Baby or not to baby...

[meshe]

Am sorry if this offends anyone, I did try to look for another area, but failed.


Hi all,

First time on here, just looking for some advice really, found out last week that am pregnant, gestationally 8 weeks, always wanted a baby, broody from the year dot but now im pregnant im left wondering whether its something I should continue on with, probably doesnt help that I, like most other expecting women, am actually quite scared at the next few months, the baby, what will happen etc etc, feels like a very big deal to me.

Have been with my partner under a year, we dont live together, hes an amazing person so i've no concerns over him, other than quite a large age gap which leaves me scared that as much as we are happy now, will it work it the long run.

We would love to keep it in an ideal world, we do want children, but worried about money, the fact we arent living together and would need to move in (as in not by choice but necessity) and the toll that would take on our young relationship.

Have tests coming up due to genetic issues, we are hoping it may help us decide, but its just impossible, neither of us have a clue, no more yes than no, we know it would be a lot of hard work, we know the pro's and con's, we know we could cope with it, but would we be happy? No one can answer that, and I think thats the problem, a lot of what we are worried about comes down to the "unknowns".

Its weird to be writing this down, definately feels more real. At present im booked in for genetic testing to determine sex and for counselling in the event of abortion... It just feels crazy to be this 50/50 on it, with no option feeling like the better one.

It doesnt help that I am not fond of the thought of abortion, petrified it may cause complications for when we do decide to have children. Scared that emotionally i'll take it very hard, as I feel I will.

I dont know what responses im looking for, just to know that im not alone in feeling so lost in this decision making process.

Thankies x

 

[Mummy2Adam]

Wanted to start by giving you a big
Everyone is scared hun, we wouldnt be human if we werent.
As for the age gap, my OH is 12 years older than we and im not going to lie to you, early days in our relationship i thought it was a problem but over 4 years down the line i couldnt imagine being with anyone else.
As for the living with each other, have you not got a family member that would let you both move in and then start looking when u feel the time is right hun? x x

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[misscrazycooki]

Hey, I understand but whats your age and the gap between you too? If you don't mind me asking. Me and my partner have a 10 year gap between us. I'm 21 and he is 31.

As for living together and money you can work things out and get benefits if needed. You don't have to live together straight away that way you could get finances sorted, home etc.

Where abouts are you living now?

I didn't know you could get genetic sexing so early?

I hope you make the decision yourself and don't let other people sway you. You say you really want kids, I did and it took me over 2 years to finally get my wish. Once you see the little one on your first scan Your heart will melt and you will probably want to see it grow x I did x

 

[meshe]

We both live on our own so its not so much the "can we do it" as the "would it work, are we doing it because its the right time or because our unexpected little bump is here" he's 17 years older than me, altho you would never know and age really doesnt mean a lot to us at this point, its just that I worry when he's 60 and im 43 whether he'll be sat with a pipe and slippers and ill be wanting more life from him, he knows I worry about this, we talk all the time. Its one of those time will tell things, I guess im just scared if we do go ahead that one day I may find myself as a single mum due to it not having worked out and I would never knowingly choose to put myself in that situation.

Its not th biggest worry I have, I thinks its just that its so early on in the relationship and I worry how he's dealing with it as before we met he was adament he didnt want children, his opinion has changed but we never expected to be in this position, we thought we'd be married in our own house with all debt cleared and knowing where we were in life... if that makes sense.

I know we wont regret it if we do go ahead, its just such a huge change and we are worried we havent had enough time to enjoy just being us.

thank you for the hugs, much needed x

 

[meshe]

Testing can be done from 9 weeks, so not long to wait xx

 

[flexilexi394]

and
I have been with my partner 2 years tomorrow, and we dont live together (yet) and are doing it! wasnt a planned pregnancy, was a muddle of emotion when i found out, all the options cross your mind, but really you gotta decide yourself whether you can be a mum or not i guess! i went through lots of umming and arring but came to the conclusion of "why the hell not!?" so we are gonna do it! and here i am in the 26th week of my pregnancy.
you will make the right choice, whatever you decide.
Wishing you the best of luck, and lots of happiness! xx

 

[misscrazycooki]

Can I just say one thing hunny I've been with my partner since dec 19th 2009, I get pregnant in june 3rd I'm guessing from my dates. So I haven't been with my partner that long either but he was happy I got pregnant x

If your worrying about his age now then I doubt you two will stick together in the long run. It will just eat away at you until one walks away from the other. You need to decide what you want from him and where you want to be in the next year os so not 10 years plus that will just scare you too much x

 

[Rósa]

There is a similar age gap between me and my partner but the other way round, Im 40, he is 23, We didn't want kids, but i fell pregnant on the pill, we were both shocked, but got our heads round it and were happy, sadly I miscarried at 7 weeks, the MC made us both realise how much we did want a child, ( and though he has plenty of time, biologically my clock is running out) so we decided to let nature take its course, I had to have a EVAC because of the MC, 4 weeks later I fell pregnant we both worry about money, my partner is unemployed atm, as been unable to find a job since moving down here, but we will get by. Don't make a hasty desison you may regret, it may be your last chance of a child as you are 43.

