Another bfn since ttc again after losing a baby, twins and a tube :(

[Joeyxx]

Hi girls, Feeling really down today.. Bfn again and feeling very fedup and upset! I think the worst thing is not knowing if its ever going to happen? Wish we could see into the future and see that everything will be ok!! Instead we are left here wondering and worrying i dont no when i will get over everything i have been thru... I just keep replaying it in a head, and there is no one that understands at home or i find it hard to talk about it!! Im fed up with always being upset.. Could really do with good news for once.
Has any one got any postive feed back? Something i can do to help? Please help me xx

 

[kiwifrootkai]

I'm sorry I have no words to comfort you hun, just sending lots of hugs your way. It will take time, a lot of time, for you to begin healing, and sadly it is a long road. 3years on, I'm still not okay. Altho I do tend to hurt less nowadays.

I wish I could help more, but massive hugs to you

xo

 

[Joeyxx]

Thank you... I hope we get what we want one day, we want it so bad i no what you mean.. I dont think i will ever forget this xxx

 

[kiwifrootkai]

You won't forget it hun. They're in your heart forever

In a bittersweet sorta way it makes you become a better person. I found I was more understanding, but I hated the place it took me to, if that makes sense. You may have read this poem, it means so much to me and describes perfectly how I feel:

An Ugly Pair of Shoes
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

xo

 

[Joeyxx]

Thank u... This made me cry it means so much! Xxxx

 

[kiwifrootkai]

It always makes me tear up when I read it!
xo

 

[Joeyxx]

Its very true! Do u mind me askin if u have had any luck since ? Xx

 

[kiwifrootkai]

We've suffered two losses, both unplanned pregnancies, although very wanted when we did find out. the second loss, I was on the pill but due to sickness it failed, and I went on to lose the baby again early on..and sadly we're not in a position to TTC just yet - i'm very broody, but me and hubby agreed to wait until 2016 to reassess the situation, maybe he'll feel more ready then. I would have a baby tomorrow though. I feel like it's the next step to me healing in a way, if that makes sense. I hold a lot of guilt you see, that my body isn't capable in a way, I'm sure you understand.

Are you ttc just now?

xo

 

[Joeyxx]

Yea we are now.. A year ago i had a mc.. Then a year later i fell again, had a mmc and it ended up i also had a eptopic and lost my twins.. Also a tube! I think having a baby is the only thing to make me happy again!! So sorry for your loss, i really hope things work out for you, how come your leaving it a few years to try again?
Xxx

 

[JJ Mum]

I'm sorry you got a bfn this cycle Joey, sounds like you have had a terrible run of bad luck X

Kiwifrootkrai - what a great poem - It's so moving , and yet says it all perfectly, I have saved a copy of it so I can read it again..thank you for sharing it

Both - I think it's time your shoes got some sparkle back in them girls, hang in there XX

 

[Joeyxx]

It is a lovely poem!! I could really do with some sparkle.. Bring on 2013 xxx

 

[Harpy]

So sorry you have been through all of that

Ive had one MC, and early just before 11 weeks, and its still pretty raw. I can't imagine how you must be feeling

I am the same, in that I replay it in my head all the time, I wish I could switch off from thinking about it sometimes.

I hope you get your BFP real soon, same for all of us, although I am not ready to try just yet, I hope I will be soon xx

 

[k8_005]

Hi ladies sorry to hear what everyone is going through my TTC journey started over two years ago. I lost the first preg 2010 to anacephaly and the second in 2011. Both were terminations past 12 weeks. I felt guilty and heart broken and we joined a clinical trial we started TTC again in May. Now I'm 8weeks preg and we hope this time that things work out at the 12 week scan. (3rd Jan) it's been a bumpy ride with many tears of sadness along the way you are right when you say the shoes make you stronger. I also wanted. To say that however much we all want a baby or a child if we cannot conceive naturally tho it is hard there is also the option of foster or adoption or surrogacy. I have decided personally after much agonising as I realise it's a difficult decision should the anacephaly present again we won't TTC again. We will start trying to adopt. I just wanted to say that tho I'm positive re my preg right now no one knows the future and hope is all we can have sending you all the biggest hugs I know how upsetting loss is I know how you feel part of you is dead but actually with time things happen I have spoken at length to friends and here are some after loss storys gem: 10 mcs. Later she has a baby due next week and has had a healthy preg, Kerry: one tube and thickened lining endometritus told never have children just gave birth 5 yrs later to a healthy daughter, Rosanna: 1 healthy n one mc then a healthy daughter, Kelly: 2mc and a healthy daughter now , Kirsty had pcos and tried for 6yrs before giving up on TTC then fell preg and now has a healthy baby think there are times when we give up and because we are stressing less nature says ok now is your time I know my friends inspired me to keep going in dark times I hope by sharing theirs and my storys it helps you biggest hugs xxx