What do you guys think? (Long)

[allycat]

OK, here's my situation... I met my bloke back in June when a mutual friend set us up together. We hit it off and started seeing each other straight after the night we met. 2 months after we met he went on holiday and obviously I missed him so when he came back we were at it like rabbits lol! We weren't careful any of those times which looking back now I realise was probably a bit silly! He started talking a couple of weeks later about us moving in together and I really wanted that too as we had grown really close and fallen in love. Weirdly, the day after we talked about he got a call from the council letting him know a flat had come up for viewing. The council will only give him a 1 bed flat as his son that he has at weekends only doesn't live with him and their argument is that he can take his boy home and he doesn't have to sleep over. Bottom line is we moved in together into the flat he viewed and it's a VERY small 1 bed flat. We have his boy every weekend who sleeps in the living room which I find to be a pain in the bum (even tho I'd never tell my OH that!). He's here ALL weekend... Our baby is due in May and we have been told by the council that we could be here a while after the baby is born. So the baby won't even have its own room and there's barely enough room for a cot in the living room, yet my OH will still have his boy sleeping here every weekend even though his own home is 15 mins away. I feel really upset thinking that we can't provide lots of space for the baby and there's gonna be no real room for the baby to play etc. as this flat is TINY. Also my OH's boy has a tendency to attention seek at night and shout out for his dad waking us both up and he's already jealous of the baby so I just know it's gonna cause a problem at night. The baby will probably wake up crying and I'll have to comfort him/her and everyone's gonna wake up, but my OH won't budge on the weekends.

Sorry for the rant and long post, but I just wanted to know what everyone else thinks of this and if I'm being unreasonable about the weekend situation? We could literally be here for years as the council are rubbish here and don't exactly rush to re-house people that need it. Even if they did we'd get a 2 bed house and I would want the spare room to be my baby's bedroom and I just know that's gonna cause even more jealousy with my OH's boy even though he doesn't actually live with us.

Do you think it's wrong to have a baby in a 1 bed flat?

Ally x

 

[HollyHobby]

Personally I think you should stop focusing on all the negative stuff.
It's not ideal, but it's the way it is for now so you'll have to make the best of it.


I would give the bedroom to the baby and you and oh sleep on a sofa bed in the living room. Then when his son visits put up a camp bed in the babies room.

 

[nazmomi]

I dont think it's wrong to have a baby in a 1 bed flat but i do appreciate your OH's point of view wanting his son to stay over. At the end of the day he is his child who he loves as much as the baby he is having with you. It is understandable that his son feels jealous but by stopping him from stayng over it wil only make the situation worse. I'm not saying this to sound harsh, my oldest children are from a relationship with an ex and they stay with him on weekends, and I have a hard time understanding how you would explain to a child why they weren't staying over anymore without them feeling they were being pushed out by the new baby.
I have also lived in a 1 bed flat with my 2 kids when I split from my ex so understand how you feel about it being frustrating. It's bloody hard when you have no space and it can really get to you.
Hopefully the council will be able to find you something. Could you rent privately or woud that be a lot more expensive for you ?

 

[allycat]

Hey thanks for the replies...I know my OH wants to spend time with his son at weekends and I don't wanna stop him from doing that, but it's already crowded now before baby. The flat we're in is barely bigger than a studio flat. We can't rent privately as it's too much money at the moment. Just finding the lack of space very frustrating! We have no storage space, we're sharing one wardrobe and the kitchen/bathroom are tiny. I know I'm only focusing on the negatives at the moment, but it's hard not to Me and my OH argue so much at the moment as well.

 

[nazmomi]

It will be hard for a while but it wil get better eventually. Hopefully you wll get somewhere bigger before too long

 

[HollyHobby]

hey alley dont let it all get you down there are always solutions.

can you move back home untill he gets a bigger place? its hard enough moving in with someone and not be pregnant and known them for years, never mind everything in a such a short amount of time -seems like it is enough to get ontop of anyone.

have you known him just since this June? So 4 months? Do you think you know him well enough to have moved in with him at all? If youre arguing that can't be good for the baby, and it seems like you resent him having a son already and he might pick up on it. I would be giving the son extra attention right now not complaining he's an attention seeker.

I don't really know what to suggest except think of the unborn baby first, might be better if you can get some space for a while if thats an option, and that might mean living on your own. I think if you told your oh you didnt want his son staying all weekened then he wouldnt be impressed and neither would his ex. what if she stopped him seeing him because he said you didnt want him to stay over?
You are a step mum now, so both children have to be considered equally.

I dont know how old you are but if I were your mum I would have talked you out of moving in with him so soon.

