A laughter thread to help us go into labour!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Urchin, Nov 18, 2005.

  1. Urchin

    Urchin Well-Known Member

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    Lets make a thread with jokes and funny photos etc to make us laugh our way into labour!

    I'll go first:

    Peter Kay's -- Words of Wisdom...


    1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

    2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

    3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
    your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

    4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

    5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
    a calculator.

    6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

    7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

    8 ) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
    a fire in your back garden.

    10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

    11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

    13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

    14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

    15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

    16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

    17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call
    your teacher mum or dad.

    18 ) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
    the first given opportunity.

    19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

    20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half
    way through and then raced against the flush.

    21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

    22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

    23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

    24) You never ever run out of salt.

    25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

    26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

    27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
    got your hand or head stuck in something.

    28 ) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

    29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
    their arm broken by a swan.

    30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
    on an upturned plug.

    31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

    32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
    wood specifically to stir paint with.

    33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

    34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

    35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.


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  2. Guest

    Hahahaha PMSL!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  3. beanie

    beanie Well-Known Member

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    I love the universal truths, there is always one that really stands out, I can remember when a dog ran into my school and I had an uncle that stole my nose. Thanks for cheering me up :D
     
  4. *sam*

    *sam* Well-Known Member

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    These are great, thanks! love Peter Kay! :lol: :lol: :lol:
    I remember a dog running into school and also a bird got in through the window while assembly was on..... Hilairious! Oh the panick! :lol:
     
  5. Urchin

    Urchin Well-Known Member

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    Here's a load of funny baby sayings:

    "People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources--all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry." -- Paul Reiser, Babyhood

    "Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit." -- Bill Cosby

    "Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes." Joyce Armor

    "If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" - Milton Berle

    "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." -- Phyllis Diller

    "Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain." -Martin Mull.

    "Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while" - Unknown

    "I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you." -Gallagher

    "Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - Ed Asner

    "People who say they sleep like babies usually don't have them". - Leo J. Burke

    "I was cesarean born. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through a window" -- Steven Wright

    "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories." - John Wilmot

    "First you have to teach a child to talk, then you have to teach it to be quiet." - Prochnow

    "A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." - Russell Lynes

    "Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." - Peter Ustinov

    "When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen

    "Father asked us what was God's noblest work. Anna said men, but I said babies. Men are often bad; babies never are." - Louisa May Alcott

    "It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins." - Chinese Proverb

    "A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end a no responsibility at the other." - Ronald Reagan

    "A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's in trouble." - Dennis Fakes

    "Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky." - Fran Lebowitz

    "A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." -Bill Vaughan

    "Children are supposed to help hold a marriage together. They do this in a number of ways. For instance, they demand so much attention that a husband and wife, concentrating on their children, fail to notice each other's faults." - Richard Armour

    "If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma." - Theresa Bloomingdale

    "No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant." -Amy Leslie

    "If men bore children, there would only be one born in each family."

    "You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." - Franklin P. Jones

    "Families with babies and families without are so sorry for each other." - Ed Howe

    "Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head." - Carol Burnett

    "My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash." -Joan Rivers

    "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." - Phyllis Diller

    "Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with half a dozen lions - everyone but a school bus driver." - Unknown

    "Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

    "Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective." - P. J. O'Rourke

    "Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to the country and to mankind is to bring up a family." - George Bernard Shaw

    "There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." - Dr. Who

    "Invest in the future; have a child and teach her well." - Unknown

    "The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children." - Edward, Duke of Windsor

    "Little children are still the symbol of the eternal marriage between love and duty." - George Eliot Romola

    "I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it." - Harry S. Truman

    "A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother." - Mark Twain

    "Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." - James Baldwin

    "We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it." - Harold Hulbert

    "It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." - Frederick Douglas

    "A mother's children are portraits of herself." - Author unknown

    "Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved." - Mark Twain

    "There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of their tires." - Dorothy Parker

    "Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home." - Bill Cosby

    "You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going." - P.J. O'Rourke
     
  6. emma1976

    emma1976 Well-Known Member

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    Haha, I used to type Boobless into my calculator!! and always manage to synchronise going to the toilets with some strange bloke!!!!!

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     

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