Am I being unreasonable?

[giuliaplus2]

Hello ladies... first of all this post isn't about me, it regards my little sister, who unfortunately just miscarried. I'm a little concerned and wanted to hear your opinions on this. I wanted to post it in the private girlies section, but haven't been accepted yet, so I'm posting it here. I may delete the content of the post later on, because I don't want my sister to read this. She's not in the forum, but you never know she may end up finding it anyway as she knows I'm on here. Just so you know in case the post disappears in the future... I apologise in advance as this might get a little longer. this is what it's about:

So my little sister fell pregnant after a one night stand with a friend... I know they've been friends for a few years now and according to her nothing had ever happened up until now, but they were never in love and aren't now either. Her friend is also a friend of mine and he is a really really nice guy, always honest and he was always good to my sister (besides the fact that he slept with her). Everybody in my family likes him and he's always welcome to visit. The only thing is: he doesn't like children and he always said he never ever wanted to have kids. I know many people say that it's different when they're your own kids and I believe that's true to some extent, but it can't be guaranteed and he didn't really believe in it himself. He's a lot older than my sister, he's in his early 30ies, got a great job and is very certain about what he wants in life, which includes marriage but no children...so this is not a 'temporary' phase of someone who just isn't ready to settle down, it's just the way he is.
Even though (at least so they say) they did use protection my sister ended up pregnant. She struggled a little with the thought of being a parent at first, but she came around real quick and decided she definitely wanted to keep the baby. He wasn't happy about it - and as I said he isn't a bad guy so of course he wouldn't ask her to have an abortion if she didn't want to and never mentioned it - but he was still a little upset for telling him she was pregnant only after she made the decision of keeping it as he would have at least liked to raise a few concerns. Anyway, she had decided to keep it and they had a few fights about the baby...she said she would do it all on her own, he said he was going to give his best to take responsibility, but couldn't promise that everything would work out the way she hopes, as he can't help the fact that he simply doesn't like children.
Now my sister just found out she had a miscarriage and she is - of course - devastated. The father feels really bad for her (I don't think he feels said that there's not going to be a child after all, but he cares a lot for my sister as a friend and even though he didn't want to have a child he never wanted her to go through this.
Now my sister has to get aa D&C procedure done and she couldn't possibly be alone around this time. I feel horribly sad for her, as I know she really loved her little baby, even though she was 'only' pregnant for a few weeks. Her friend offered to accompany her to the hospital along with our mum... now here's what I am worried about. She said she wanted him to come, but I just don't feel like it's the best idea... i mean if that is what she wants I respect it of course, but I don't understand how she wants to have the one person there, who didn't want the baby! I am not judging him for not wanting babies and he took good care of her the past few days, but I always keep in mind that at some point he is 'relieved'. Not that she's going through this or that the baby died, but relieved that he isn't going to be a father. I can't really seem to understand why she would want HIM there. We have two other sisters and a brother, we all offered to go with her and so did her best friends... but she wanted him to come. I would completely understand if he was her boyfriend or if she was in love with him, but she says she isn't at all. There's also going to be a small "ceremony" afterwards where the baby will be buried next to other miscarried babies... So he would be there for that, burying his baby, while my sister is going to be miserable and he's just going to feel bad for her, but not for the baby... This may be a different situation, but I wouldn't want someone at a funeral who doesn't care about the person who died or am I wrong? I mean after all it's just going to be more like him pitying her, but not actually caring for the baby, whereas I believe her family and friends could give her much better support and feel sorry with her rather than for her if that makes sense... also I'm afraid she may actually have feelings for him and that's why she wants him to be there... i just don't want her to be disappointed if he doesn't react the way she hopes. I don't know, but maybe she hopes that he's going to be sad with her, which I know is not going to happen... I won't show her that he's not sad of course, but I'm pretty sure he won't be crying with her either. If I were in her position it would hurt me even more knowing that the person with me in hospital is actually relieved about not becoming a parent after all.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking this is a bad idea? I'm just worried that maybe he cannot give her the support she needs that day... I personally wouldn't want someone there who I KNOW didn't care about my baby, regardless of the efforts he may have made..
Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get this off my chest as I really just want the best for my sister and I wish she didn't have to go through this.

