Asking Too Much?

[allycat]

I apologise in advance if this comes out as a rant, but I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

Me and the OH moved in to a TINY council flat last September. I didn't want to pay any more money on my flat I was renting through a friend so I told him I'd move out before the next payment was due, which only gave us 2 weeks to get our new flat decorated and ready to move into. This flat is half the size of the one I had to myself so it's been a bit of an adjustment with space and storage and it's all my fault (of course!) for having too much stuff. Have compromised and got storage boxes under the bed for a lot of it and left a majority of my furniture behind when I moved out of my friend's flat.

The kitchen here is getting beyond a joke. Everyone who has come round has commented on it. We don't have a washing machine so my OH's mum has to do all our washing, which drives me mad! The kitchen is next to a indoor coal bunker and we have had permission for a few months now to knock down the joining wall which will open the kitchen up and make it bigger, but it just never gets done! The fridge we have is also tiny and can barely store a week's worth of food shopping.

I know my OH works all week, but am I being unreasonable to expect him to give up a few weekends to make this flat more bearable for both of us? I've been really down for weeks and couldn't work out if it was just pregnancy hormones or something else and I now realise it's all to do with this flat being the way it is.

We bought an electric shower a few weeks ago and a shower rail, but both are still sitting in the hallwa waiting to be done. My OH's brother has already said he'll drill all the holes for it needed and run the pipig which will take him no more than 30 minutes.

I honestly don't know if I can live like this any longer. My mum rang me yesterday and we ended up talking about it and she was surprised nothing's been done on the flat yet. I want to be washing little one's clothes in our own home soon! I need a proper functioning kitchen and fridge in case I am bottle feeding! The shower we have in place now hardly works so that's why we got the electric one, but it's no good sat in the hallway.

There are walls that have needed painting for months and I'm not sure I want loads of noisy DIY being done when the baby's here. He told me it would all be done by now and it's FEBRUARY! Baby's due towards the end of May. I'm seriously thinking about leaving and making a go of it all on my own...

Am I being unreasonable? xxx

 

[Anna23]

no your not being unreasonable he is the MAN of the house and should be doing his bit!! give him a good kick up the bum to get it done either that or threten him either you'll do it or move out, i'd be inclined to get my family over to do it (pay them of course even tho my lot wouldn't accept money from me lol) and then say you did it to oh, i often have to do this with my hubby to get him to do things as he is very forgetfull
this is my advise oviously you don't have to take it, it's just what i'd do if i was you sending lots of

 

[allycat]

Thanks for the ...getting so fed up here and not eating much at the mo 'cause of the stress! Thing is I don't work and I'm here all week so he expects me to do all the housework and be motivated abut cleaning etc. but then he has made no progress on the DIY that needs doing in the kitchen/bathroom and has been needed since September when we moved in! I don't want walls being knocked down when little one's here 'cause of the dust and disruption, not to mention the loud noise it will make! No one in my family can do that kinda work so it's not like I can get it done when he's not around and then tell him it's his fault for being so slow doing it himself! Not being able to wash our own clothes is rediculous to me!

Glad I'm not being totally unreasonable! xxx

 

[tigger]

Hi thought I should tell you my experinces, and see if it helps...

When i was pregnant with my 1st, we were living in a house that we had only half decorated and it was a mess (well i thought so)... At 1 point in the PG i got to the stage you are at where it was really stressing me out and getting me down as i wanted to get the baby stuff out and get sorted. Well it got too much for me and i had a melt down got very upset and didnt stop crying for a whole day, at this point my OH reolised it had to be done and he spent 2 weekends doing it all and it was wonderful...

Well, you would think that would be the end of the story but NO...now we are expecting our 2nd baby and a couple of weeks ago i started saying we have alot to do before june, we have to move my son into the bigger room so he gets used to it before baby comes, which means we can put most of his toys up there from the living room...also then we need to decorate babys room, (we are in a new house and the walls are bright orange lol).
Then and only then can i send OH into loft to get all baby stuff down as we need to sort through it and wash etc...i started to panic and when i had a chat with OH and he said we should do it in april!!!!!! He didnt get any of the HINTS and seemed in no rush.
Well I spoke to my friends to check i wasnt being unreasonable and then sat down with OH and got very upset, i cried again and told him it was making me ill etc...so he said ok we will do it in Feb/March (which is an improvement!!), well we had our 20 wk scan a week ago and 2 days later we were at a friends house and he said he has taken some time off this weekend and we are going to do it all then...

