Anyone else?

[Marmite]

Im not really sure where I should put this, I suppose here is as good as anywhere else.

I was wondering if anybody here has had experience of self harm, personaly I have been free of it for around 5 and a half months, and haven't been regularly self harming for about a year and a half by my reckoning. I have come a long way, in school I was pretty much off the rails.

My main worry though my first 15 weeks of pregnancy has been about depression and self harm, and what if I have another bad episode like I did in school. I couldnt begin to look after myself, let alone a little baby if this happened. And I am perfectly aware that depression could easily reoccour.

I have been trying to remember when I was really off the rails, and trying to think what I might be able to do to prevent it if it comes around again, and things that I could do better. Think about it however makes me feel a bit sad.

Really thats turned into a bit of a rant, but I was just wondering if anyone had any similar experiences. If you don't want to reply to this post then any PM's would be appreciated.

 

[tots hope]

I don't have any experience of self harming myself but both my sister and my sister-in-law used to / do self harm. My sister was involved with drugs and drinking form the age of about 13 and this lasted for about 3 years. During this time she turned to self harming and also hd an eating disorder.

My SIL is currently 37 weeks pregnant and although i think she might have stopped self harming i can not be sure.

Like i said i don't have any personal experience but if you woud like to talk to someone just PM me and i will try and talk to you about it.

The best thing i can suggest at the moment is going to see a Councilor about it - did you ever see one before? Your Gp should refer you especially as you have acknowledged it to be a possible problem. I think one good thing is that you are awar eof it rather than avoiding the topic completely.

Hope all goes well x x x

 

[-Kelly-]

I started self harming when I was 11, and I haven't done it for about a year now (I'm 21) although for maybe a year or so before that it was tapering off anyway - all I can say as far as advice goes really is make sure you communicate with your doctor/midwife. They'll be able to put it in your notes, so that they can keep an eye on you, and get you the support you need if the depression does come back.

Counselling could be a good idea too, like tots hope said, just to ease some of your concerns - bottling it all up or denying that there's a problem is probably what would make it more likely to happen.

At least you'll be more aware of the signs this time, so if it does reoccur you should be able to catch it and sort it out early.

PM me anytime you like

 

[Marmite]

Thanks you two

I think that going to see a counciller might be a good idea, I have seen them before, but the only one that worked out for me was at school and I had to stop seeing him when I left. I feel a bit nervous about seeing someone new, but I have been considering it.

As for my notes, its already on there as I have had a hospital stay before a while ago (don't wish to go into details) but they are keeping an eye on me.

Luckily I don't really keep much bottled up anymore anyway though, I always talk to my boyfriend about how im feeling, he's great

 

[Tiffy]

I am a self injurer myself, and have been since I was a small child. I never understood what I was doing exactly, all I knew was that banging my head/other things made me feel better. I still suffer from the urges to SI all the time.

See a councellor, is my advice. I don't see one now unfortunately, but back when I lived in Canada I had an amazing one, who really helped me through. I understand how hard it is, but you do need some support, especially with a baby in the picture.

I hope the best for you, and if you need to talk to someone, message me. I'm always here.

 

[Robyn_]

i used to self harm a LONG time ago, when i was younger as a result of family issues, but my advice as the same as others is see a counsellor, theres loads out there that are amazing and great help, others arent so good, but you will know when you find a good one becasue you will feel at ease talking to them .
hope you are ok .

 

[Marmite]

I am considering councilling, but it's a little awkward as our local hospital/health center doesnt have a NHS Counciller, so im looking at going private.. which isn't great.

There is connextions, but they are not trained councillers.

Im also not sure if im developing depression again, or wether its just my hormones playing up? How do you tell

 

[Tiffy]

You can't really tell. For me, I am often feeling really, really down, and then REALLY up. Because of these huge moodswings, I can guess for myself that it's the hormones, and with time, will pass.

 

[Squiglet]

I had quite a few mental health issues when I was younger... I was dealing with a lot of unresolved issues and ended up being sectioned at 18. When I was released from hospital it was only 6 months later before I fell pregnant with my daughter. She saved my life. I still self harmed when things got bad and I felt all the pain and anger locked up inside my chest and was desperate to let it out...the only way I knew how was cutting myself. But when my daughter was born, I knew I would never make any serious harm attempts. I kept reminding myself of what kinds of mental damage I would do to my daughter, if I left her without a mummy or worse still she found me dead because I had gone too far. It was enough for me to stop.

I can't say that I didn't ever cut myself again....but I haven't cut myself for over four years... Now if I feel the urge (and boy... I still feel the urge) I go and hold an ice cube until it completely melts.... It hurts, but doesn't leave a mark.

