"Are you Okay?"

[Dragonfly Fi]

Isnt it amazing how a few words can change so much?

before the 23rd when someone asked me if i was okay, even if i was a bit down, i could reply with 'Yeah i'm cool, bit miffed about Liams socks (for example) but generally okay'
but how do you swap that round?

before this week i just couldnt, i couldnt not bring myself to utter the words 'i'm fine' when people asked me that question... it was like words stuck in my throat - how do you describe it. its the opposite of what it normally is

normally its like

'Yep i'm good' (meaning maybe 90% good) and then maybe 'but so n so has wound me up today'

now its like 'i'm fine' (meaning maybe 90% absolutely properly rubbish) and then maybe 'but i am living, surviving, breathing, dressing myself in the morning, eating ocassionally (and sometimes too much) and generally getting by'

How do you deal with that?

today i managed to utter an 'i'm fine' rather than feeling i needed to explain my feelings, which is good and positive but i am wondering wether that will ever be all it is, wether there will ever be a time that those words dont highlight just how fucking rubbish it all is. Will it ever be more than an uttering?

will it always be a fucking mission to have to speak to someone or to see someone in the street? I feel like i have deeply, deeply changed, like my innocence has been stolen away. I feel like before this everything was BRILLIANT because nothing was that bad. Now i feel like it couldnt be worse really...


Thats my aim, one day i just want to hear the words 'are you okay' and not be totally knocked for six by them.

that would be nice


*end of random rant*

 

[netty]

i know how you feel hunny, i felt like screaming FUCK OFF OF COURSE I AM NOT OK!! Its hard to know what to say and how to react when you are crumblinginside. Its not just you hunny xxxxx

 

[dyscochick]

ooh I went through that too. Especially as not a lot of people knew, so many people said it inadvertently, without knowing. It has got easier, slowly x

 

[BevG]

its amazing how silly and small the things that used to upset you seem to be after you have suffered real agonizing loss.
and listening to ppl moan about missing their bus or it being a bit cold or how unfair it is that .....blah blah blah! they make me angry sometimes that they dont appreciate how good things really are in their lives. when you lose someone you love deeply its never fine again, it ok.../ your managing /getting by.
eventually you live with it and it dosent hurt so much but its never fine. and it feels like a lie to say it.

i hope it gets easier for you hun and you are able to eventually only look at the good times and not feel the crushing weight of loss whenever anyone mentions things that remind you of it.
xx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

I seem to deal with everything on a relay, so i went to see a friend who is 20 weeks pregnant on Monday and it was nice but when i got home i really felt awful.

when i went into hospital to have the baby, i was actually quite jovial (well not really but after all the smack and gas n air i was definitely getting into the messy/banter) it was later that it hit

so its like i need to second guess how a situation is going to make me feel... and then try and protect my later self from it

 

[k8_005]

i find it hard to say im fine and in my head have an another little coversation ie,
real convo hey hows you? - im good thanks and you? yeh all good, so youv been married a year now nudge nudge when are the babies coming (obviously there arent that many who knew at my work!
me big (fake but they dont realise smile) oh you know im working on it........

head convo. hey hows you? i fell like im broken up inside into little peices today but i have good and bad days, them : im sorry to hear that want to talk? - me- no just let me get on and dont ask me about babies im suffering having just lost a second one.
them- hug me n say here if you need me.

its a bit sad but its how i deal with it by runnning through an alternitive in my head the other day i didnt manage to keep it in my head with a freind one on one who asked when we were thinking of children, actually talking it through to them helped lots, i didnt cry i just went through all id been through, and you know what they actually knew of the condition and his brother had a similar expeiriance with their second child. i actually really apprchiated the ear to listen and getting a male prespective was nice too outside of the family/immediate manager.

its so hard todeal with emotions and some days i can be absolutly fine and act almost as if nothing ever happened and other days i cant sleep, i think constantly and feel ripped apart with grief but i think its normal? i was hardly far gone at all when i lost each of mine, but its still hard, i cannot imagine having to go through all that you did and wish all the future happiness you can have xxxx hugs xxxx

 

[Laura_C]

It takes time sweetie, you do find a new kind of normal if that makes sense but for me I still find talking to people who don't know me very difficult especially whilst I'm pregnant again. People ask questions that are pretty normal but for someone who has had to deal with such a loss is completely insensitive. I have had to come to terms with the fact that those people still have that innocence and naivety that I once had, but mines gone and I've been exposed to the bad things that can happen - they haven't so they will never get it - ever!

I'm a such a different person now. People keep asking me things like "is this your second baby then" and I have to utter "well no it's actually my third" then more questions follow. They start to ask about my children, how old, boy/girl etc etc and I end up having to explain things. I just don't think I could deny my son and say I just have the one - sometimes I'm able to work around it and just say I have the one daughter and that's that. Some people like to pry though and I just can't lie. They always regret asking after that and I feel shit about making them feel shit but I didn't choose for this to happen. Going to the hairdressers result in me telling my whole life story these days, I think it will be easier when I'm not pregnant anymore as people won't feel as inclined to talk about my babies etc. Some days I just wanna wear a sign telling everyone to f off and leave me be but others I'm much more able to talk openly about things. I don't think this will change, its just the way I am now. I don't dwell on things anymore, god obviously chose this path for me for some strange reason. Some of the friends I have now following my sons death who have lost their child also due to Hydrops always say we are very special people who although connected due to such heartache, there is a special connection and somehow we have been chosen to take this path. Id choose any other path if I could but that what I've been dealt...there is light at the end of the tunnel honey, it comes and goes but it's there