As long as they are healthy.....

[Chase]

This is just a brain dump so please feel free to scroll on.

You hear the phrase 'as long as they are healthy' so many times in the ttc/pregnancy world. It's the right thing to say. Everyone wants a healthy baby.

Here's the thing... Some people don't get a healthy baby, I didn't. My baby was diagnosed with Down's Syndrome at birth which in itself wasn't a problem but he had pulmonary hypertension, he was on oxygen for 11 weeks, Nicu for 4, he had a hole in his heart, severe jaundice, issues feeding, hypotonia. He developed epilepsy at 5 months old, was on life support twice for RSV in Dec 2013 and again in 2014. He was not 'healthy' he spent his first 3 years of life in and out of hospital. He was (and still is) happy and loved and having health problems doesn't make him or us any different.

Despite all of those health issues he was and still is perfect and happy!

The phrase 'as long as they are healthy' a has always bothered me since then because what if they aren't? Have I failed? Is my baby not good enough?

I know that there is never any malice behind this phrase at all, that it's well meaning and almost a flippant throw away comment.

Some women get prenatal diagnosis and know that health problems are pre existing before birth so it can sting to hear it.

By all means hope that your baby is healthy, we all want that, but know that if they have health issues then it isn't the end of the world (in most cases) no one has failed and the baby is still perfect in every way.

 

[night owl]

I completely get where you are coming from chase, when my friends/family have been pregnant I’ve heard them say this expression when asked if they want to find out the gender and to be honest I felt like saying ‘well what if it’s not healthy though’ But I know that would go down like a lead balloon!

I know it’s just a saying which people probably use without much thought but it feels to me there’s an implication that only a healthy baby would be acceptable to them

I haven’t had a successful pregnancy yet but when I do, and if I get asked if I’m finding out the gender I think I’ll just say ‘no, I’m keeping it as a surprise’, I know nobody means any harm by it but I just find it a bit thoughtless in regards to parents who do have disabled children

 

[IVW]

As nightowl has said, we totally get where you are coming from and you are 'right' in what you say, but people just say it as a flippant comment and havent really thought much in to.

The reasons behind why i would say it, is because i wouldn't want my newborn to suffer in anyway and i would just want the best for them - thats how i see it.

 

[alwayscoffee]

As nightowl has said, we totally get where you are coming from and you are 'right' in what you say, but people just say it as a flippant comment and havent really thought much in to.

The reasons behind why i would say it, is because i wouldn't want my newborn to suffer in anyway and i would just want the best for them - thats how i see it.

I agree. I think everyone strives for a healthy baby because it's what we all want for the baby. No one wants to see their baby suffer, but even if it's not healthy it doesn't mean the baby won't be loved or wanted. If anything, it will be loved more.

I'm so sorry Chase. And nothing is wrong with your baby, you have not failed in anyway. It's not anyone's fault. This was out of your hands. You are so strong and have endured a lot. I admire you.

 

[tinselcat]

Weirdly I saw a thread on this exact topic on facebook just 2 days ago, the lady who started it saying that wishing for a "healthy baby" was a "disablist" comment and as someone who hadn't had a 'healthy' baby, she found it an upsetting thing for people to say.

Although if someone said "I hope your baby makes it out alive" then I would think that's a weird thing to say too.

 

[Chase]

Despite his health issues at birth Aaron didn't suffer he just required a little bit of oxygen and some extra care. He wasn't in any pain at all.

I am a person who has said this in the past, but when you are a parent. Health problems and disabilities are just part of the package sometimes anf while it doesn't define your child it is part of who they are. I would never take DS out of Aaron, it makes him who he is. I would however replace those crappy lungs so I never have to say goodbye to him again.. Twice in one lifetime was more than enough

 

[Akua]

Despite his health issues at birth Aaron didn't suffer he just required a little bit of oxygen and some extra care. He wasn't in any pain at all.

I am a person who has said this in the past, but when you are a parent. Health problems and disabilities are just part of the package sometimes anf while it doesn't define your child it is part of who they are. I would never take DS out of Aaron, it makes him who he is. I would however replace those crappy lungs so I never have to say goodbye to him again.. Twice in one lifetime was more than enough

I think this is what I personally mean if I say I just want them to be healthy. I don’t care if they’re disabled or autistic or have ds or whatever. I just never want to be in a position where I lose my child - miscarrying is heartbreaking enough as it is, so I have no idea how people cope saying goodbye to a real living breathing child.

Although I appreciate it’s a weird thing to say. It’s not like gender and health are mutually exclusive. If you reverse it, it sounds even more dumb. Like “I don’t care if it’s limbless, I just want one with a penis”

 

[Hayz]

Aw Chase you’ve had it tough. I must admit, with 2 autistic children, it’s still a phrase I use mainly because I’ve proven what we can all achieve even when they’re not healthy, but no one wishes illness and disability on a child. I would never say that I’m ok with my next child being autistic because it’s a hell of a hard life. If they are, then they will be loved and cherished and I will do whatever I can for them. However, I’ve gone to extreme lengths to try to ensure they won’t be as life with a disability is hard. You’ve not failed as a parent and your child is not less, it’s just harder. I imagine seeing your child in hospital is probably one of the worst moments of your life. For me knowing that my child will need 24 hour supervision for the rest of her life is something that’s really hard to deal with. Most parents won’t be in this position and nobody ever imagines it’ll happen to them when they first start trying for a baby. My hope is that my child can live a happy, healthy, independent life, free from pain and the fear of death. I’ll be happy with any child that I get. I won’t necessarily be happy with the situation though.

 

[Hayz]

Although I appreciate it’s a weird thing to say. It’s not like gender and health are mutually exclusive. If you reverse it, it sounds even more dumb. Like “I don’t care if it’s limbless, I just want one with a penis”

Akua, hahaha brilliant. You’re so right. It’s a throw away comment meant to show people that you wouldn’t favour one over the other, but it’s done in a slightly strange way

 

[Juice]

After having and losing a baby that wasn't healthy, this phrase stings me too. I know people don't mean anything by it, but it still hurts.