A difficult situation

[Anna456]

Hi all,
I have been seeing a guy for almost 9 months and as much as I wanted/want us to be an item he has always had a problem committing to me and calling me his girlfriend (even though he says he hasn't been with anyone else since being with me) and we have spent A LOT of time together, he practically lived with me for 2 months! Anyway last Friday I found out I was pregnant, it came as a huge shock, I have een told for the past 10 years that it will be difficult for me to conceive as I've got quite severe endometriosis and have had a cyst on my ovary and fibroids, when I found out he had just ended it with me (this happens every few months when I out my foot down and say I deserve more - it's like he freaks out and his knee jerk reaction is to just walk away - but so far always comes back) I told him later on that day that I was pregnant, I'll be six weeks this Sunday, we talked and he's said that he doesn't want me to have it, as he isn't ready, and he's unsure of his feelings for me. I have told him that yes albeit a not ideal situation that I am having this baby, termination for me is not an option, I feel so blessed to have even got pregnant, he knows my medical history and has said that I've proved the doctors wrong so therefore i'll be able to have a baby at another time in the future - again he seems to be missing the point that I WANT this baby! I asked him after we talked - is there a chance of us having this baby and us being a couple and he said yes. He has been away with work since last Saturday when we talked and we have talked everyday and it is sinking in for him but he still says that he doesn't think i'm doing the right thing. I'm meeting him today to talk things over - I'm terrified as I do want to be with him, I have prepared myself for possibly being a single mum, but I don't want to be and I do think there is a future for him and I, but I cant make him be with me. My family and the couple of friends I have told have been incredibly supportive and are delighted I'm pregnant as they know how much I want a baby, just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation or knows someone who has or who has any advice!
x

 

[littlesmoosh]

hey!
not in the same situation but didnt wanna read n run.
firstly... CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
so happy for you that youve beaten your odds.

i think men are different from women, some men dont really bond with the baby during pregnancy you know? but when he sees his baby either at scan or in person im sure he will swell up with love and pride. so from that angle i wouldnt worry.

howeer, when it comes to your relationship with him your right. you do deserve more. and with a baby in the picture you need full commitment or nothing at all. because all this coming and going will confuse a baby! i know your probably scared that if you give him the ultinatum that he might choose not to be withyou, but i think you needa do it. tell him its all or nothing. its time for him to step up and be a man.
its been 9 months since you started seein each other and by this time he must have an idea of his feelings for you. ask him if he loves you, if he does great, tell him to commit. and if the answer is no (im sorry if it is) then walk away and just be friends. you and your baby dont need the confusion.
if he says he 'doesnt know' then thats bullshit. you know when your in love, it consumes you.
he needs to have respect for you and i think that you standing your ground once and for all is the key.

xx

 

[ABC237]

Congratulations first of all!!!

This man who you are with sounds like he needs to take some responsibility for his actions! He has no right to say he isn't ready to commit to his baby because if he wasn't he shouldn't have entered into a relationship with you! If he can't be there for you 100% and full time then you deserve way more and so does your baby. When you speak to him you need to tell him this because you need someone who isn't going to walk in and out of your lives whenever it pleases him! You never know though, he might surprise you. I expect it was a shock for both of you.

The fantastic thing is that it sounds like you will have support from your friends and family, whatever happens so you will be okay and it will work out in the end. I know that's easy for me to say now...

I really hope things work out how you want them to xx

 

[Franna75]

Hi Anna, it sounds similar to my situation, although i don't have the medical issues and my other half was aware that I wanted a baby and was trying to get pregnant, but his reaction was very similar when I did. He'd said "if it happens it happens" but I don't think he expected it to happen first month.

Anyway, i've been to hell and back trying to persuade him that we should be in a relationship and we have tried but unfortunately failed. He tried to make me have an A at 18 weeks, even after we'd seen the scan of my gorgeous son twice, but I stood up to him. We stayed together until six weeks after my son was born then he left (we were living in different countries, but that's a long story). Anyway, last xmas when T was three months old, i gave him another chance (although found out he was two timing me). We ended up exclusive, he moved to this country a couple of months ago, we signed a lease togehter on a flat, i went back to work (he was doing the childcare); all of my dreams had come true and I was on cloud nine....he left a month later.

Every relationship is different and every man's reaction to being a father is different, so who knows if your FOB will be the same as mine. But one thing I will say, is even though i've been through massive heartache, having my baby is the best thing in the world. My boy is now 15 months old - i'm still at work full time, my friends and family have been so supportive and I luckily have a great daycare centre opposite and my parents travel 200 miles, three times a month for a couple of days each time to look after him.

I now realise that the bloke just didn't want to be with me, he didn't really want the responsibilty of being a father (at 42) or a relationship. He's off enjoying himself. He hasn't seen his son for three months or asked how he is or spoken to me. He sends some money and i've just received a load of xmas presents. I'm a bit angry still but I love my life and my son, and FOB is the loser in all this.

