Don't think I can cope...

[hayley_17]

Well this is sort of hard for me to explain and i'm not sure where to start. For a while now ive felt totally crappy, but its just got so much worse in the last few weeks. I can't stop crying and always feel like im putting on being happy when im really not.

I feel so selfish because my mum & dad have been great and really supportive and i feel like im throwing it back in their faces. Somedays i just dont think i can cope. I feel like i have everything going for me, i have a great family, great friends and i have Owen who i love so much. I feel like i should be happy because i have so much but im not. I feel like i have so much anger and stress inside of me and i dont no how to get rid of it. It's so unlike me cuz im usually such a calm, happy person.

I don't feel like i can tell anyone face to face, im the type of person who bottles everything up. I feel like people will think i can't cope with Owen and im not fit to take care of him. I always think people are judging me and think, because im young, im a bad mum. I just cry all the time, but only when im on my own. There's been so many times when ive thought, yeh i will tell someone today but when it comes to it im too ashamed to tell how i really feel. I saw the hv a few days ago and she gave me a questionaire to fill in about how i was feeling. I knew what answers i should put but i put completley different ones, that made out i was happy and coping.

Owen hasnt been too good since he came out of hospital nearly 2 weeks ago. He isnt sleeping very well and constantly wants to be held. I feel like im not a person anymore, i'm just a mum. Don't get me wrong, i love being a mum but i want to have some kind of social life too. I think that makes me a selfish person.

Yesterday i just felt so angry and Owen wouldn't stop crying no matter what i did. I just put him down in the middle of my bed and sat in the corner crying my eyes out. I've never been like that before. I feel so ashamed because i couldn't even comfort Owen i felt so bad. I didn't know what to do. Then i realised he was more important than how i felt so i just cuddled him until he calmed down. I felt awful and still do.

I know that me being like this cant help him but i dont no what to do. I havent told anyone about htis. I feel so ashamed of myself. i jsut dont no what to do anymore. I find it hard to smile and mean it. I feel fat and ugly, hate looking at myself in the mirror. I dont want to eat anymore, im finding it hard to sleep. I'm just snapping at everyone for stupid things and i take everything that people say to heart and think they are putting me down. I'm just a mess, im putting up a barrier in front of myself pretending to be happy and coping well but really inside im screaming out 4 someone to help me.

I'm so ashamed of myself and am not sure whether i should be posting this. I just dont no how to cope anymore.

hayley xx

 

[nicki]

Oh hunny. All that sounds so familiar. I feel like that most days too so can sympathise with how you feel.

I think having a baby is a traumatic experience. As much as we love our babies & wouldn't want it any other way our lives change so much & I think it just take time to adjust to everything.

Talk to your h/v or your doctor about how you are feeling. Its possible you have pnd & they can help you & have seen it many many times before & will not judge you at all. You have so many hormones still floating around your body, it will take time to get back to normal.

You are not a bad Mum and being young has got nothing to do with anything. You seem very mature, more so than when I was your age (many moons ago!) Its also been tough & will take its toll with Owen not being too well. Don't be too hard on yourself.

If you need to talk, you are more than welcome to PM me.

Sending you

 

[mary70]

i was just like u until i went on anti depressants and now i feel great please go and talk to your doctor hun i'm sure they can help and it takes time even with the medication

 

[Yvonne]

Aw hun

It sounds like a bit of post natal depression. You need to speak to a doctor hun, you might feel so much better.

I have had it and never told anyone but believe me i felt so much better once i had someone to share it to and talk to.

Its hard hun especially when you have no reason to be down but thats hormones for you



Hope you sort it out hun

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

oh hunni why didnt you tell me hun!

im so sorry theres me been moaning about my problems and u have been feeling like this
have u thought about writing ur mum a letter to tell her how ur feeling im the same cant tell people how im feeling face to face but i think writing th em a letter is easier i write it to my mum and put it under her pillow then we have a massive chat

hunni if u ever ever ever need to tlk hun just email PM msn or text me ne time

 

[lauramumof2]

That sounds so like depression, all the things were there like not sleeping even though you are tired, not eating, feeling upset when there is no reason.

