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Absolutely devastated, ttc over for good

DubChick

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After hubby and my very lengthy discussion 2 months ago, after considering our lives, my age, literally everything for 4 years, we decided to go for it.

Last week we were on holiday and I just got a feeling.... I restarted taking my contraceptive pill last Thursday but didn't say anything to hubby. Tonight we've talked and half an hour ago we finished our discussion that my instinct was right, he's changed his mind about ttc. 2 months ago it was him pushing things, saying even with my age we should carry on regardless, even though I worried about risks and had set a time limit on things. He really wanted it and so we should carry on until it happened.

I feel incredibly foolish, beyond foolish, I feel like I've been used as a hobby that he fancied at the time but has changed his mind now. I'd come off the pill, was taking pregnancy vitamins, had spoken to the doctors about it, was using an app (without him knowing so there was no pressure) etc etc.

I'm beyond gutted. I thought we'd got over his worries, he told me he had and we had properly set the ball in motion.

I just don't know what to say, I'm so so gutted 😭😭😢😢

His "reasons" are mostly material, and because he had a bad experience before (got a friend with benefits pregnant).

Just don't know what to say.
 
Awwww darling, I am so sorry :hug:. I will give you my honest opinion: you did keep things from each other, both of you....this isn't good. A good relationship should be an open and honest one....if I was you I would like to sort this out first and then I would reconsider together the TTC. Men are a bit scared and they can't see the "romantic" side of a pregnancy but just the scary responsibilities that are coming with it. I will suggest a romantic weekend together where talk, talk, talk, talk......and decide what to do. Be honest to each other and things will get better and maybe you will be back to TTC soon. Talk! Talk! Talk!
 
I am sorry to hear this, how old are you by the way? have you got other children?
 
Yes, keep talking. Does he know what it means to you to have a baby? You can make plans for how to manage it materially. Material things are not the most important thing surely?! If you keep coming off and going back on the pill it could really mess your hormones and your body around. In terms of age these days lots of women have babies in their late 30s and early 40s.



I hope you can sort this out together.
 
The idea of having a child is so daunting but when you are in that position and actually have one it’s so much different than you would ever imagine. You should talk again, men do get worried about these things but if it’s important to you then you should say. You don’t want regrets for the rest of your life.
 
Thank you for your replies ladies.

I know I kept it from him that I'd restarted taking the pill again, but I did it because I 100% knew he didn't feel the same anymore. I was waiting for him to talk to me about it but he didn't. He only told me because I'd brought it up and told him I'd restarted because I had feelings that he was going back on what we'd agreed.

He has a 6 year old daughter to someone he wasn't in a relationship with at the time. Long story short he tried to "do the right thing" by moving her into his flat to forge a relationship. It was never going to work, and when the girl was 15 months old her mum left for the final time. I have 3 children to my previous husband, aged 16 (boy), almost 13 (girl) and 7 years (girl).

His bad experience with his daughter's mum has ruined his life (his words) and has subsequently ruined our chances of having a child together because he's so worried about our relationship changing, money etc (she's a penny millionaire, wants and buys all the latest clothes, toys every day but doesn't have the money and feeds her daughter crap food whereas I'm into spending TIME with the children, interacting with them myself rather than sticking them in front of a tv all day and sending them to their rooms with a new toy every day).

I know he will regret us not having a child together (he's adamant he does want one, but not enough to actually do anything about it because the worries that he told me 2 months ago he'd finally got over, have come back again), and I feel devastated that our whole future that I thought we were going to have won't exist now.

I have so much love to give, he does too, and he said my age "makes the decision worse" because if I was 30 we'd have longer to decide. That's true, but he knew that when he married me last year and he knew it the whole 4 years HE'S been talking about us having a child. He's talked about it so often yet I never truly believed him until we properly spoke about it in detail, seriously 2 months ago. Then, I finally believed him and feel so foolish and duped. I can't believe that such a massive decision that took him so long to make a "final" decision about has changed so quickly when nothing has happened to put doubts there.

I'm 41 in less than 2 weeks, very healthy, probably more so than hubby, I work every day term time etc. He's 31.5.

Sorry it's so long again, thank you for reading Xx
 
Thank you for your replies ladies.

I know I kept it from him that I'd restarted taking the pill again, but I did it because I 100% knew he didn't feel the same anymore. I was waiting for him to talk to me about it but he didn't. He only told me because I'd brought it up and told him I'd restarted because I had feelings that he was going back on what we'd agreed.

He has a 6 year old daughter to someone he wasn't in a relationship with at the time. Long story short he tried to "do the right thing" by moving her into his flat to forge a relationship. It was never going to work, and when the girl was 15 months old her mum left for the final time. I have 3 children to my previous husband, aged 16 (boy), almost 13 (girl) and 7 years (girl).

