An article I read about a big cause of post natal depression

[Sarah W Baby Belly]

I read a bit about post natal depression the other day and it certainly made me think.

Apparently the biggest cause of PND in new mums is setting yourself high expectations and then not being able to reach them when you give birth.

It turns out that I could have been setting myself up for a big fall after the birth, just because I tried to convince myself that I would be this trendy, non-greasy haired super mum with a tidy house etc.....

The reality is, the demands of a newborn, mean that there will be weeks when you haven't been out of your dressing gown for days, you might have greasy hair , the washing might build up and so might the dust.

I always thought that I would make myself get dressed and have nice hair. What planet was I living on?

I am so glad I read that article and have now decided to take everything as it comes and not give create unrealistic ideals that I have to live up to.

I am also going to sleep as much as possible and to hell with the washing! Let the M.I.L do it I say. Shes retired and bored. She can do it!

What do you all think about this?

 

[Rosieroo]

I thought I'd have time to shower, wash my face and clean my teeth, run a brush through my hair and whack it up in a pony tail and get dressed - surely DH can hold the baby for all of 10 mins whilst I do this in the morning?

And to run a vacuum round downstairs, do the washing up, clean the bathroom and the kitchen sides off and generally tidy takes about 20 mins which either of us can do.

I know that looking after the baby is going to be tiring, but surely it will sleep at some point? If I am sat down, in my pjs at 3pm in the afternoon, surrounded by grot that will make me feel more depressed than wearing proper clothes in a bit of a tidy house.

I guess I am unrealistic, but I can't see how if you're in a couple you can't share tasks, it wont take both of us to feed the baby or change it. I know that I will be tired, but a nice refreshing shower sure helps sometimes!!

 

[littlebump]

Hi Sarah

That is interesting - and good to know what to look out for!

I guess none of us first time mums really know what to expect. I must admit I had visions of doing all housework in a morning, and being on top of washing/ironing, popping out to do the shopping, visiting the relatives, and hubbie having a full cooked meal to come home to. Then I read up about breastfeeding when I realised that baby can be feeding every 3-4 hours for up to an hour at a time - it made me wonder how I'll have time to do anything other than feed myself and the baby! I've therefore reigned in my expectations and that of hubbies!!! I think it's more likely that by the time he gets home, I'll be handing him the baby so I can go and get some sleep!!

I can see why this can cause depression though - also the fact that some mothers find it really hard to leave the house - especially if the baby is a big crier. I think that's what worries me the most - I don't really know anyone in our area and am really worried about feeling isolated.

 

[BubbleOne]

I've been wondering around the house and not getting dressed until late the last few weeks. I'm lucky that I'm not having to go to work everyday. I still do all the washing and ironing etc but OH has taken over the job of hoovering because pushing the hoover around gives me stomach cramps and completely knackers me out!!!!
I am still dusting etc but not as much as I used to.
I think the pressure is there once you've had the baby though because you get a lot of visitors for the first few weeks and I certainly want them to think that I'm so happy and coping brilliantly with the 2hourly feeds, sleepless nights, screaming baby on top of all the housework I used to do and keeping myself well groomed and looking great a week after I've given birth!!
Although I don't think it's going to happen like that for any of us.
There is a lot of truth in that article and although I say I want everyone to think I'm coping really well, I know that the reality will be that my house will look like a bomb site and I'll look like a rugrat but baby will be fine and that's the most important thing!!

 

[Sarah W Baby Belly]

I totally agree Rosieroo!

I can't stand being unwashed.

I guess the article is really saying that it is best if we don't expect to look our best every day.

I'm exactly like you though. I am still adament that feeling disgusting will just make me feel worse.

Surely a 10 minute shower in the evening when OH is cuddling baby, won't be out of the question

 

[Rosebay]

My house is a total state most of the time anyway! The thing that I'm not looking forward to is people coming over and poking us as all of my husband's family live nearby. Since my husband was made redundant and is now doing freelance bits and pieces from home now though I'm kind of hoping that he'll be doing whatever tidying up that will be done! I'm still working full time so I get home knackered and often sleep while he cooks dinner and washes up right now so hopefully it'll just continue for a bit!!

I do get down if I don't get dressed though- even now at the weekends when I tend to sleep loads I get dressed and just fall asleep on top of the duvet or in a chair. It's the lack of sleep that I'm worried about but we'll just have to take that as it comes I guess.

I'm going to have my hair done as close to things happening as possible though!