I felt like that first time round, not so bad this time.

Go to your doctor, what you are feeling is perfectly normal and they will understand. I bet if you tell your parents they will understand.

Wether you are 17 or 37 its still the same and the lackof sleep is torture along with the crying.

Hope you feel better and please, please talk to someone.

 

[hels]

Ahhh Hun, All i can say is what the others have said. I just wanted to give you hugs
Please dont doubt yourself as a parent, its bloody hard work.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Keely]

oh babe! how can you say you are a bad mum, owen is beautiful and soooo clever. he is so advanced for an 11 week old and that all through you teaching him thinks.

I think you are doing amazing and I hope you realise soon. Being a mum can be overwelming sometimes... baby is crying for next feed and you still having had bath or breakfast but they always come first and it can be scary. They are so little and you have to do everything for them.

You have been through a very scary few weeks with owen too, what with hospital and his first jabs and they way they react after.

Def told to your HV as she will help, its not your fault you feel like this, its them damn hormones!!

love ya and hope you feel better soon. give that beautiful boy a kiss from me.

xxxxx

 

[Urchin]

Everyone else has said it really....

Well done for speaking out, PLEASE talk to your HV, you sound like a great mom, feeling down doesn't affect how you are as a mother, and HV's know this so don't worry.

We are all here for you Hun


xxxxxx

 

[*saulino*]

Hi

Hun i felt very similar to you in the first few months of having Kiara i cried lots ide put her down somewhere and walk away taking a breather and felt horrible that i left her crying but couldnt cope holding her cuz i felt too angry.
I still cry every now and again when we have our not so good days but then you look at your baby and hug him/her and know everything will be okay.
If you ever ever need to chat im always here hun
Katrina

 

[Keely]

how you feeling now hayley, hope you are still not so down have you spoke to HV.

xxx

 

[*saulino*]

Hi

I was wondering the same thing havent seen you online to talk to you hope your okay
Katrina

 

[hayley_17]

thanks everyone for ur lovely replies.

i'm not really feeling much better but im going to go to the hv 2moz and talk 2 her. well i hopefully will, im so scared of being out on my own. i feel so vulnerable its horrible. ill have to go on my own because my mum is at work.

i no i need 2 go, i cant carry on like this. i cant see it ever getting better, just feels like its going to get worse

tonight he had belly ache and was really screaming like he was in so much pain. i didnt no what to do so i just held him and we were both crying. my mum came and said she would try holding him and eventually he did two big burps and is now asleep. she came to me and asked me why i was so upset but i couldnt tell her the truth, just said i didnt like listening to him be so upset.

i feel so useless that i couldnt even comfort my own baby. i didnt no what to do with him and i feel like i should have.

thanks again for ur replies. xxx

 

[hayley]

hayley no-one knows what to do at first. I'm learning every day. No amount of reading prepares you for the real thing. Traped wind isn't always the easiest thing to get up. I can spend 20 mins burping jacob then my mum comes along and gets his wind up in seconds. It doesn't mean i was doing it wrong. So don't put too much pressure on yourself. The fact you care means your a great mum. Your little boy doesn't care about how good you are at nursing him... he loves you unconditionally. Your his world.... there is no-one like mummy..

As all the others have said. Please try speaking to someone.. a friend, a relative, a doctor... you've done the hardest part! telling us lot your deepest feelings and knowing that you need help to make yourself feel better. Well done speaking up!

xx

 

[*saulino*]

Hi

Hun im glad i finally got to speak to you on msn.
Your not alone and im here if you need me, your a great mom and everything ill turn out okay
Katrina

 

[Urchin]

I'm so glad you are going to talk to your HV about this hun, good luck, let us know how you get on.