His bad experience with his daughter's mum has ruined his life (his words) and has subsequently ruined our chances of having a child together because he's so worried about our relationship changing, money etc (she's a penny millionaire, wants and buys all the latest clothes, toys every day but doesn't have the money and feeds her daughter crap food whereas I'm into spending TIME with the children, interacting with them myself rather than sticking them in front of a tv all day and sending them to their rooms with a new toy every day).

I know he will regret us not having a child together (he's adamant he does want one, but not enough to actually do anything about it because the worries that he told me 2 months ago he'd finally got over, have come back again), and I feel devastated that our whole future that I thought we were going to have won't exist now.

I have so much love to give, he does too, and he said my age "makes the decision worse" because if I was 30 we'd have longer to decide. That's true, but he knew that when he married me last year and he knew it the whole 4 years HE'S been talking about us having a child. He's talked about it so often yet I never truly believed him until we properly spoke about it in detail, seriously 2 months ago. Then, I finally believed him and feel so foolish and duped. I can't believe that such a massive decision that took him so long to make a "final" decision about has changed so quickly when nothing has happened to put doubts there.

I'm 41 in less than 2 weeks, very healthy, probably more so than hubby, I work every day term time etc. He's 31.5.

Sorry it's so long again, thank you for reading Xx
I been in the same exactly situation but after few month he came back to me and said he wants a child with me.....believe me, you aren't out but you have to be clever enough to let him thinking is not going to be the same of his ex or your ex, is you and him, new life, new parents and a baby that is part of you two , none else. I been in there and I know how awful is but my husband changed is mind and I was so sure he wouldn't xx
 
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Ps I am 37, nearly 38 and he is 42 with two kids each from previous marriages xx
 
I've tried to get him to see all of that. He has a wonderful relationship with my children, especially my youngest. His relationship with his own child is one of, he's the free babysitter who is never involved in any decision making, the bond has never been there and they both know it, so they have a "this is what I'm supposed to do, so I'll be a caricature of myself then it might look like we love each other" but it actually comes across very clearly as the fake relationship that it is. I'm heartbroken because I genuinely think it us having a child together would help heal a lot of his own childhood issues, and he would have the amazing unconditional bond with a child of his own that I have with my three children. I've tried to get him to believe that I am nothing like her mother and the experience would be nothing at all like it was with her. He says he knows it deep down, but it's overpowering the want to have a child with me.

I feel so sad that he will never get to experience the wonderfulness of being a proper parent that I have with my children. He'll never have that wonderful bond or experience those amazing times of having slim to skin with your baby. One of the things was that he was worried it would change our relationship and we may split up. I said I hadn't even contemplated that at all, because I love him so much we would obviously work through any issues or worries he had. He's been making comments to his family about us having a child for months, and he's talked about "when it happens" for years..... now it's a "never going to happen."

This is truly it for us, I'm just beyond gutted. Xx
 
Dub Chick, how about some therapy so he can sort out his issues?
 
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this DC, it's a hard enough time as it is even if you're both on the same page. It sounds like the possibility of it happening has triggered his anxieties and has lead to this moment. Like Sunflower has mentioned, it might be worth him talking to someone and seeing if he can't let some of these fears go. Your age really has nothing to do with anything because in this day and age women are becoming mum's later on in life, and medicine has advanced to help make that possible.

Fingers crossed for you lovely, I do hope you can both work through this regardless of the outcome x
 
I still convinced that he isn't convinced to don't have a child with you....maybe give him a bit of time and try again putting your point of view, your pain and your emotions and explain to him that this is very hard for you. Every relationship could end in any case, not just because you are having a baby. Try to reassure him with strong point on what he said and what you think. This worked for me and my husband. I don't think to offer a therapist would help as he will think you are pushing too much and will put even more pressure to him. He needs to process his anxiety with you as support. Good luck darling :clover: xx
 
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Thank you again ladies.

Hubby has said in the past that he doesn't think he's got any issues. He massively does, but won't accept it. He's been on an extremely low dose of anti anxiety tablets for a couple of years now, but about health anxiety, not general anxiety.

We've talked so many times about it over the years and he's always said he wants us to have a baby together, hates that we don't share blood etc, and I know he has massive issues around babies/parenting, so I know it took a long time and a lot of thought for him to make what he said was his final decision, and for us to actively start the process of trying. That's why I can't understand why it's been so easy to "change his mind" when it was such a massive thing to get his head round in the first place, but he did it at last. Crumble, I've tried so hard to show him that it would be the complete opposite to his previous experience of fatherhood. Even 3 family members have told him to stop being stupid and to have a baby with me as it would be wonderful. But those f**ing women have such a hold over him, it feels like he doesn't trust me enough to be certain that what I'm saying is true. It feels like he actually believes I AM like the mother of his daughter, which hurts so much.

I genuinely think this is it for us. I don't want to start trying when I'm 45, I wanted to start when we agreed, which was now. With having older children already, I didn't want them to be in their 20's when I finally gave them another sibling.

:wall2:
 

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