+++

 

[Rosieroo]

Rosebay - I'm the same, I'm dreading all the visitors. I know they just want to see the new addition, but if these people don't bother to visit you before you have a baby, why should they expect to be able to jump on you when you've had one and they want to have a nosy?

I guess the article is really saying that it is best if we don't expect to look our best every day.

Exactly. It's all down to expectations - I think they are letting you know that it's ok if your house isn't pristine and neither are you, if you do manage to get dressed and do some form of tidying then that's a result.

 

[-Cat-]

eah, sarah we were told the exact same thing in our anti natal class, about PND being commonly caused by having to high expectations on yourself.

I think the reason its hard to do the whole washed and get dressed thing, is cause in those early weeks when you arnt sleeping much, its best if you can sleep in the day as well, when your baby does, so you dont end up to sleep deprived. so when do you wash and dress, when your probably just going to climb into bed again randomly?

Its the whole thing of any routine you have when it comes to cooking meals, getting up and dressed in the morning goes to rat shit! what do you do if you have just started cooking dinner and the baby needs a feed and thats going to take you an hour to do? cook and hold a baby to your bossom at the same time?

 

[Sarah W Baby Belly]

I definitely intend to sleep in the day whenever I can

Sod the M.I.L opinions on a pristine house!

My priorities are going to be

No. 1 - little bean
No. 2 - my health and well being
No. 3 - making sure that DH is OK
No.4 - the way I look
No.5 - the way the house looks

If I don't get down to No.4 or No.5 in a typical day then I guess its tough!

 

[Ragna]

Hiya Sarah

Thanks for that article and thought some of the points really good and I can definately relate to them. Although I had post natal depression with my 3rd daughter and still to this day do not know why?

If I was to give any of you First time mums any advice it would be to get yourself up showered and dressed in the morning whilst your little one waits. I did it with all of mine (bearing in mind I had a new born baby last time with a 18 month old and 3 other children under nine who needed to be taken to school) Honestly if it means taking the baby with you into the bathroom whilst you jump in the shower or getting your husband if home to give a cuddle its so worth it. Its surprising how quickly your baby will realise that they have to wait & it makes you feel better, and you feel more organised to cope once you are not slopping about in a dressing gown. If someone comes..then thats fine too (cos you feel all clean and ready to face the world) and if anyone offers to do anything, whether it be hoovering, a bit of shopping, Take them up on it, EVERY time ! Delegate !!!

I think it very much also depends on what kind of person you are. Some people live in total chaos and feel great, whereas others like being organised. If you are not bothered about a bit of mess....then you just concentrate on your baby . If however it upsets you and makes you feel horrible yourself then perhaps you need to organise yourself between sleeping when baby sleeps and a quick whip round with the hoover.

Im personally the latter and if the house is complete tip (which is frequent with a house full of teenagers!) then I feel a mess myself. When Im organised I feel great.......

Although this will be my 6th, its also like starting again as there is an 11 year gap so Ill get back to you when all my plans have gone out the window and im still in my dressing gown six days later !!!!!

Ragna xxxxxxxxxx

 

[Rosieroo]

Some good advice there Ragna, it's good to hear from non first time mums about how they cope.

I think DH would enjoy 10 mins of bonding time in the morning before he goes to work whilst I quickly nip in and get showered/dressed.

My mum is just round the corner and I know she'll always help out with the tidying etc.

 

[Sarah W Baby Belly]

My M.I.L is just round the corner and even though I don't really fancy her doing my housework I don't mind the idea of giving her a carrier bag full of dirty baby gros and her bringing them back the next day nice and clean! I'll ask her very nicely.

 

[sasha715]

i must admit i hate an untidy house but luckly for me my OH does too so hes does it if im tired.. and mum mum lives 5 mins away so shes said she will come round when bub is born and take the washing n bring bk clean ironed stuff bless her!
as for vistors me n OH have discussed it and his parents can come round on the day bub is born and then no one else is allowed until i feel ok. OH said this was fine and we will just call people when we r ready and they can come rnd coz im not driving everywhere so they can se him!
plus OH has only got 2 weeks off after the birth so i want that time to be just us not worrying about the what the house looks like because we have got loadsa of people coming round!

 

[beanie]

I don't really know anyone in our area and am really worried about feeling isolated.

I have the same concerns, I discussed this with my midwife and she says that there is a postnatal gp in my area, and that this helps prevent PND. I agree, I have no clue what I will be like when baby arrives but surley its good that we are all discussing it now and questioning the reality so we are more prepared when baby comes. I know that we will all be great, and although the shelves may be more dusty or the ironing has built up, we will be great mums xxxxxxxx