 

[millielaura]

I'm so sorry for what happened to your sister !
I was in a similar position with my ex, I miscarried and he had never wanted baby. I went through it all on my own (he was very horrible about it though so reacted a lot worse than your sisters friend in a sense) but he did turn up to the hospital with me. Although he hadn't wanted to be involved with the baby I felt more of a sense of comfort even to have him there being useless, i'm not sure why but felt it was fair on the baby having their dad sort of there too and also I bet once its over and happened and they are burying baby he may end up feeling quite sad.
I totally agree with where you are coming from 100 percent though as if it was my sister I would be mad at the thought of someone who didn't even want the baby coming.
It's a tough one. I'd say go with what your sister wants, and let her have it how she thinks she will deal with it all best but then also if he is unsupportive on the day and she is more upset then be there for her which I'm sure you will be. Could you maybe ask her if she would want you there so that you can be there for her too? Or perhaps have a word with him and just explain how you feel and that you obviously want the best support for your sister etc.
I really hope you are all okay xxx

 

[MrsS143]

Hes the last and only link to that angel baby
She cannot think of that baby without thinking of him
They obviously grew close enough to sleep with one another and clearly formed some sort of bond over the pregnancy
despite not wanting to he was at least willing to try

As for the ceremony
Ive been to funerals and not known the deceased
I've gone to support the living

He might feel relieved but i believe theres likely some sadness there not that he will admit it as that is admitting to himself that he does in fact care

He also clearly cares for your sister
Sometimes with family you cant always be your true self
She just might get that from him. No judgement. Just raw emotion

Its their choice ultimately
She wants him there. And if he goes its because he wants to be there
Its not ideal but its not the worst of situations

Even if it goes pear shaped... Every experience is worthwhile if it teaches us something x

 

[giuliaplus2]

Thank you so much millielaura, it's great to get an opinion from someone who know what her situation is like. I'm sorry you had to go through this too This is something no woman should ever experience
I understand it a little better know, maybe she did really think about what would be fair to the baby...especially since that's usually what us mums do - choose what's best for our babies... so that actually makes some sense. I assumed it must be that she has feelings for him (I don't know why that's so set in my mind, especially as she told me she doesn't and we tell each other everything..so I think she would have told me if she did, unless she's denying it), but maybe that's really what's behind this.

It's a good idea, I mean it doesn't necessarily have to be ONLY him...I'll ask her if she wants me or one of our sisters to go with them. We could all go together and make sure that she's alright - only if she wants us to come of course.
Thank you so much, your answer has helped me see it from a different perspective!

 

[MrsS143]

Is it possible too that youre used to being so close and it now seems she doesn't need you as much?

 

[giuliaplus2]

MrsS143, you're right.. it's just that she told me they never grew 'closer' than friendship besides that one time.. and I've talked to him many times about it as he's a good friend of mine too and when he told me he wasn't happy about it he really seemed like he didn't want it at all. And at many points he didn't even want to talk about it and got upset as soon as someone mentioned the word pregnancy or baby too often...but you might be right that during the funeral he could feel sad at some point even though he said he probably wouldn't (he didn't say that to her of course). But you're right...it's probably not the worst of situations.. so it's probably going to be alright, I'm just so worried as she's my little sister and she's already feeling so miserable right now... I just want her to be better soon. But if it's her wish.. then he should be there.

i just read your second post now so I'll edit mine: I don't think that's the issue... I wouldn't even mind if one of our other sister or her best friend went along, it doesn't necessarily have to be me... I'm just afraid that she is going to be disappointed if he can't shed a tear and is only there because he feels bad for her... but if it helps her then that's fine by me as long as she gets the support she needs

 

[millielaura]

You are welcome, I'm so glad I could be of some help. It must be so difficult for you all right now.
I agree it's a good idea to ask if she'd like you to come along and make sure she is alright if thats what she wants
Sending hugs to you all xxx

 

[MrsS143]

I know when i miscarried... i was a mess as it was
My husband had to be strong for him and me
Id have completely broken more if he got upset in front of me
She might just need him there. They were friends before and not just a one night stand
The procedure itself isnt long and you'll be available to her if and when she needs it regardless of how he behaves

Just let her know you're there and thatll be enough xx

 

[H16]

I agree that even though he didn't want the baby he will probably still be sad about the whole situation, I can't see anyone being super happy that their child died whether they were planned or not. He is also probably carrying around a lot of guilt that the baby has died when he didn't even want it and may even feel like it is his fault it happened, people have very strange reactions when it comes to death. Also even though he did not want to be a father him and your sister will of formed a bond over conceiving a child together, it is a pretty unique relationship to know two of you created life together and regardless of the end result they will always have that bond now and probably do need to go through the whole process together to be able to both move on and heal as much as they can x

 

[giuliaplus2]

