Don't know how I feel!

[Chazabell]

As the title says....I have no idea how I feel.

I've always said that if it ever had to go to IVF I would be a mess. I've been a mess after the 1st two rounds of iui and all 8 cycles of Clomid.

I haven't even cried. It feels like I've just accepted it. I was so positive. My attitude at the min also....just "meh"

I want to turn my music up loud and get lost in it. Music that reminds me of the early days with my OH. I want to go on a walk and get lost somewhere. Ignore the world.

It's not fair that my bunny, my baby girl died 5 days before our cycle failed. What kind of naff arsed double blow is that?

People have said "it will happen" and "you will make an amazing Mummy" I hope it does happen and I know I'll make an awesome Mummy, I know I will!!!!!!

People haves said "I feel so sorry for you guys, no one deserves it more than you guys" "ladies like you are n inspiration" that makes me feel great, it honestly does. I know that they see me as a good person, a good person who deserves to have good in her life.

One of my friends at work has been researching IVF for me and how I can prepare. I haven't even looked into it. I had all my money on iui working for us.

I hate feeling so screwed up that I need drugs just to grow eggs that jobless chavs on processed foods, alcohol, caffeine, drugs, & nicotine just produce on a whim and make babies on a whim and bring up in broken homes ending up on Jeremy Kyle. What's more annoying is that we have to sign all sorts of paperwork just so we can even try for our baby.

I'm not excited for IVF, I'm petrified. What if it doesn't work? What if my eggs are so shit it will never happen for us?

Now I've written it all down, I know how I feel. Shit. That's how I feel. Like shit.

I've also been back in work 1 morning and have an impetigo break out along with no sleep last night. It just all sucks xxxx

 

[laurat]

It is shit!!! Im giving you no lines or fluff! Just a big hug!! Xxxx

 

[Moley]

It is shit. Sending you lots of love and massive hugs. We know how you feel x x

 

[mishi]

I know it's shit babes, bug hugs
(ps ivf isn't as scary as you think it's going to be - Still shit having to have it, but don't be afraid of it)
xxxx

 

[Clairabella]

Yeah it is shit! But you do get through it with the hope that it could happen and deliver your dream of a baby.
Sending big hugs xx

 

[Vickyxx]

Its a big giant steaming pile of shit. When I was told we needed ivf my emotions were the same as yours I think after a while you just learn to shut your emotions off, maybe it's a coping mechanism who knows!!

I can also remember wanting to punch everyone who said "it will happen" " you just need to relax" arghhhh that made me so angry.

You WILL be a good mum, you ARE an inspiration and you are a hell of a lot stronger then you think you are.

 

[Dee28]

Big hugs lovely. Shit just about sums it all up. Currently in an IVF denial myself, terrified it won't work too so stalling. Will you get three nhs tries? xx

 

[Chazabell]

Thank you girls xx

It's nice to know I'm not alone in this odd feeling. My area manager asked me before how I felt and I just said I wanted to get lost somewhere. Run away. Just be on our own with our own thoughts. That's the first time I've talked to her about any of my treatment. She must think I'm mad and have a back up plan for staff if I vanish ha ha!!

It's nice that you ladies call me an inspiration when I haven't even done anything....feel like a fraud lol.

I'm guessing the compulsory counselling before IVF is to overcome and discuss the "IVF denial"

My OH seems ok but he had hot melt down last week with the bunny. He's told me to stop thinking about things I have no control over....and that's the problem. I want to have 'some' control over stuff xxx

 

[Dee28]

The lack of control is the worse thing. I hate it not being able to sort this myself. I have booked a nurse consultation to go through our tests to date, little steps heh xxx

 

[blondy13]

Chaz the lack of control is awful. We control most other things but having a baby is the one thing that is out of our hands. I think the counselling will do you good, get some of those feelings out there. It really is shit to have fertility problems...there's not much worse. Just focus on the IVF next cycle. Keep going, that's all you can do. I remember when I was really down, hubby said to me, right we can either give up and accept no children of our own, or keep fighting. They are the only 2 options. So keep at it sweetie xxx

 

[Blueflower]

You poor thing. So sad that your rabbit died as well, how unfair is that?

I was in IVF denial too, I never dreamed I'd have to have IVF in order to have a baby. I imagined I'd have a large family before I was 30 years old! I can't get my head round the fact that we need IVF when there's nothing wrong with either of us.

I've just got a BFN after our 2nd and last go of IUI and the only positive thing I can think of is that at least taking clomid got me used to taking hormones, the trigger shot got me ready for injections and the IUI procedure has given me some idea of what egg collection and transfer might be like. I've over simplified it in my mind but its the only way I can get my head round it.

My friend had IVF and she said to me "at least if you have IVF they can take your eggs out and see why they're not getting fertilised and do it for you" which made sense and made me feel a bit better.

I know where you're coming from about just escaping from the world, sometimes I just want to lie at the bottom of the garden or get lost in the woods and hide. Do something crazy, whatever you feel like.

 

[Chazabell]

So.....I've had my breakdown!!

I picked my bunnies ashes up from the vets, got into the car and sobbed. I was sat stroking the box too and it hit me....she's in this box

It opened the flood gates. I got back home and OH was talking about his Dad and his Brother and I just started speaking how I feel. His Mum hasn't spoken to me since Christmas Day over a frigging Christmas card that wasn't up to scratch, because her proper christmas card had her save the date in so we were waiting till we were both together to give it to her. She has then slated her christmas present which I sat for hours and painted and out together, moaned about us then come crawling back to OH without an apology and carried on as normal waiting for her save the date (which I still have...I'm stubborn)

Am I wrong to be annoyed and feel hurt by the following....she didn't say thank you for her christmas gift, she didn't acknowledge my message to say thank you for mine, she didn't say happy new year, she didn't call or text to wish me luck for iui like she has in the last, she hasn't called or text to see if I'm ok after our bunny died and she hasn't called or text to see if I'm ok since the cycle failed. She usually texts or I feel I can pop round.

