SparkleBug
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My baby son, George was born one month early on the 19th November via forceps delivery. My whole labour experience was pretty awful apart from theatre and I'm still getting over the emotional trauma of my pain and back labour not being recognised and the physical effects of an episiotomy with third degree tearing. The baby blues have been terrible, I'm having anxiety attacks in my sleep where I wake up unable to breathe and I constantly worry I'm going to lose my George. I feel so sick, my stomach is upset from the constant anxiety and I can barely keep up with feeding, expressing, feeding myself, washing and going to the loo. I'm failing him.
I love him so much, I just want to take him home but he won't eat enough. We're trying so hard, I'm expressing breast milk and we're giving it to him via bottle but a difficult start with tongue tie (now cut), jaundice that continues to linger and tube feeding while trying to breast feed has led to a situation where he's lazy to eat, will fall asleep and generally be quite stubborn. He's had a better time than most really but feeding is a big problem to overcome. Most of the transitional care staff have been awesome once they realise we're busting our asses trying to get food down him but I can't help but feel like they think we're not doing it right or we're being blaize. If he's lost weight tomorrow we're back to tubes and a new plan, certainly no home, and I don't know what happens then. He's well below his allotted millilitres for the day and... please, I'm just sobbing here.
I need to know that someone else has been here, that it takes time to get a premature baby to feed and we'll get back our cuddle time, skin-on-skin and play. I can't live in fear of every little squeak from him, knowing I have to spot his feeding cues and time everything perfectly so he can get a full feed in the time he needs to. Even if you haven't been here, I need to know I'm not being a bad mum sat here in the common room unable to feed her son enough to live. Dad is doing great, he got 65mls in him tonight and he's doing the 3am feed too. I should be sleeping now but I'll only wake up suffocating and feeling like I'm going to die or lying there on edge at every noise because I just don't trust myself to wake when he needs me. It was easier on the ward bar the fact that my husband couldn't stay, but I can't have a team of experts around me all the time, we have to do this ourselves.
How do people do it? I can hack the days mostly, I still cry because my hormones are haywire but the nights are horrendous. I'd sooner not sleep. I find it hard not to cry when I hold him because he's so precious and that's all I want to do. I just want to hold him and keep him safe. God, I'm crying again.
I'm allowed back onto my old ward to talk to someone if I want but I know what they'll say - that all this is normal and my hormones are crazy, I'm sleep deprived and still recovering from quite the ordeal - it all sounds so rational but all I want is to know what happens if he's back on a tube tomorrow, what's the answer to his feeding problem?
I want my boy to come home, I want to be able to feed him and enjoy him, to love him and take care of him. I want all the help he deserves to be strong and well, to be happy and content because right now I don't feel like we're achieving that.
If you read all this, thank you. I wish I could say I felt better for writing it out but I feel like throwing up. One hour and ten until his next feed, maybe we'll get the right amount in him and start this 24hr period right but weigh in is key.
tl;dr My son won't eat enough as a premie and I'm losing my battle with post-natal hormones.
I love him so much, I just want to take him home but he won't eat enough. We're trying so hard, I'm expressing breast milk and we're giving it to him via bottle but a difficult start with tongue tie (now cut), jaundice that continues to linger and tube feeding while trying to breast feed has led to a situation where he's lazy to eat, will fall asleep and generally be quite stubborn. He's had a better time than most really but feeding is a big problem to overcome. Most of the transitional care staff have been awesome once they realise we're busting our asses trying to get food down him but I can't help but feel like they think we're not doing it right or we're being blaize. If he's lost weight tomorrow we're back to tubes and a new plan, certainly no home, and I don't know what happens then. He's well below his allotted millilitres for the day and... please, I'm just sobbing here.
I need to know that someone else has been here, that it takes time to get a premature baby to feed and we'll get back our cuddle time, skin-on-skin and play. I can't live in fear of every little squeak from him, knowing I have to spot his feeding cues and time everything perfectly so he can get a full feed in the time he needs to. Even if you haven't been here, I need to know I'm not being a bad mum sat here in the common room unable to feed her son enough to live. Dad is doing great, he got 65mls in him tonight and he's doing the 3am feed too. I should be sleeping now but I'll only wake up suffocating and feeling like I'm going to die or lying there on edge at every noise because I just don't trust myself to wake when he needs me. It was easier on the ward bar the fact that my husband couldn't stay, but I can't have a team of experts around me all the time, we have to do this ourselves.
How do people do it? I can hack the days mostly, I still cry because my hormones are haywire but the nights are horrendous. I'd sooner not sleep. I find it hard not to cry when I hold him because he's so precious and that's all I want to do. I just want to hold him and keep him safe. God, I'm crying again.
I'm allowed back onto my old ward to talk to someone if I want but I know what they'll say - that all this is normal and my hormones are crazy, I'm sleep deprived and still recovering from quite the ordeal - it all sounds so rational but all I want is to know what happens if he's back on a tube tomorrow, what's the answer to his feeding problem?
I want my boy to come home, I want to be able to feed him and enjoy him, to love him and take care of him. I want all the help he deserves to be strong and well, to be happy and content because right now I don't feel like we're achieving that.
If you read all this, thank you. I wish I could say I felt better for writing it out but I feel like throwing up. One hour and ten until his next feed, maybe we'll get the right amount in him and start this 24hr period right but weigh in is key.
tl;dr My son won't eat enough as a premie and I'm losing my battle with post-natal hormones.