeling because they weren’t immediately happy for me - it gave them time to compose their responses.... And I didn’t have to stand there face-to-face feeling all awkward!
Wow.... let me tell you, within two minutes of sending a message all of my anxiety had disappeared! The excitement, joy, love that I received back immediately in messages was unbelievable, like, I sat bawling my eyes out!!
With my close friends I had had long video conversations with them then afterwards (like when I was just about to go to bed so I didn’t have to get into a conversation immediately) I sent them a message saying “oh by the way, I forgot to mention, I’m pregnant”! (Most of my friends are diehard non-maternal un-baby people)! They were absolutely overjoyed for me!
I have only told one friend face-to-face and I don’t think I’ll do that again - The initial shock and disbelief was kind of an anti-climax, but with the support and happiness of everybody so far I definitely feel more confident about just going out and shouting to the world “I’m pregnant”
Good luck, let us know

 

[TheHump]

Update: After sleeping on it, I've decided to create an e-card with the scan photo, due date and personalised msg which says "we will share our news far and wide when we feel ready.. but for now we wanted to tell you!" My partner and I have made a list of close family and friends, who we'll send it to individually via FB msg. I'm happy with this as it's quite a nice way to share the news, everyone will receive the same msg at the same time, and it will avoid any potential face to face awkwardness or disappointment! I've also made it clear that we don't want people to share our news before we're ready.. but we've talked about it and actually come to terms with the fact that once we tell a few people, we have to be prepared for the news to get out.. which is OK as we'll have already told the most important people ourselves. I already feel so much better after making this decision. I'm quite excited now.. 3 days until the scan!!

 

[TheHump]

Update: Just had my scan, all looks fine. We have prepared the e-cards ready to send out to close friends and family. Just moments before I was about to press "send" to my mum, she msgd to let me know her mother-in-law just died. So now it just doesn't feel like the right time to tell her. This "good news" won't outweigh the feeling of grief and sadness. And it doesn't seem fair to tell other people without telling her either. So we will wait maybe another couple of weeks, at least until the funeral is over, before spreading the news..