 

[misscrazycooki]

shes 23 oops :S

 

[Mummy2Adam]

My OH never wanted children till he met me and we had been together just over a year when i fall pregnant with Adam. It was the best thing that we ever did and now we have number 2 on the way
I totally understand your worries about the age gap, i used to think that but now you would even think there was an age gap(well maybe if you look at his grey hairs lol) love has made me get over all of my worries and we are so happy.
I would definetly test run moving in with one and other, do it week by week x x


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[meshe]

I think im just worrying about everything in general, I dont think it means we are doomed, I think it just means im stressed and panicking more than anything, but I appreciate where you're coming from x (at misscrazicookie)

 

[Mummy2Adam]

Dont make any rash choices hun. Any worries or questions you have, we are all here to help x x


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[mumofmany]

I cant help with the age gap as my hubby is 4 years younger than me, but i can tell you there is no guarantees in this life with anything.
I met my hubby when i was 26 I already had 2 kids (split from the father a few years before he ended up a bad lad he has nothing to do with kids and hasn't now for nearly 11 years) he was only 22 and i got pregnant the 1st night I know how it sounds now but it just felt right at the time i had him 2 months prem aswell so basically we moved in together and had 3 kids in a matter of 6 months from getting together, then i got pregnant again when he was only 10 weeks old so we were together 18 months had 4 kids and were engaged, we got married just before we had been together 3 years and after 4 miscarraiges finally had our 5th, now he is 9 months old we are pregnant with our 6th, he has taken on the older 2 kids as when we met they were 4 and 6 and they call him dad and see him as their dad visa versa, you couldn't plan it, we have made it against the odds and are very happy. We had an abortion planned for this baby as we thought it would be too much strain on our marraige no space in our 3 bedroomed house, no more room in the 7 seater as we would now be family of 8,myhusband was not working at the time either he was a self employed plasterer and there was just no work around. at the scan i found out it was twins but one had stopped growing and it really made me think, why hadn't i miscarried again, this little one was fighting to be here and it had been a decision about having an abortion that was very hard i didn't stop crying all the way through the appointment just discussing and booking it, as you can see i never turned up for the abortion because i just couldn't go ahead with it i would have felt guilty for the rest of my life,now my hubby is working back as a chef not alot of money but a job and we get help from tax credits, we are very happy about having another one now and the other kids all know now and are over the moon.
So I do understand about not being together long and how hard a decision it is to look at aborton, but you have to do what is right by you, and whatever you decide you have to be happy with because tere is no going back. write a list of pros and cons thats what we did, and every con had an answer,we have 2 cars, we are going in dining room as bedroom and hubby has built a studded wall in the big bedroom to make it 4 bedroomed, mony tax credits, so you try and do the same it really helped us. I wish you the best in your decision.

 

[mumofmany]

sorry makes 5 bedrooms if we include dining room as our bedroom.

 

[lrb]

What ever decision you make, make it for you. Good luck with what ever you choose!x

 

[Rósa]

shes 23 oops :S

She says 43 in her post?

 

[misscrazycooki]

shes 23 oops :S

She says 43 in her post?

she did put when he is 60 she will be 43, I looked on her profile it 23 :S I doubt a 60 year old would want kids now would he?

 

[Rósa]

shes 23 oops :S

She says 43 in her post?

she did put when he is 60 she will be 43, I looked on her profile it 23 :S I doubt a 60 year old would want kids now would he?

My apologies then.. missread.. and you never know about 60yr olds wanting kids lol

 

[misscrazycooki]

I certainly wouldn't want a 60 year old to father any kids it would be horrible once they start school having other kids saying grandad and then it aint age would be like too much but thats my choice on the matter lol x

 

[FallingStar]

Hiya Just wanted to say that it's ALWAYS scary being preggers and wondring about the future!

If you look at it logically there's probably never a right time to have kids (work, money, a million other factors!) but it happens and we make it work. It's perfectly normal to have doubts, especially if it's your first, and uncertainty is pretty much part of the process!

Having said that, I think most people 'know' deep down, what they really want to do with regards to a pregnancy. It just depends on whether or not you let your feelings make your decision, or base it on the practical side of things. Can't say for sure which is the right way to do it!

I can't remember if you said how far along you might be (sorry) but assuming it's relatively early days, you still have a bit of thinking time. Don't make any quick decisions.. and once you've made up your mind, if it feels wrong then change it!

Will be thinking of you xxx