 

[allycat]

I was living on my own before I met my OH in June...we have known each other only 4 months. I found out I was pregnant the day after we moved in together. He said he was really happy about the baby and I wasn't sure how I felt at the time 'cause it was a shock! We are arguing a lot mostly 'cause the flat is half the size of the one I had all to myself before I moved in with him. I'm turning 26 in just under 2 months so I'm not exactly too young to be having the baby, but I always thought I'd be in a different situation when I did finally have kids. At first my OH's boy was alright about us being together but since we got the flat and found out about the baby he has been making things very difficult for us. I can understand why though as his mum fills his head with lots of stuff during the week telling him his dad's gonna push him out now, which is rubbish! What sort of a mother does that to her boy?! So she makes him feel the need to be all insecure and clingy with his dad which puts a strain on me and my OH. My OH does everything he can to reassure him, but it's hard not to get annoyed when you're pregnant and tired and keep getting woken up at weekends. Maybe I did rush into the moving in together thing, but it felt right at the time. I just wish my OH had told me a bit more about his past and how his son can behave sometimes - previous GFs haven't stuck around very long in the past because of it.

I just feel really mixed up, but haven't got anywhere to go now I gave up my flat. Can't go home to my parents so I'm a bit stuck!

 

[ShineyHappyPeople]

What about going to the council and asking for your own place? Maybe because of the baby they will give you a bigger house and your bf and son can join you when you've settled in a bit? I just think if you had your own space you would argue less with each other and at least things can calm down before any other descisions are made?

 

[HollyHobby]

I dont know if they'll give you a place so soon, they might put you in a hostal or something. Can you not go private landlord? shrink? if you all shrunk the place could look massive!!!!

btw how old is his son?

 

[jemz24]

If you just try and cope the way you are at the moment, when the baby is born u can swap to a bigger place, besides does the council know that you moved in to your partners place?
If the council thinks its only your partner and his son they wont offer anything bigger, so best thing is go up there let them know that your livin there and that you preg hopefully they will change you over, or you will have to wait till the baby has its own room.

 

[nazmomi]

If you stop him sleeping over at weekends you will be re-enforcing the stuff that his mum has said to him and he will be more insecure. I honestly think your best bet would be to ride it out. He has had a lot of disruption in his life recently with his dad moving, getting a new GF and now a new brother or sister in a fairly short space of time so he's bound to be looking for some reassurance.
Chances are when he see's that your there to stay and that isn't going to affect his time with his dad then he will come round.
My oldest 2 were none too pleased about the idea of me having a new partner at first but they got to know him in their own time and adore him now.
give him time to get used to the idea. The only way he will learn the things his mum is saying arent true is by you proving it to him.
It is hard being woken up when your pregnant and tired, but if you OH's son is doing this for his mum too then she must be knackered and is not being unreasonable wanting his dad to help out at weekends so she can sleep too
I really dont want to sound like i'm having a go because i'm not I just can see it from all sides and I dont think it's an easy situation for anyone involved but things will get better.

 

[allycat]

My OH's son is nearly 11 and he deliberately wakes us up at weekends because he pushes our bedroom door open first to see if we're asleep, then gets back into bed and calls out for his dad. I do try to be understanding about it all, but I'm not sleeping properly as it is and if I don't get a decent night sleep then I wake up feeling sick and can't make it through the day. Our living room really is tiny so him sleeping here can be awkward...we're sitting on deck chairs while we wait for our sofa to arrive as well which doesn't help! When he's at home he doesn't wake his mum and step-dad up so it seems like it's just something he does when he stays with us at the weekend.

My OH spoke to the council and I am going to fill out some forms to register on the housing needs list so they can assign points for his new situation so hopefully it won't be too long. They won't see it as a priority because his son is only here weekends and can be taken back to his own house in the evenings. They don't class him as needing a room of his own so that's why my OH was only offered 1 bedroom flats.

I guess I'll just have to see what happens with it all and hope we're not here too long. I just know that my OH's brother and his wife were in the same situation as us when they had their first child and didn't get moved until their son was 3and a half years old and only then 'cause she was preggers again with their 2nd child!

Thanks for all the advice girlies, much appreciated xxx

 

[HollyHobby]

At nearly 11 he should know better. i think you're going to have to be stern with your oh and tell him to have a word with his son that unless it's a case of life and death he's not to come into your room without knocking first off, and he's to wait till one of you are up and not to wake you up.

 

[mabelina]

Are you working or on benefits? The reason im asking is because two years ago i private rented a flat that was 120 pounds a weeks (soz but my pound sign has vanished??). The flat was two bedrooms and absolutely huge. The kitched alone was so long it would leave you breathless just walking from end to end I was on benefits and was told to only pay what ever i could afford. I ended up paying 10 pounds.
Please forgive me for saying this, but im only going by what you say, but if your boyfriends son is an attention seeker and already very jealous of your baby to come, then would the both of them be safe left alone in a room overnight?

 

[allycat]

Hey Mabelina, thank you for your reply. I can't believe you only had to pay as little as you did from being on benefits?! I'm not on benefits at the moment, haven't really looked into it all to be honest. I don't know where to go to find these things out, as silly as that sounds! You're not the 1st person to suggest that it might not be a good idea to let the baby sleep in the same room as OH's son because of his jealousy and temper tantrums!