I could be wrong but i think the scan woke him up and the crying helped alot...

Sorry this is a long one but i wanted you to know you are not alone and that it sounds like your OH hasnt reolised how close it really is and what life will be like with baby!! My advice would be to tell him that it is making you ill, stressing you out and if it isnt going to be done then you cant stay at the flat, what would happen if baby comes early?? You do need to be honest about how upset it is making you, as men do not pick up the signals lol

well big to you and let us know how you get on.

xx tigger xx

 

[allycat]

Why do we have to cry and get really down about something before men react to us?! Glad you're now getting everything sorted this weekend 'cause that will put your mind at rest! I'm sure it's not easy moving a boy from one room into another either and he has to get settled in there too - be easier now before you're really stressing about child number 2!

Well I spoke to my OH this morning and told him the way the flat is now is having a really bad effect on our relationship because it's causing a lot of stress. We have 15 weeks 'til little one comes along assuming I go to 40 weeks, so could even be less if she comes out early! I told him it was rediculous that we can't do our own washing at home and that I will need to be washing regularly and keep on top of it when little one is here. I said I wasn't eating when I'm at home and the stress is making me really down and that's why I've been really grumpy and resntful towards him as well. He said he really does need to make a start.

He rang me back a few minutes ago saying that he is going to start THIS WEEKEND and will get my DVD unit built so my DVDs can come out of cardbard boxes! He is also going to see about getting a loan from the bank so we can do the bathroom and kitchen over the next few weekends! He also said it was about time he did and we'd be much happier and even acknowledged that we can't be 100% happy with the way things are now! Woohoo!

xxx

 

[tigger]

WOW THATS FANTASTIC!!!

Do you feel a little better now you may have got some bits sorted??

It is a really stressful time and you dont need the extra stress...I am getting excited as tomorrow we are soting through Haydn's toys and moving them into the big room which means we can make our lounge look less like HAMLEY'S TOY STORE
Then we can get the stuff down from loft, i cant wait to see all the little things again

Good luck with your sort out, and let me know how it is going...

xx tigger xx

 

[georgie1991]

im really glad ur getting it fixed love
least of ur worrys shud be a house wen uve only got 15 weeks left.

and just think, in a few weeks time ull have a place to be proud of.

 

[Loulabele]

Oh Happy days allycat - its such a relief to hear those few words you've been waiting on isn't it - fingers crossed he will start for u this weekend - keep on his back and make sure he does - it isn't fair on u really especially being stuck at home all day and bein depressed about it - give him a wee kick in the butt and tell him to get it done or else

 

[allycat]

I think he's starting to realise just how much this flat is getting me down...it really is tiny! My last flat that I had to myself was twice the size so downsizing is hard especially when having to share as well! Just glad things might be finally moving and I don't see him giving up a few weekends to do DIY being a bad thing if it means months of us getting on and being happy at home. Chances of us getting moved by the council any time soon are slim as they don't re-house people all that quickly round here!

If he sorts the flat out I'm gonna be way more likely to be cleaning and doing housework 'cause I'll be really house proud bit hard to be when most of the walls have been scraped down to the bare plaster and there's no proper flooring down etc.

georgie1991: you're right...there are more important things to be worrying about with 15 weeks to go! Shouldn't be feeling like this in my own home 'cause my negativity would rub off on baby if it's not srted by the time she comes along! We still have to go for follow up heart scan yet to make sure her little heart's ok!

tigger: feel etter knowing things are getting sorted! Yay! I bet you feel better knowing your living room is gonna be sorted and feel like a living room again! I bet your son's excted about moving to a bigger room as well!

xxx

 

[tigger]

Thanks Allycat, yes i think he will love his new room and i will love the fact that i can limit the numberof toys downstairs (as at the moment he gets everything out and i get really worn out picking it al back up)

Keep us posted as to how your place is taking shape and how your baby is...

xx tigger xx

 

[saz-jay]

I know how you feel. I moved to a 1 bedroom flat (from a 3 bed masionette) on jan 5th 2009, its needs some serious redecoration etc....i dont know how i'm going to get it all done before bubba arrives, BUT, i'm trying to focus on one room at a time, i find it alot easier that way.....bathroom first as i dont have a bathroom sink that works at all at the moment, so need to get that done soon Just think, once all the work IS done, your appreciate it even more cause you've seen such a transformation and you, baby and your oh will have a lovely place to live.