GOd knows how i'm going to deal with the situation in a few years time and if he lets my son down (which he inevitably will) but i've just got to be strong.

Massive congratulations, keep strong, you have a wonderful life growing inside you. PM me if you want to talk on anything xx

 

[lucrezaborgia]

He could stick around, maybe he won't. Some people take a while to warm up to a pregnancy. Some people just never feel it. How OK are you with being a single mom and doing a pregnancy without him?

 

[Andreabrad]

My honest opinion - he isn't worth it obviously and won't stick around. Even if he does it won't be for long.

Your better off without him.

Sorry if I am being blunt. Seen this before to a close mate xxx

 

[Hunnie]

I'm going to agree with the above and I think if he doesn't realise how lucky he is to have someone who wants to be with him and a baby on the way then he isn't worth your love and there are plenty of people that would love to be in the scenario that he is in!!!

 

[redbear]

I want to get my point across without sounding like a complete bitch so here go's,
It sounds to me like he thought of you as a fling, from what i have seen when a bloke refuses to call you his girlfriend its not commitment issues its so if he ever decides to walk away or cheat he can turn around and say you where never even in a relationship and it was just sex. Its a way of been guilt free when he lives the single life but comes back to you for the company. Ok im sounding horrible but none of this is your fault, men like that are very manipulative and probably do have real feelings for you but there selfishness stands in the way.
There is no easy way to do this but you need to show him you can and will not be picked up and dropped when he wants, he can grow up and stand by you and your baby or he can bugger off and see the baby but not you (in a relationship) or if he really is set against the baby he see's none of you and you do it alone (which can be easier and less stressful in the long run)
The sad thing is some men will never bond with there child thats why there are so many who can walk away and never see them again, just please dont rely on him to be suddenly overcome with loving the baby it might happen but it might not.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, you and this baby are the most important right now, you shouldn't have extra stress piled on top. Talk to your friends and family who sound lovely and let them help you, Best of luck i hope he bucks up for you.

 

[Daisy2011]

Congratulations! Its wonderful to beat the odds and be able to move forwards.
So sorry to hear that your - im not your boyfreind- is so incapable of caring and in fact wants you to get rid of your baby. Use the time away from him to think through what you want.

Thing is it doesnt sound good and you probably wouldnt be seeking advice if it wasnt worrying you deeply, dont rely on him at all. Of course let him be a father if he makes the running to be one but dont try to force him to love you and the child if he doesnt becuase he will hurt you both. You can be the mother you hope to me , thousands of women do this every day and in fact its a rare and beautiful thing if dad takes on even 50% of the parenting.

You can do it and you deserve to have a man who supports you and loves you and does everything to make your lives together safe and warm. If your non boyfreind doesnt meet the standard then hold out for someone who can becuase you deserve better. Its better to be by yourself and calm and happy than with someone who makes you anxious and unhappy and who doesnt want your child to be born.

Good luck with getting through everything. We will be here every step of the way and there are lots of us to chat to.
x Daisy

 

[cassiek25]

Hey, I'm in the same situation too. My partner and I were trying for a baby but unfortunately I had four miscarriages which naturally caused us to have a difficult time. Now I am
Pregnant again and this one seems to be going ok and he has just freaked out and disappeared, he's told me he dosent want to be with me, said what we used to have has gone and he dosent want this baby. I now feel so devastated and I'm gutted because this is my first pregnancy that seems to be going well I should be happy but after what he said I just can't be. Abortion is not an option, I just don't think I could bare it after all the upset with losing my previous four how could I choose to terminate this pregnancy. Now I'm just worrying about everything sooo much. Our relationship has been very up and down but I always thought we would be ok and thought we at least loved each other. Now I know it's over for good. Why do men do this? The thing is I know if I was not pregnant he would still be seeing me.

 

[Franna75]

Because half of them are selfish *******s! Sorry to hear about your situation, how very heartless of him, you are better off without him, you will be fine on your own and he can get lost and grow up! Congratulations btw, how fantastic for you. It does get easier, I assure you.

Mine has come crawling back again recently, he did the same last year when my LO was three months old and caused me months of pain. I now have to make the difficult decision on whether I want him back, just so he can do it again in nine months, I don't think so. He can break my heart again, but not my sons.

Sorry, going off OT. Keep strong to all girlies out there who are being messed around x

 

[umbongo]

Anna456. Congratulations firstly.
Secondly. I think you need some time to yourself. Tell him you want a break and that he can have some time to decide what he wants. Explain you're going to bring up the baby with or without him. Hopefully without you he'll realise he loves you, if not then at least you know. Men don't always know what they want and the baby probably isn't part of his plan. If what you have is real it'll work out, if not then you're better off without him.
Good luck
Xx