Dont know how to feel.

[x_PlaceboDanii]

Ive had a complex 9 months, and its about to get even complexer (if theres such a word).

For those of you who didn't already know, my fiance was a sperm donor to his lesbian friends that wanted a baby. They did talk the issue over with me to be fair but it wasn't the best time as id had a few drinks and i get very lenient when i have a few, so me being a daft twat gave it my thumbs up and go ahead, i was still on birth control at the time so i guessed i would put his babies to better use since we weren't trying at the time.

I suppose its my own fault really i suppose, i wasn't really expecting it to happen for them straight away as nasty as that sounds!, but the next morning after the drinks we found out that the lesbian we gave the sperm to was pregnant, my hangover got worse.

Also forgot to mention im 8 weeks pregnant tomorrow and ive tried to convince myself my hormones are going mad and im really quite happy for them but it doesn't seem to be working

She had the baby this morning at 1.26, i just cant help but feel so disappointed in myself, i know whats done cant be undone now, but i just get this horrible sinking feeling when i look at the baby, i guess i am thankful it doesn't look anything like fiance, apart from its hair colour and thats about it. I just cant pretend im happy when im not that bothered, I cant get my feelings out without sounding like a bitch in anyway, ive bottled them up for the last 9 months, i haven't told anyone how im feeling!.

No one has to comment on this if they dont want to, i just feel that little bit better for getting it out

 

[Geminiblue]

oh pants I just typed a post to you and it didnt post oh poo.

Ok in brief....I was saying ... Sometimes we feel things and dont know why we are feeling things, so if you know why you are feeling this way then it may be easier to explain to your OH. Have you spoken about it to him? Could it be resentment that your child isnt his first now? Could it be that you feel threatened by the child..does he have feelings towards this child etc etc. Its worth exploring as all of these things are just pure human emotion and not being a bitch. Does that make sense?
xxx

 

[Kayelle]

I would feel the same way! I also agree with gemini , don't feel bad its not bitchy!

 

[meggymum]

you need to talk to you oh and tell him how you feel. otherwise it will be hanging over your relationship until you do.

just remember the child didnt ask to be born so try not to resent it.

 

[kirstymichelle]

what a complictaed situation, When you agreed did OH stay annonomous so baby will never be told and did you sing any contract stating that? you know like a writted acknoweledgement or is OH playing a part in LO's life??

it's hard because you know thats his child and you know your LO will be brother or sister. Do you tell them or do you hide it and hope no one finds out in future?? that is so hard to be honest and seems like a right mess, I mean if you dont tell your children you deny them of a relationship etc x x x

 

[Geminiblue]

blimey Kirsty I hadnt even thought of that angle...wow...yeah... youre right

 

[x_PlaceboDanii]

what a complictaed situation, When you agreed did OH stay annonomous so baby will never be told and did you sing any contract stating that? you know like a writted acknoweledgement or is OH playing a part in LO's life??

it's hard because you know thats his child and you know your LO will be brother or sister. Do you tell them or do you hide it and hope no one finds out in future?? that is so hard to be honest and seems like a right mess, I mean if you dont tell your children you deny them of a relationship etc x x x

Very complicated. We did agree to be godparents, well i say we i actually mean OH agreed and i just went along to just keep everything sweet. It upsets me so much to think that our baby isn't going to be his first, its ripping my to bits!, there was no contract or anything like that. It was a rather informal approach, just give em the sperm and get the hell out of there.

OH has said we will see the baby, but his obsession lately has been getting on my tits (excuse the french), its like the baby is already his son and ours will probably be second best. Thats what im scared of , but i dont know what OH intends to do about the whole 'yes my OH is your father' thing when baby gets older.

 

[Geminiblue]

talk to him darlin tell him how youre feeling xxx

 

[BevG]

im sure your baby will be special to him as he wanted to have one with you, its nice that he wanted to help out those girls too but your baby will belong to you and him, their baby will be theirs and he will see its totally different to have his baby there in front of him day in day out than to be uncle to another baby. your parents are the ppl that raise you, not the biological materials from which you were created as it takes so much more love and effort to parent a child than to make one. maybe he is getting excited cos he can imagine what it will be like when your child is born so want to get some practise in?
either way id talk to him calmly and try to get him to sort out a formal contract or arrangement, does he realise he could be liable for child support and have no argument about it should they decide to apply for it if there was ever a falling out or they needed money., do they realise he could sue for custody if he ever thought they were doing a bad job. both sides need an agreement to keep them safe in situations like this.

 

[Daisy2011]

Oh babe its a hard emotional path to walk. It does sound like he is veering towards being more than uncle/godparent and that doesnt sound like what you agreed to. I would approach the conversation like that - ia agreed to this and the situation is turning into this. It must be so hard to be feeling that your baby is somehow lesser than his first child.
Im sure that this will all completely pass when your lovely one is born and it will always be your special child no matter what. Its fair and right that he takes your feelings into acount and you must tell him how you are feeling.
I am a recipient and the thing is that it is very difficult to make a clear boundary to the donor becuse you feel that they have done you a massive favor and they have feelings to so it might be that the ladies involved dont nec want him to have a larger role than was agreed but feel that they cant tell him.
Do you know them at all, i think what i would do is go and talk to them about how i was feeling becuase it might help put your mind at rest or at least gain you two allies.
I feel for you and all the insecurities you are feeling, tell him about them if you can becuase its wrong to be making you feel so bad.
X Daisy