Being pregnant actually makes me depressed....having the baby means I can concentrate on other things than those that make me cut myself.... I get antenatal depression rather than postnatal.

Its hard work having mental health problems and then a baby.... but just remind yourself why you have these issues in the first place then promise yourself that you will walk over heaven and earth to give your baby a better life than you had... and part of that is not falling foul of the demons that haunt you.

 

[Tiffy]

Squiglet, I am in a very similar position from the one you were/are in. This child is my motivation to stop, and yes, like you, I still want it BAD - I am working harder than ever to control these urges. Now the most I do is rip out my hair when I am nervous, or upset. I cannot allow any more scars for my child to wonder at.

Great post, thanks for it!

 

[Babylicious]

I never really self harmed but I took a huge over dose at the age of 21, I still get the same thoughts every now and again but I am working through it.

I admire you girls for being so strong

 

[Marmite]

definatly agree that the idea of baby is my motivation to stop, it is very hard though, especialy as distractions like the ice cube one personaly made me feel worse and want to self harm more, which is a little weird.

Thanks for your post squiglet, is antenatal depression common do you know? I have been feeling rubbishy for a while now, is there much you can do to help it?

 

[NooNoo]

i suffered with depression from 13 and have overdosed a few times...but im glad to say that i no longer suffer and yes i agree this baby is a big reason that i dont fall back...

I also think that being labelled with 'depression' or similar is bad because at what stage do you know if you have got rid?? which is why i say i SUFFERED with it..

Its so easy to fall into the trap of 'omg what if my depression is coming back' when in actual fact your just having an off day or going through a bad patch..

 

[Riley's Mommy]

i used to self harm until i was 16. i knew what was causing it, school life.
im so much better now, and the times i consider doing it again reduce all the time.

ive been through a hell of alot atm, and if at any point i was to go back to old ways, it would be now. but it really is true, that your baby keeps you strong.

i havent even cried recently with everything which has been going on.

your baby will give you stregnth to get through.

i think the ice cube idea is a good one. maby check it wont do any harm though.

best of luck getting through this. just wait until you hold that baby in your arms, he/she will become the most important thing in the world to you. nothing else will matter.

 

[Tiffy]

Wow, I am very surprised to see so many responses from people here, with experience with self harm. It's good to see we're not alone, though.

 

[Marmite]

Princess H - Personaly I don't jump straight to the conclusion that depression is comming back, I have been feeling pretty down for around 3 weeks fairly constantly (and I never say omg )

OingoZoingo - I was suprised to see how common it was when I joined a support forum a while back ( http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/ in case anyone is having trouble )

 

[Robyn_]

Well hopefully hunni, things will start looking up for you,
dealing with depression is hard,
but i feel that having a baby could help you, as well as it has helped alot of other people, im not saying that if people have depression and self harm that they should then try for a baby cos im not,

but that littl baby needs a mummy and that baby needs their mummy to be happy, cso your feelings go through to the baby.

i think you can get through this,
with help from alot of people i got through depression, and self harm,
one reason was my bf, he helped me alot, and the other was a counsellor i had, she was lovely, i slipped once when one of my friends died, but then my bf talked to me, and me seeing how much it hurt him when i hurt myself, made me realise that i dont need to do it,
i havent cut in 2 years now, but i do feel very down sometimes, and i deal with it alot differently than what others do,(we are all different)


i really hope you are doing ok ad sorry for the long rant ive done.

 

[NooNoo]

Princess H - Personaly I don't jump straight to the conclusion that depression is comming back, I have been feeling pretty down for around 3 weeks fairly constantly (and I never say omg )

OingoZoingo - I was suprised to see how common it was when I joined a support forum a while back ( http://www.nshn.co.uk/forum/ in case anyone is having trouble )

ok

 

[Squiglet]

Self harm is a problem that most people don't realise is so wide spread... One there is a huge stigma attached to it (i.e. I now tell people I fell through a window when they ask about the scars on my arms.) and I think that society causes this problem with the constant need for people to be perfect and have perfect lives.

When you are not perfect, your life, your body means that you begin to hate yourself, that hate turns inward and you begin to self harm.

I think thats why our kids turn out to be our saving graces, because they destroy a little bit of that hate we have for ourselves. Our children are part of us, and we could never hate them, and therefore cannot fully hate ourselves.

 

[Marmite]

Squiglet, thats really insightful, good way of looking at it.

Personaly I have got to a stage where I have little problem showing the scars on my arms as they are very old and aren't too obvious, but I always wear trousers over my legs when I can.