33 weeks pregnant. Recently single

[Sabrina123]

Hi all,

Would like some advice as don't know what to do with myself at the moment.

I recently separated with my boyfriend of 2 years.

We only moved out of our parents house and into our own lovely 3 bedroom home about 5 weeks ago.

The tenancy agreement is 12 months and he has left me 7 months pregnant on my own with all the bills.

We broke up because the last few months he has become very distant, he will finish work and all evening be on his mobile doing god knows what up until bedtime and then he will have his back to me to go to sleep. He is very snappy at me and makes me cry regularly. He calls me lazy and says I slouch around! But I work 9-5 and am so tired when I get home, I don't fancy running around especially with a big bump. He doesn't understand how drained I am. I recently confronted him about the fact I feel unloved and lonely and he jumped down my back saying Im an attention seeker, miserable and to leave him. Thats all he says recently is to leave.

On top of all of this, I recently found out he has a major gambling addiction and has the baliffs after him because of unpaid debt. I went to see his family and they said they have sorted it for him. I managed to get into his private email and found he is joining loads of betting sites and has recently applied for several loans! I have paid for all the bills with my savings that where for our daughter.

Im finding it very difficult to eat and cannot stop crying.

Worried about where I will live now. Baby will be here in around 7weeks!

I love him more than I thought I could ever love as he can be so lovely, but don't know what to do. I hate the thought of being a single parent but feel he is in deep trouble and has become too distant with me.

 

[summer15]

Hi Sabrina, so sorry for your situation. I understand you love him but as a complete stranger and objective person reading this, he seems an extremely negative and bad influence (to put it politely) particularly at this time of your life. Obviously he has a gambling addiction and he needs help, he is obviously in debt and feels pressure but his attitude towards you and his complete abandonment of you and his unborn child is pretty unredeemable in my eyes.
Do you have any friends/family close by that can help you (emotionally if not financially) it's very sad and unhealthy that you should have this much stress so late in your pregnancy.
Are all the bills/rent in your name only??
Have you had a health visitor appointment yet? They may have some advice re: financial / housing situation
Xxx

 

[H16]

I know you love him and it is difficult but unless he comes to his senses and realises how important you and his unborn child are to him then he is not worth having around. Maybe a bit of distance will make him realise he is being a tool? If he doesn't come back to you and apologise for being a total bellend and get help with his gambling problem I am afraid I wouldn't go running after him.

In terms of finances, if you stay single and you can't work it out you will be entitled to help in the form of benefits/council tax reduction/housing benefit etc so you will get help. You can always enquire at the job centre as to what you are entitled to tax credit wise etc now and then cancel any claim if you get back together. You don't need stress of wondering where money is going to come from to pay bills etc.

Hope you get the resolution you want hun but he needs to start speaking to you nicely either way, you are the mother of his unborn child and he is not showing you any respect right now x

 

[KHTW]

I am sorry that you have to through all this when really you should be enjoying your pregnancy and getting ready for the arrival of your baby x

Your partner sounds very irresponsible. I can't imagine how he can justify leaving you being 33 weeks pregnant! He certainly doesn't deserve your tears! Unless he comes to his senses, I would say you will be much better of without him...

Can you move back with your parent for a while until you get the situation under control?

 

[violet13]

I can't believe he's done this to you just before you're due to give birth! I'd speak to the owner of the tenancy agreement and talk to your family see if you can go home Hun, you need the support and sadly I agree with the other ladies he's just not worth it if this is what he's going to do to you. As for his gambling and baliffs....you so do not need that with a baby on the way. Sending lots of love and hugs Hun xxxx

 

[WishingHoping]

I am going to approach it from a different angle : yes what he is doing to you is wrong, yes he isn't being affectionate or understanding & I cannot even begin to imagine how at your wits end you must be BUT lets just flip it on its head here & shoot me down if this is not what you want to hear.

You said your self he has an ADDICTION to gambling. Now everyone knows or has an idea of how bad an addiction can be. Whether it be work, chocolate, shopping, sleeping, peeing on hundreds of pregnancy tests, smoking, drinking, drugs.. whatever it may be we understand what it can be like. I really think he isn't doing this on purpose. He sounds very very down & very very scared. He is up all night on his phone trying to win the money back he has probably lost, trying to take loans out to cover the mess he has made so his family didn't need to know or help him. He probably feels like absolute sh!tbags. Now I am not defending his attitude towards you AT ALL I am simply seeing it from the outside & that leaving him (although be it his words to do so) probably isn't what EITHER of you want or need right now. He probably thinks "well everything else is shit so why not just leave".. You both need to have a long long chat & be honest with eachother. Ask him how much money he owes & to who. Get him to show you his betting companies & loan agreements & work out what exactly he owes. He may be reluctant to talk about it at first but the first step in addiction is admitting there is a problem. Gambling addiction can be so bad sometimes & I have seen it ruin relationships many times.. I have even sadly known someone to end their life because they saw no other way out. He lost his job, his car, his home, his family & he had no money so he saw no point in his life. I am sure no one would ever want that to happen to your partner & as frustrating as it must be for you at this stage in your pregnancy you either need to make the choice of coming together & getting through this or by pointing him in the direction of the correct help & supporting him as a friend.

