An Update on the Situation R2D2

[Jayceesmumma]

I would hate to have 'father unknown' on my bc or my children's. Even though their 'dad' never sees them.

Its not so bad, i thought about adding him now i'm older, but to be honest, i realised a while back that i didn't really care enough about it, its just a piece of paper. Of course my dad has continually backed up his can't be bothered attitude throughout my life, so maybe that's why it doesn't bother me

I'm sorry you've been through that I've never been in either situation so I couldn't possibly know what it's like.. It also depends on the person which u can't tell how it's going to affect them til they're grown up and by then it's too late.
I'm so glad you've come out better off

I was with my new partner for only 3 months when I fell pregnant with this one.. Finally I was getting my life together and started living for me as well as my kids as they are older. I had my eldest at 18 so put my life on hold for seven years. This baby was such a shock to me and him as he is only 21 but he and his family were overjoyed.. He had to drop out of university and get a job which I feel so guilty about. I don't believe in 'the other option' so I basically had no choice but to continue and come to terms with the fact my life has to be put on hold once again. My partner has come to terms with it completely and is very happy in his new job. I'm still finding it hard to get my head round it all but at the end of the day a child is a blessing. I have polycystic ovary disease so it was a very big shock but also a blessing as I was told I wouldn't be able to have any more children. I know it's not the same for you as I'm still with my partner and I have kids already but I did have big plans for my life. Your life won't end your still going to be able to do everything you want to do just may take a bit longer than you'd imagined.
You never know this may be an amazing thing for you, no it may not be the most ideal situation, but at the end of the day there is a child coming into the world. If it's yours then your going to be a father and you'll have to come to terms with that.
It's still early days and it will take time to get used to it, I've struggled admittedly (feel so selfish and guilty I feel this way) and I'm the one carrying it and having the hormones needed to bond.. Whereas you don't. So I can understand it's hard for you right now just have some faith and know that it's not the end of the world. Anyone would be furious if you question whether it's yours or not your basically calling her a bed jumper!
Like I've said before, be more supportive of her put your feelings aside and be there for her and she will let you be there for scans etc. If u demand proof it's yours and only seem to want to go to scans to prove it's not of course she is going to deny you that! I wouldn't want someone like that with me in a scan either!
Everything happens for a reason good and bad.
Accept it and try to deal with it in the right way and you'll get what you want.
I hope things can be resolved peacefully with you both because she will never forget how uninvolved and accusing you were of her and she may end up bitter and make the decision for you to not be involved if you decide you want to.
Please stop thinking your life will end because it won't!

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Laura

 

[Jayjay027]

I tend to think of it this way, I dont know a single person, man or woman, who regrets having their baby, planned or unplanned.

But I know a few people who regret having an abortion or not trying to talk their partner out of one.

When the baby comes, if it yours, guaranteed you wont want to picture your life without your Little one.

 

[R2D2]

Thanks to all for comments, so far.

 

[Sam's Mum]

While she might not be happy about it, she must at least understand - as you didn't know each other well when the baby was conceived - that you want to know for sure that you are the father before you commit to any sort of financial support. I'm glad that you are prepared to take responsibility - at least financially - for your child at least though, and to be honest I'd suggest that for now you wait until the baby is born before you giver her any indication of how involved you want to be physically. It's not always easy for a father in a commited relationship with a planned pregnancy to connect to a baby before the birth, any many are overwhelmed by just how strongly they feel about the life they have created when the baby is born, so you have no idea how you might feel when he or she is here so for now I'd seriously recommend keeping things as civil as possible, being as supportive and involved as you can persuade yourself to be - particularly in the hope that you might get invited to scans - and as Jayceesmumma said, please stop talking as if having a baby will be the end of the life you have planned for yourself. While things may be far more difficult when you have another person to support, having a baby does not need to stop you from doing all the things you want to do. I have friends who, after finding themselves single mums not long after leaving school, are now very successful and more than capable of supporting their little families on their own

 

[R2D2]

All good advice, thanks.

I think decisions about involvement will change, possibly, once I establish that I am the father. Dates could well make sense as she says she has a 6 week cycle. Is this normal?

 

[leesey]

No, not 'normal' but very few women have a 'normal' cycle!!

It's not completely unheard of, quite a lot of women have long or irregular cycles, and depending on how long ago her miscarriage was, she may not have had a normal cycle since.

If that's what she says, believe her. Innocent until proven guilty. It will make your life easier for the time being, even if you still have your doubts. You need to make your life as easy as possible right now, as it's going to get an awful lot harder in a a few months!!!

You have been lectured right left and centre and you have taken it like a man Just bite your tongue, keep your doubts to yourself for the time being, and support her however she needs or wants right now.

Once you know everything for sure, you will be able to make any decisions you need to make, with a level head and all the facts.

 

[redbear]

Well i thought i was due on the 13th Jan and when i went to the scan it was the 19th because my cycles are longer than normal - but luckly i only sleep with my husband so it didn't matter but i still couldn't tell you if i conceived in our bed or in a tent! So its a good job i wasn't having an affair!!

It is harder to have an exact date when you have odd cycles so i don't think it would really help if they gave you a different due date - DNA is the way to go - they sell the kits at boots now so its cheaper and so you can get it done as soon as possible so that you don't miss out on the babies early days/ months/ years because of money.

There are a lot of dads who work abroad (army dads etc) so as long as you are willing to make the time to come back and visit the baby often and arrange this with the mother then there is no reason it will ruin your life.

I know you want people to look at it from the other way around but imagine if you had sex and you then had a baby growing in your belly and she was telling you she didn't want it - Abortion is not a nice process at all and i doubt you would want to go through it yourself especially if you wanted the baby and she didn't. But appart from keeping the baby she doesn't have a say the baby does from now on- bubs will decide when it comes out, how big it will grow, which way around it will sit, what sex it is, etc... its all out of both of your hands! So sacry for her as well as you.

Hopefully you get to go to the scan because if you saw its little hands and feet and fingers kicking and swimming around as early as 16 weeks you would understand why she wants to keep it. xx

 

[Laura_C]

I have fairly 'normal' cycles although mine are still 31 days, or basically the same date every month rather than 28 days cycles which is supposedly the 'norm'. With my second baby my dates according to the scan were 5 days out, they put me back by 5 days. I must have ovulated much later that cycle and this would make sense as I didn't get a positive until 5 days after my period was due and even then the positive result was very faint but there.

My sister fell pregnant some time ago and she had recently split with her previous fella and was with someone else. She suspected she may be pregnant as she hadn't had a period for 3 months so went to family planning to take a test. It was positive so the nurse assumed she must be about 12 weeks. She had a scan and she was bleeding at this time - turns out the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. She had to have a d&c after that. She is still unclear as to which boyfriend fathered that baby. Her cycles were all over the place, so it could of been either! Just shows that she could of been out by 6 weeks because of her cycles!

 

[R2D2]

Thanks

 

[Jayceesmumma]

How are things? Has she had the scan?

 

[R2D2]

No scan, yet. Think it will be soon, though. Have had some contact with her. Trying to be friendly at the moment.

Feel like I have my head around it much more now - just takes time.

Will keep you posted.

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Of course it's gonna take some time glad things have calmed down for you

 

[redbear]

I'm sure once things are more settled she will calm down and you will be able to build a friendlier relationship xx