Your Favorite Comedy Quotes

[Urchin]

Not to be confused with our *Quote of the Day" thread

Some Eddie Izzard for ya

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third

The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it?

We have toasters in this country...and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!

Peter Kay's Universal Truths


1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

[Kimbo]

i LOVE peter kay!!!
love lee evans too

Lee Evans: Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong fucking house!

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I said to my wife 'If I ever get like that ya know mumbling to myself and sh*tting my pants shoot me' she said 'f*cking run monkey boy'

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Oy haven't old people got big ears?

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God old people on coaches! F*ck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!

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All blokes get to that stage when they get bigger than their dad, like fourteen/fifteen, and he can't hit you no more. And he's like 'go to your room!', and your like
[high pitched]
"Nah! Fucking nah dad!
[imitates smoking]
things are gonna change around 'ere." Now he didn't hit me, but it took a team of surgeons to remove that fag from my arse.

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Lee Evans: My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

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Lee Evans: We used to do stuff, we were nuts. Like lick a battery. What the fuck was that? You used to be like, "John! John! Watch!"
[imitates licking a battery, then he jits]
"Fuck, you just had a stroke", "I know!", "Do it again!", "I was gonna!"

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Lee Evans: The Great British seagulls, they are fucking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, fucking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"

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Lee Evans: At school they made you do stuff, like swim in your pyjamas, what the hell point was that? You'll be asleep. Someone comes up to you and goes, "Somebody's drowning!". You'll be like, "I don't give a fuck. I was havin' a lovely dream."

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Lee Evans: I actually spent four days in my hotel room 'cause I closed the door and there was a sign on the door saying "Do Not Disturb" and I thought, "Fuck I can't get out!"... In my cupboard was a blanket and a pillow, that was the worst night's sleep I've ever fucking had... and the Corby trouser press, don't it hurt your legs!

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Lee Evans: I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

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Lee Evans: [on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"

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Lee Evans: This bloke... I swear he's in any supermarket car park, he's great. He walks across the car park and he's got one of those fobs and he opens his car before he gets there.
[posh voice]
"Ha ha ha! I don't know if you saw what I just did there, but I actually opened my car door before I actually physically got there!" TWAT!

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Lee Evans: Old people can't fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, "Nan! Nan!" They go, "What? What?" "Oh sorry we thought you'd just di..."
[looks sheepish]

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Lee Evans: Getting lost is the worst thing in the world, especially if you're with your wife. That's the nightmare. If you get lost with your wife you know it's gonna be a nightmare. Because you know when you hand your wife the map and you except her to turn into the Lombard rally with the helmet and goggles going, "Go! Go! Go! Left, right, straight ahead!" But they don't, you hand your wife the map and she'll go, "Where are we now?" "That's why I gave you the fucking map!" "All right, all right! You got us lost! Christopher fucking Columbus!" They then go, "Oh look, they have a Woolworths!" You fucking...

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Lee Evans: You'll say to my goldfish, "Sleep!" and it'll go, "I CAN'T! I'VE GOT NO FUCKING EYELIDS! I'M KNACKERED!"

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Lee Evans: I had a long sleep, fuck it I deserve a nap.

 

[Kimbo]

some from 2 pints...

We got our women pregnant at the same time. We've got telepathic testicles

I'm making take-away for tea

You're not thick. You've got GCSEs. Admittedly only in Home Economics and P.E. but you know, one day somebody might want someone who can bake and do sit-ups at the same time."

Don't you know how much babies cost? More than a Peugeot

I am a connoisseur of bedroom oopsies. You were one yourself, you know. If I'd gone to the doctors instead of Magaluf you wouldn't be hear now."

"Please don't argue with me. My brain's only just about capable of stopping me farting in front of you."

Who invented the pie? I mean, what a genius, you know, 'cos you've got the subtle flavours of the steak matched with texture of the finest kidney and all that against the magnificent backdrop of the crumbling buttery pasty. You know, if that man was here now I'd shake his hand."

 

[Kimbo]

17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad

i remember doing that!! i had my hand up and was shouting "daaaad" for ages cos i needed the teacher!!

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

that's true! where do they come from???

 

[SarahH]

I luuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeee Eddie Izzard.... Ihave seen him live so many times and I am almost close to peeing myself with laughter.

These are some of my favs of his

“I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.”

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”

“Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can
swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be
banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.
That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in
the distance.”

“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!”

“You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.”

“'PiAno,piAno' It's not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt...you weird talking person.”

“Twang him into a tree!”

I could go on and on and on with the izzard man (anyone else think he is hot - even in his corset )

 

[SarahH]

ooooh oooh oooooh and when he does the cat drilling behind the sofa sketch or

"Hello we're the Roman"

in all the funny accents!!

 

[Tangerinedream]

Those Peter Kay quotes made me LOL

Here is my favorite Chris Roc quote

I think we need some bullet control. I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars for a bullet. Know why? Cos if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, there'd be no more innocent by-standers. That'd be it. Some guy'd be shot you'd be all 'Damn, he must've done something, he's got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass!' And people'd think before they shot someone 'Man I will blow your fucking head off, if I could afford it. I'm gonna get me a second job, start saving up, and you a dead man. You'd better hope I don't get no bullets on lay-away!' And even if you get shot you wouldn't need to go to the emergency room. Whoever shot you'd take their bullet back. 'I believe you got my property?'

 

[emma28]

My fave comedy quote atm is from the disney film cars. Jonah watches it over and over and its......"I'm in hill billy hell"

Makes me think of home so much

 

[Squiglet]

Its the truth about cats and dogs that I love with Eddie Izzard...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zn7A0Ztv ... re=related

(SarahH this is the one with the drilling behind the sofa bit)

Also True true true.... except for the lies...

Or when Stewie on Family Guy says to Meg...

"Somewhere in an attic theres a picture of you getting prettier... !"

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

This has to be my favorite comedy moment, the great troll that is Bill Bailey and his Argos speech

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmpw5wwEHlY

Has me crying every time [/url]

 

[Melanie]

Some of my Favourites,

Bill Bailey -
"It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still."
"Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism."
" I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they"

Billy Connolly
"Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on. "
"What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser! "
"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit"
"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time? "

and from the funniest film ever
WithNail and I
• We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here, and we want them now.

• I feel like a pig shat in my head.

• I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze.

• I want something's flesh.

• Don't threaten me with a dead fish.

• I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head.

• I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it's murder.

• Look at that. "Accident Blackspot"? These aren't accidents. They're throwing themselves into the road gladly. Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness.

• Warm up? We may as well sit round this cigarette. This is ridiculous. We'll be found dead in here next spring.

• What happened to my cigar commercial? What happened to my agent? ******* must have died.

• We've gone on holiday by mistake.

• These are the sort of windows faces look in at.

• Right, here's the plan. First, we go in there and get wrecked, then we eat a pork pie, then we drop a couple of Surmontil-50's each, means we'll miss out on Monday and come up smiling Tuesday morning.

• This place has become impossible. Nothing to eat, freezing cold and now a madman on the prowl outside with eels.

• If I ever see that silage-heap hanging about up here, I'll take the ******* axe to him. *******s!

• Throw yourself into the road, darling - you haven't got a chance.

• I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.

• I must say, that represents a level of hypocrisy in you that I'd previously suspected, but not noticed due to your highly evasive skills.

• Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good looking. I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent that half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?