HollyHobby I'm glad you agree with me on that one! It's not like he's a little boy or anything...he's just about to turn 11 so he should know better than to play up as much as he does and wake us up at weekends! I hate the way he doesn't knock on our bedroom door either, just pushes it open! To me that's rude...we're the adults and he should wait until one of us is up and not wake us up deliberately just 'cause he can't sleep...that's selfish! I've told my OH to get tougher on him as he's always let him do whatever he wants. He thinks he can run riot in our home and treat our stuff like &*%£! He also expects to be waited on hand and foot and does nothing to help us out...! Not being funny, but my younger brother wasn't as bad as that when he was 10 years old!

 

[nazmomi]

allycat try CAB and see if you would be entitled to any housing benefit etc. Even if your not now you may be when baby is born so you may be able to move a bit quicker.
For some reason I was under the impression that your OH's son was younger, and though I still dont think stopping him sleeping over is the best answer (though that is just my opinion) it does make what you said about waking in the night etc a lot more understandable. I dont think that expecting him to knock on your bedroom door etc is unreasonable.
seriously though I would see if you are entitled to any help as it may help things move a bit quicker for you and give you more options

 

[allycat]

I will give them a call at some point and see what I am entitled to. I gave up a really stressful sales job just before I moved in with the OH with the intention of sorting out a new job when we moved in properly 2 weeks later. Then I found out I was preggers and have had the worst sickness and tiredness so couldn't go back to work just yet.

I'd understand the waking us up thing if he was a little boy, but he's going to secondary school next year! I like to shut our bedroom door at night but OH says that's shutting him out?! He's not a baby! He def should knock on our door and not just push it open and walk in...we could be doing anything! He should wait until one of us is up when we're ready, not just wake us up! His dad gets up at 5am every day to go to work so could do with a lie in at the weekend.

 

[tuck]

I dont have any experience of step children but it could be he's just testing you out, especially if previous GF have not stayed around long, maybe he dosnt want to 'like' you incase you were to also 'disappear' so it's easier to play up and have tantrums, and is also picking up on the vibes that you dont want him around, I'm sorry if i sound harsh but is it actually his fault?, if it is true what his mum says to him then you are only re-inforcing what she says. He already has to share his mum with someone else and so see's you as a threat, especially with a baby on the way. he hadnt had time to get to know you before he's been told that you and his dad are also having a baby together. Maybe both you and your partner could spend some individual one to one time with him, you could take him to the pictures, out for lunch, not McD's but maybe a chinese buffet, somewhere like TGI Friday etc, somewhere that would make him feel important and try to get to know him, although you may not want him there but could you take him to a scan if you can. I totally understand you wanting the best for your child but there is another child involved that your partner also has to take into consideration and personally I think your partner is right in still wanting his son to stay at weekends.

 

[JayK2387]

Hey hun,

Just wanted to say I completely understand where you are coming from.

Me and My OH met in March and by July I was pregnant. He also has a son from a previous relationship who is 3. Its not him we have the problem though its his mum. My oh and her broke up before he was born as she slept with his best mate WHILST she was pregnant. BUT she has never gotten over him and the second she found out he was with me she stopped him from seeing his son SO his son hasnt been around us. I had met his son a few times back in May and we got on really well. But then obviously she went mental and stopped it.

Then she found out I was pregnant and has changed her mind and decided she wants to my oh and me to have their son every Sunday and to stay every other weekend. Its been 2 weeks since she has said that and already is making our lives hard. My oh works long hours 6 days a week. She called him yesterday screaming at him because "His son was playin up and he needed to get round there NOW" my oh was over an hour away and told her this then said "your leaving him out if you cant look after him then u should keep it in ur pants and not be havin another baby" which obviously pisd him off.

We dont even have our own place yet, we're waiting on the council. A 2 bed place here is at least £850 a month and we just cant afford it. So his son cant stay yet.

I cant stand the thought of having his son every sunday and every other weekend. That means we cant ever have any time together just the 3 of us.

I understand how important it is for him to see his son however I think once our baby is here we have to come to some compromise. I think we should have his son for the whole weekend every other weekend and maybe one or 2 days after school for the evening as it is only fair.

Maybe you should mention this to your OH?? Come to a compromise that suits everyone??

xxx

 

[allycat]

We do take his boy out every weekend and make sure we do stuff together as a family unit. We've included him all the way and I've even told him he can have one of the scan photos so it's not like we're shutting him out at all. His dad plays football with him at the park and takes him out just the 2 of them too. I think he is testing us because he doesn't like sharing his dad. He's already told my OH that he thinks the baby will get all the money spent on it and he'll get nothing, which is rubbish!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has this issue... I really have no problem with my OH seeing his boy every weekend, but it's also our only time together as he works long hours all week so we never get any quality time together at all. We don't get 5 minutes alone when his boy is here as he won't let us go off to the bedroom to chill out on our own even if he was previously sat there happily playing on the computer or watching TV! It's just so hard sometimes...