Thanks for your answer.
No he wasn't happy about it in that sense... but he wasn't really sad about it either. Well, he was VERY sad for my sister as he knew how much she wanted this baby so he felt really bad she was going through this... however I know he was - and he said he knows this sounds awful and he feels guilty for feeling this way - but it was a relief for him.. i know this, because he's a good friend of mine too and he told me himself. Of course he wouldn't tell her as it would have made her feel even worse knowing he was relieved at some point... and they hadn't really developed that 'bond' yet as they were mostly fighting about it... I guess it's difficult to form that relationship if one really doesn't want the child. And I don't think he really needs 'support' to get through this, as he is relieved once this is over. At some point he has already moved on as he has now has one less problem (I know it sounds awful, but that's basically how it is).

but, well, he is sad at some point even though it is because SHE is miserable not really because of the child... and if she wants him there and it helps her get through this then that's how it's going to be

 

[H16]

As someone who has had a miscarriage early into a relationship with someone that was also relieved when baby died I would just be surprised if deep down in his inner most private thoughts he did not feel at least a little sad and guilty for wishing the baby did not exist. From a personal point of view I think miscarriage is horrendous to go through either way. I think what he has said is not particularly nice but I also think he must privately feel something about the situation to want to be at the funeral etc and I don't buy that he would only be doing it for your sister but that is just my opinion from a personal experience view point and I could be wrong. Fair play to him if he wants to step up and support your sister though, I think it is a good thing x

 

[giuliaplus2]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that H16 Having to go through a miscarriage is so terrible, no words could describe it.
I think for people (including me) who love and want children this may be difficult to understand. I don't really understand it either and couldn't imagine someone not feeling sad about it, but people are different.. and I know how opposed he has always been to having children.. And I feel awful for even writing this and those are not even my words, before she miscarried he said (not to her of course!) that even though he would never want her to go through this, he was secretely somehow hoping the situation would "dissolve"...the way he said it was he would never wish for her to have a miscarriage, but he said it would somehow be for the better if there was no baby. He felt awful for saying this and I think that's the thing... he KNOWS it's awful to feel or think this way and he wishes he didn't, but he does... (at least that's how I understood it from what he told me). He said it isn't normal he doesn't feel anything about this baby, but he can't help it. It just triggers no emotions whatsoever in him... maybe it's because he wasn't the one pregnant, to him it was a tiny little blop on an ultrasound picture (which he also felt nothing about), but he didn't get the chance to build any relationship with it as he never felt it, didn't want it to begin with... I think if the baby had actually been born he would feel completely different about it, having it held in his arms etc.. that's the only way how I could somehow "understand" the situation... I mean I could be wrong, but I just think maybe that's the reason... if he had wanted it or if he had seen it I'm sure he would have felt something... but a few weeks arguing over something you REALLY don't want and wish never existed... I guess that's just not the best base for a relationship.. BUT he does feel guilty for feeling this way and he cares really well for my sister I must say... he's very sad she's miserable... and maybe it's good if he's there to show his support, I mean the last thing she needs now is to hear again that he doesn't care about the baby... so that could be another reason why she wants him there (just realised that while writing )

 

[H16]

Yeah you are probably right, she probably feels by him being there it means he is as upset as she is which would probably make it easier for her. As long as he would never tell her he is happy about it whilst at funeral or something vile like that I think it will be ok but from what you have said he sounds like a supportive friend trying to help her through it even though he is not upset about it so hopefully he will have some compassion during events. I hope your sister manages to pick herself up and carry on in time, it is a hard situation to go through and she will never forget it but it does make you a stronger person in the long run I think and when she eventually has a little baby of her own she will appreciate that child and love that child so much due to going through these horrible times first x

 

[giuliaplus2]

Thank you! I hope so too, maybe when he buries his own child he'll feel it too.
My sister actually asked us siblings today whether we would go with her too, without us asking her about it... we were going to ask her whether she wants us there tonight anyway, as the procedure is scheduled for tomorrow. So it will be him, my sisters, my brother, my mum and I. I know we'll all try our best to support her during this difficult and horrible day.
You're right, I'm sure she will love her child so much once she is going to be a mum. She already loved this baby so much even though she wasn't pregnant for long. I was so touched seeing my little sister talking to her belly and she was just glowing so much (unlike me, I was miserable the first few weeks, but not because I wasn't happy, but because my twins made me spend the entire day throwing up), so I know she would make an incredible mum. I really hope that this day will come for her soon - and this time preferably with the right guy and under the right circumstances.

 

[MrsS143]

Just be there for her regardless
If he sticks his foot in it for whatever reason you can't do anything about that

Just time and loving support is all that is needed xx

 

[CarinT]

Sad