You are a very brave lady for what you have already done & I am sure you are exhausted but if you love this man (like you say you do) then you need to get hold of him & really tell him what he is going to have to do. It will hurt his pride & he will probably get very emotional but if you try you will get through this.. together as a family xx

 

[theshipscat]

I am going to approach it from a different angle : yes what he is doing to you is wrong, yes he isn't being affectionate or understanding & I cannot even begin to imagine how at your wits end you must be BUT lets just flip it on its head here & shoot me down if this is not what you want to hear.

You said your self he has an ADDICTION to gambling. Now everyone knows or has an idea of how bad an addiction can be. Whether it be work, chocolate, shopping, sleeping, peeing on hundreds of pregnancy tests, smoking, drinking, drugs.. whatever it may be we understand what it can be like. I really think he isn't doing this on purpose. He sounds very very down & very very scared. He is up all night on his phone trying to win the money back he has probably lost, trying to take loans out to cover the mess he has made so his family didn't need to know or help him. He probably feels like absolute sh!tbags. Now I am not defending his attitude towards you AT ALL I am simply seeing it from the outside & that leaving him (although be it his words to do so) probably isn't what EITHER of you want or need right now. He probably thinks "well everything else is shit so why not just leave".. You both need to have a long long chat & be honest with eachother. Ask him how much money he owes & to who. Get him to show you his betting companies & loan agreements & work out what exactly he owes. He may be reluctant to talk about it at first but the first step in addiction is admitting there is a problem. Gambling addiction can be so bad sometimes & I have seen it ruin relationships many times.. I have even sadly known someone to end their life because they saw no other way out. He lost his job, his car, his home, his family & he had no money so he saw no point in his life. I am sure no one would ever want that to happen to your partner & as frustrating as it must be for you at this stage in your pregnancy you either need to make the choice of coming together & getting through this or by pointing him in the direction of the correct help.

You are a very brave lady for what you have already done & I am sure you are exhausted but if you love this man (like you say you do) then you need to get hold of him & really tell him what he is going to have to do. It will hurt his pride & he will probably get very emotional but if you try you will get through this.. together as a family xx

I second this. Having been through something similar and come out of the other side I would agree that while it doesn't excuse his actions it sounds like your partner has a serious addiction. Talking to him and asking for complete honesty would be really good. Ultimately it is up to him whether he faces up to it and moves forward though. Hang in there lovely. Xx

 

[Sabrina123]

Hi Ladies,

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Made me well up.

I have never posted on a forum before but as I don't have many friends I thought I would see what an outsiders opinion was. It has helped and made me feel that bit more positive.

With his gambling, I did manage to get him to admit he had a problem after lots of patience and careful wording, and felt like it might be getting somewhere if he admits to it all but then he shut off completely and walked out on me. He is back at his mums and she seems to be brainwashing him into thinking he doesn't have a problem so he is believing her now and gone back to ''I don't have an addition'' again. All of my hardwork gone to waste.

All the bills are in my name. I am so stupid for doing it. He kept saying he would set up a standing order so everything was split but I haven't had anything from him. If I have no money, I know it is not the end of the world as long as my daughter and I are healthy and safe that is the most important thing now.

I rang Citizens Advise and they said the law has changed and I could only get the equivalent of a 1 bedroom shared accommodation in housing benefit towards the rent. Cannot afford it even after that but my mum has offered me a place back over there. Its not what I wanted as I loved the idea of mum, dad and baby living happily in a house but it will be nice to have the support from my mum.
I suffer with panic attacks and have been physically sick through the severity of them! Seeing my Midwife tomorrow so will explain the situation.

Currently at work and I check my phone every 10mins to see if he has been in contact, but nothing. I am so hurt that he can just forget about me. I hope the saying goes ''distance makes the heart grow fonder''.

Thank you all so much again. Sabrina xxxx

 

[violet13]

I really hope it all works out for you Hun keep us all updated xxxx

 

[mylullaby]

Sorry to hear you're in such a shit situation and sorry for the brief reply but I'm out and about and posting in between doing other bits and bobs. Just wanted to say that if you contact your landlord and explain the situation you might be able to negotiate a shorter tenancy agreement - most would rather let you terminate early if the alternative is unpaid rent for them to worry about! See if you can pay for a few months so as not to leave them in the lurch but explain that 12 months is going to be impossible so you'll need to come to a new agreement and allow them to find new tenants. xxx

 

[theshipscat]

Keep us updated lovely and we are here if we need you. It might not be what you want to think right now but I believe things happen for a reason and you will either end up back together and stronger than ever or you will eventually meet someone else and be even happier. Xxx

 

[Sharmon]

I would urge you to think long & hard before getting back with your other half. You obviously have support from your parents which I would take, as you can never have too much support. Your other half has an addiction & unless he & his family admit it to themselves he will not get any better & will continue the cycle of getting bailed out by family & friends & then getting into serious debt again, using gambling as a crutch (this is what addiction is) whenever he is stressed or needs a release etc... I've seen reformed gamblers reoffend again & again stooping so low as to steal communion money from a child. It's such a huge thing to take on a person with an addiction, when you have no other dependants but you now have to think of your little one too. I have personal experience of being engaged to a gambler & it's not an easy life! They really need professional help & unless they want to seek that themselves there is very little can be done! I urge you to put welfare of yourself & your baby first & encourage your partner to seek professional help. So sorry your having such a horrible time, but at least you know what problem is now & you can work towards getting help. It's a very selfish addiction so you have to be selfish & think of yourself & your baby as unfortunately when gambling, gamblers can only think of how/when next big win might come, not of the people they are upsetting or letting down. Virtual Hugs xxx