And his sister....I have said I'll make all my nieces and nephews birthday cakes so they have something special each year. She's ordered a birthday cake off a cake maker without even saying, or asking if I can replicate it or anything. This might seem petty but I'm hormonal.....!! Lol.

I've told OH I'm done with trying, I've done nothing wrong and no one listens to me, I get everything thrown back in my face or we get walked over. His family live just around the corner....yet I feel so alone.

After this I broke down, OH removed my coffee from my hands and just hugged me then I told him about my fears for IVF and how everything just feels shit at the min and how I feel like I've done something wrong because his Mum is behaving like a child!!

I think it's what I needed. And ranting on here has helped so thank you all for reading. I have taken comfort that with IVF they will see the quality of my eggs and we can be more proactive from there.

I don't remember this from previous cycles but I think the drop in progesterone has made me so hormonal it's unreal.

And it doesn't help that AF is killing, and I'm coming down with a cold and have impetigo on my face so I'm feeling rundown and ready for a week off work and I've only done 2 mornings back after 18 days off

xxxxx

 

[Esperanza84]

So.....I've had my breakdown!!

I picked my bunnies ashes up from the vets, got into the car and sobbed. I was sat stroking the box too and it hit me....she's in this box

It opened the flood gates. I got back home and OH was talking about his Dad and his Brother and I just started speaking how I feel. His Mum hasn't spoken to me since Christmas Day over a frigging Christmas card that wasn't up to scratch, because her proper christmas card had her save the date in so we were waiting till we were both together to give it to her. She has then slated her christmas present which I sat for hours and painted and out together, moaned about us then come crawling back to OH without an apology and carried on as normal waiting for her save the date (which I still have...I'm stubborn)

Am I wrong to be annoyed and feel hurt by the following....she didn't say thank you for her christmas gift, she didn't acknowledge my message to say thank you for mine, she didn't say happy new year, she didn't call or text to wish me luck for iui like she has in the last, she hasn't called or text to see if I'm ok after our bunny died and she hasn't called or text to see if I'm ok since the cycle failed. She usually texts or I feel I can pop round.

And his sister....I have said I'll make all my nieces and nephews birthday cakes so they have something special each year. She's ordered a birthday cake off a cake maker without even saying, or asking if I can replicate it or anything. This might seem petty but I'm hormonal.....!! Lol.

I've told OH I'm done with trying, I've done nothing wrong and no one listens to me, I get everything thrown back in my face or we get walked over. His family live just around the corner....yet I feel so alone.

After this I broke down, OH removed my coffee from my hands and just hugged me then I told him about my fears for IVF and how everything just feels shit at the min and how I feel like I've done something wrong because his Mum is behaving like a child!!

I think it's what I needed. And ranting on here has helped so thank you all for reading. I have taken comfort that with IVF they will see the quality of my eggs and we can be more proactive from there.

I don't remember this from previous cycles but I think the drop in progesterone has made me so hormonal it's unreal.

And it doesn't help that AF is killing, and I'm coming down with a cold and have impetigo on my face so I'm feeling rundown and ready for a week off work and I've only done 2 mornings back after 18 days off

xxxxx

I would feel annoyed and hurt if I were in your situation. It is kind of strange that she hasn't been in touch with you since!! Maybe your oh could talk to her?

I really hope you get your sticky bfp soon hun!!!

SUPER big CYBER hugs!!

 

[gemmainthesun]

Id say the ivf procedure itself really is nothing to be scared of its just the emotional side but not really any different to the iui so dont worry u have to try as its your best chance and we r all behind you x

 

[Blueflower]

Id say the ivf procedure itself really is nothing to be scared of its just the emotional side but not really any different to the iui so dont worry u have to try as its your best chance and we r all behind you x

That's made me feel better too, thanks Gemma! One of the reasons I opted for IUI first was to get used to some of the drugs and similar procedures so its good to hear that its not too much worse!

 

[Kay Kay]

Chaz I just wanted to send my support, you've been through far too much shit for one person! What you need is family supporting you at a time like this so it's just so sad that your mil is being this way. I understand what you mean about wanting control. I was the same. But at some point in my journey I saw looking ahead to iui and ivf as my way of taking control of things. I looked into it, spoke to friends about it, and the girls on here. It made it less scary. I was ona long waiting list (2 years) and the waiting nearly killed me. You probably remember some of my posts! Like blondy says you need to fight for that bean and keep your eye on the prize. I hope you're feeling better and have had a chance to rest huni. Massive hugs x

 

[gemmainthesun]

I never did iui but from what ive heard of u ladies I cant imagine its worse I think its prob physically easier as they put u under for er in uk. The emotional side is hell but u have all had practise with that too. You will be fine. X

 

[Blueflower]

We haven't been offered counselling for IVF! We had a consultation and he said when we're ready to go ahead, to just phone the nurse on Day 1 to organise getting all the drugs etc!

 

[Chazabell]

Thank you girls.

I've managed to ignore all the family shit and think about us and the wedding. Haven't thought about IVF yet, or looked into it. When normally I'm straight in to google stuff and read up.

I have 2 new additions to my life. Jesse & Heisenberg, 11 week old bunnies. I get lots of snuggles and I've just taught them to take food from my mouth

Xxxx

 

[Blueflower]

Oh how sweet! I really want a pet!