What would you do?

[Triggs123]

Hi all

I am currently 18 weeks pregnant and my husband of 11 years has left me....with me pregnant and with his two other children. He has no interest in this baby stating it’s a “problem” however he will help me out with “this” (not our) baby. My question to all of you is would you let such a person attend a second scan to see a baby he does not want or care for?
I am currently an emotional mess with doctors now highlighting me as a critical case so I imagine I will have social services knocking at my door either any day now or after the birth. I also need a third c section so am worried about this as I know I’ll have to go in in my own - do they let you go into surgery on your own?
It’s pretty tough being an only child with a father who is terminally ill with cancer so I have no support what’s so ever from family (my mum is fragile and wouldn’t deal with this all). I have no close friends and I’m pretty certain no other friends I have would come into an operating theatre with me.

Never thought the beginning of 2018 would be like this.......

 

[millielaura]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you
I would still let him come to the scan if he wanted yes.
Have you had any counselling to help you get through this? It must be so hard to have the added worry about the section. Wish I could help. Hopefully some ladies who have been in a similar situation are around give you some better advice xxx

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[Triggs123]

Thank you. It’s been very difficult. I have seen counsellors but now have been transferred to a physiologist. The counsellors weren’t working, I just couldn’t cry or get any emotions out, I suppose I’m still numb from it all.
It’s carry to think you have everything, a beautiful house, healthy kids and you think a husband that cares and all of sudden he’s had enough...I must have been such an awful wife.

 

[Elven]

I'm so sorry to hear this, what an awful situation to be. xx Do you think he may feel overwhelmed at the moment and may change his mind? In regards to the scan, it completely depends on what you feel comfortable with. Do you actually want him there? If you don't, you shouldn't feel forced to invite him given the situation he's put you in.

Ask them about the surgery situation at your next appointment, I imagine they will be happy for you to go in on your own. Keep us updated please, at least we can be your support network as much as possible.

 

[millielaura]

You weren't an awful wife at all I bet! He was the one who left, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. Sending loads of hugs xxc

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[Donna88]

So sorry to hear you are going through this

If he wants to go to the scan I wouldn't stop him, he may want to be more supportive in the future. As for your surgery I'm sure they will let you go in on your own; but speak to them.

Don't feel like you have done anything wrong, he's the one who's left. Just try and look after yourself.

 

[GBLiz]

So sorry you have been abandoned at the worst time. I think you should only let him at the scan if you feel comfortable and WANT him there.

I dont think you need to worry about social services. I was a complete mess when i fell pregnant last time and was seeing the GP for severe PTSD also due to relationship crisis. Her face dropped when I said i was pregnant.....and she arranged a team around me in the expectation I was not going to cope, not going to bond with the baby etc, I was also seeing psychologists for trauma. It did make me feel pretty rubbish that so many people were involved and expecting everything to be a disaster, but at the same time it showed they were taking my mental state seriously and at no point did i feel they were there to take the baby from me, but to make sure I was as supported as possible. I'm not even sure what department the lady was from who visited me regularly during my pregnancy but i think it was NHS child health services rather than social services .As it turned out, I did bond and I was fine. And the lady who visited me also noticed my elder daughters trauma and pushed through her referral for emotional help which had previously been turned down. So its not always bad to have these people around and involved.

 

[Triggs123]

Thank you so much. I’m so worried that someone is going to take my daughters and baby away from me when I haven’t really anyone else. I love my baby dearly and am trying to be calm as possible having reflexology and massages when I can. It’s nice to see some people care xx Thank you ladies

 

[MrsWilson]

Hi I’m going through something similar. My husband and I tried for a baby for 6 years, after getting ovarian cancer in May I had the tumer cut out and thankfully didn’t need chemo, we finally got pregnant and 12 weeks later he’s gone. He got a flat and is living his life. He said he will be there and is interested in the pregnancy just not me anymore. I know how you feel and I would suggest seeing a counsellor or your gp. I have my first counselling appointment tomorrow.

Let him come to the scan if you want him there, if he wants to come then he is interested in the baby and that’s what you want. If he didn’t want to know about the baby that would be worse because he really wouldn’t be interested.

What I’ve found is that if I allow myself to cry I get it out for a few minutes and then I pull my big girl pants on and get on with it. I’m also exercising again and it really does lift your mood.

Thinking of you xxx

 

[_GG_]

My goodness Triggs, this is awful. Where in the country are you? Maybe someone here will be close enough to be able to be a support to you?

 

[Triggs123]

I’m so sorry Mrs Wilson x It’s extremely difficult as you think you know your partner and then something clicks inside them and it’s like they want to get out of the situation. I’ve seen counsellors but not really working so I have been having reflexology and that’s helped tremendously and also seeing a psychologist in which a doctor referred me to. After nearly 3 weeks I have felt a little more brave to tell a friend or two to ease my concerns. I take each day as it comes and each day does seem to be easier than the last although sometimes I’ll just have a cry but the midwife said I need to try to be calm as the hormones may affect the baby (I had hormones before all this happened so I imagine you get different types?!). I’m in Essex but I’m not one to talk about this I find typing it out is so much easier than talking

 

[_GG_]

I’m so sorry Mrs Wilson x It’s extremely difficult as you think you know your partner and then something clicks inside them and it’s like they want to get out of the situation. I’ve seen counsellors but not really working so I have been having reflexology and that’s helped tremendously and also seeing a psychologist in which a doctor referred me to. After nearly 3 weeks I have felt a little more brave to tell a friend or two to ease my concerns. I take each day as it comes and each day does seem to be easier than the last although sometimes I’ll just have a cry but the midwife said I need to try to be calm as the hormones may affect the baby (I had hormones before all this happened so I imagine you get different types?!). I’m in Essex but I’m not one to talk about this I find typing it out is so much easier than talking

I totally get that...but there will be mummy groups local to you that might well be a huge huge help. Even if you only chat online, forming a bond with people who are actually local, that could, if needed, actually be there in person for you, could be really useful.

I'm glad your seeing a psychologist...I have in the past and it us so very good for you.

Are you having any contact with your husband? Have you had any answers?

 

[HS1985]

Triggs, Mrs Wilson, I have nothing useful to say as I have no idea what could help in these truly tough times for you but I wanted to send my love and support. You are both doing amazingly just to be talking about these things. I really hope that 2018 massively upturns for you both and you get the happiness you both deserve. Your babies will be very lucky to have such strong mamas xx

 

[MrsWilson]

Triggs, its a massive massive change and the scariest time of your life, I think if you're feeling better everyday after three weeks then you're on the right track, it had to get worse before it can get any better. I'm about 5 weeks in and feel awful I cry all the time, or at least I was until yesterday.

I talked to my husband yesterday and he wants to co-parent our daughter 50/50, he's promising to be there (he got a flat just 2 minutes away), I'm accepting his help and putting boundaries in place and setting expectations of each other so we don't let each other down. We're going to work on being friends, if I'm honest towards the end of our relationship I couldn't even call us friends and it's the fantasy of the perfect family that I've realised I'm grieving for and not the reality which would've been two stressed adults who had begun to resent each other.

Accepting this and taking some control over the situation (by discussing what's expected of each other) has helped me a lot and I no longer feel alone and abandoned.

Can you talk to your husband and get this sorted out before the baby i.e. what's expected in terms of how involved he wants to be, how he will help out with a newborn, when he will have the children, finances, etc?

When you've had your scan and he sees the baby he may feel differently about the baby and want to be involved.

xxxxx