 

[SoonToBeMrs]

Hun I completely understand..

You're pregnant and this means your instincts are telling you to get the nest ready for baby and get it ready now!

I'm exactly the same! My OH used to be off work and while I was working he promised me he would get so many things done.. now that the tables have turned and he is at work and I'm at home these things haven't been done and the time is nearing! I can't do them myself because it involves heavy lifting and drilling holes into walls and taking trips to the dump (i don't drive yet) and none of this I can do myself.

I understand where you're coming from hun.. try and explain to him that you have this urge to have the place ready for baby because it's depressing you looking around the place knowing it's just not ready for the baby and time is running out!

Allocate days for certain tasks.. tell him you want something done by a certain date.. try and make him understand how important it is to you.

Hope it gets done soon hun.. I know how you feel.. you're not being unreasonable at all.. it's your instincts xxx

 

[allycat]

It's definitely only work that a man can do on the flat and I wouldn't have a clue what to do! I think you're right about it being my nesting instinct...I will use that phrase later when he gets home Just want a nice home for when the baby comes along so I feel happy and relaxed here, whereas at the moment I feel frustrated all the time!

xxx

 

[Shinymac]

I feel a bit like this lately.
I keep wanting to move so we have a room for the baby, instead of 5 of us being crammed into a 2 bedroomed terrace... but we just can't afford to do it and it's really stressing me out!

 

[Mummy Rich]

Men eh!! Can't live with em and can't live without him.

My oh is amazing at times, a proper darling who puts up with soooo much from me. Even the ones who seem perfect are lazy buggers.

He is off work next week as its half term for him so I have asked him to paint the babies room. I practically had to drag him along to b and q and mothercare this sunday just gone. I know he will do it eventually it's just getting him to move his arse!!

I think it's a man thing. Wether it's your first or second baby they have no sense of urgency unless we cry or the baby is almost here. I've just over 12 weeks left and apparently thats aaaagggggeeeessss away ahaha

Gggggrrr...I declare this the man rant thread. Glad your oh is getting a move on. Kick him where it hurts if he dont sort it

 

[allycat]

Well he was getting a move on with it until he rang the bank last night for a loan and they declined him! So we're back to square 1 again He has floor tiles for the kitchen and bathroom and we already bought the electric shower so that's something that can be done with a bit of help from his brother BUT I want to wash my OWN CLOTHES! Drives me mad we have no washing machine!

Can you all please keep your fingers crossed for us winning the lottery? xxx

 

[ejjie]

Same thing here hon we had a massive row at the weekend, the same row we've had every weekend for a month. He's planning all this stuff like going away with his mates at the end of the month and fishing trips, nights out but not getting anything done to prepare for the baby.

I slept in the spare room on Sunday night and that's what finally made it hit home with him. He's finally got around to reading the 'bloked guide to pregnancy' book I bought him and is beginning to understand the nesting instinct and everything that is going on in my head.

He's planned a load of jobs now for the next couple of months to get us ready.

Finally we make progress! Glad you are getting some results

 

[ejjie]

Well he was getting a move on with it until he rang the bank last night for a loan and they declined him! So we're back to square 1 again He has floor tiles for the kitchen and bathroom and we already bought the electric shower so that's something that can be done with a bit of help from his brother BUT I want to wash my OWN CLOTHES! Drives me mad we have no washing machine!

Can you all please keep your fingers crossed for us winning the lottery? xxx

Have you tried freecycle for a washing machine hon?

 

[allycat]

Men really do need a kick up the bum don't they?! You think they'd be just as excited as us and obsessed with getting everything ready in time, but no!

We could get a washing machine, but our kitchen just isn't big enough for one...it's the tiniest kitchen ever! We can only just about fit a cooker and fridge in there! I HATE THIS FLAT! Arrrrrgghhhh! Once we knock down the wall between the pokey kitchen and pointless indoor coal bunker we can start planning a new one and have more than 1 floor and 1 wall cabinet!

xxx

 

[splashmonkey]

I know it's not an ideal solution, but do you need the loan just to knock the wall down or for the new kitchen? If worst comes to worst you could knock the wall down and just shove a washing machine in the space for now... dunno, just a thought.

PS expecting men to understand why decorating/refurbing your house will make any difference to your life, whether expecting a baby or not, is wishful thinking I'm afraid! They just don't get it at the best of times