Waiting is driving me insane! HELP!

[babycrazy26]

Dear all,

I have wanted a baby since I was 17 but it has never been the right time. I remember my mum getting really angry when I bought one of those 'I'm pregnant' magazines and taking me to the clinic to have a depo shot. I did my A levels and then I went to university to do my chemistry degree and then I did my teacher training and then I started my teaching career. I am now 26 and this September I start my third year of my teaching career. I currently earn £33,000 a year.

I have been in a stable loving and committed relationship for just over three years.

I am an extremely organised and healthy person. I do not drink alcohol at all, I don't smoke, don't take drugs and I am a vegan (I know...some people might not think that is healthy)

I'm ready to have a baby!!!! It's all I can think about this summer holidays ... it is a total preoccupation! I have been waiting 9 years and people are still telling me it's not the right time yet!!! When I was 17 I never thought I'd get to 26 and people would still be tellign me it's not the right time!

This is what I keep hearing....
1.) In this day and age 26 is still too young to have a baby...most people leave it till about 30 - I know this sounds bad for people that have left it that long, but the idea of leaving it that long makes me feel very ill!
2.) Get your third year of teaching out the way and then it will be the perfect time.... I know that this will be the first year of teaching where I will actually feel like I'm a good teacher and I've got all my lesson plans sorted and I want to go and ruin how good and easy this year could be by having a baby, but I don't care... I WANT A BABY!!!!
3.) My boyfriend is an ARTIST. He has NO MONEY. He has a lot of pride and is desperately trying to get his career up and running and he wants me to wait until he's done that so that he can enjoy the pregnancy and provide for me. AAAAAAHHHHHHH! NO! I WILL PAY FOR THE BABY!!!

My family and my boyfriend want me to wait a year. I know that doesn't sound unreasonable at all but I've been waiting so long and this obsession is destroying my quality of life.

Is anyone out there in the same position?

(To complicate things further....sex is very painful upon deep penetration and period pains are extremely bad... I may have endometriosis so I would like to start trying as soon as poss.)

Nat xx

 

[x_MrsE_x]

Im not in your situation but didnt want to read and run, Im 26 and already have 3 children, The only advice i can give you is that its your life not anyone elses, if you feel its the right time for you then it is, my hubby wanted to wait abit longer before we had LO but i talked him round, it could take ages to conceive, why not suggest not trying but not protecting.. ?

 

[xxbeckyxx]

We didn't actually 'try' for Lizzie so we didn't tell anyone we were even thinking about it. By the time I announced my pregnancy they just had to be happy for me or it was their problem!!

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant, my partner is at Uni and won't be earning for another year or so and I was on £14,000 when I was working full time. So tbh your situation actually sounds much better than mine was! Anyway, to cut a long story short, we have coped fine. Yes, we don't treat ourselves to much and live a fairly frugal life but we have everything we actually need to be happy.

I never knew what I wanted to 'be' when I grew up when people asked me when I was younger, but I ALWAYS knew I wanted to be a Mum one day. Now that that's happened I get so much more pleasure out of my job as I know my real job is at home with my beautiful bubba

Hope things turn out ok for you honey. There will always be someone telling you it's not the right time, but it's your life and your responsibility, not theirs xxx

 

[CupcakeMummy]

Hey sweetie.

DH and I are both 26 and I feel that nowadays it maybe is a little young compared to when others are having babies....but it's not going to stop me!

Since I was 11 I've been waiting for this time of my life, and even though we could be on more money and could have a bigger home, we couldn't be more happy or in love and more emotionally ready to make a little life.

Hurry up December!!!

 

[babycrazy26]

Ok so latest.....

I am in an internet cafe on holiday. I have just dumped my boyfriend and left him on the beach to carry all the stuff back to the holiday flat (where his parentsare) by himself. His parents are really nice and don't realise I'm baby crazy. This obsession seems to be destroying our relationship and our summer holidays. On the beach I just felt surrounded by children! Yes properly baby crazy! We got into an argument because I'm starting to find it harder and harder having to deal with waiting a year. I basically seduced him into having unprotected sex with me on day 7, day 8 and day 9 and then tried yesterday on day 10 and he wasn't having any of it because that's getting too close to ovulation. He can't take my preoccupation and attempts to encourage him to get me pregnant anymore. He is a 30 year old artist and he's starting to back track out of having a baby in a year (this is what started the argument). He says he wants to move to London in a year and properly start up his career. AAAAAH! We are moving in different directions! But we are perfect for each other in every other way. It gets so frustrating because he keeps saying how immature I am to have this obsession at 26. He says its just a phase I'll get over, but there is no way I will. Don't know what to do right now! I dumped him and walked into the town because I'm sick of the power he has to deny me his sperm! Sorry I sound properly crazy!!!

Thank you so much for all the comments you left!!! So helpful! I have no one to talk to about this!

 

[babycrazy26]

Please don't judge me too harshly! I know you must think I sound too immature to even have a baby! But I'm actually a very together person believe it or not! But this obsession is turning me for the first time into a bit of a crazy person!

 

[Sandy Bee]

Sorry to hear that you are having a bad time. I recognise your dilemma from my friends', and partly from my own, life.

My advice to you would be to not wait around for your boyfriend. Focus on your own needs or you'll end up bitter or depressed.

Take care

 

[xxbeckyxx]

Hmm...to be brutally honest it sounds like he may be the type who will never really be willing and ready to properly try for a baby so he told you to wait a year and now even that is freaking him out! Have you tried to have a frank discussion about why he isn't ready yet?
If it's really a 'career' thing then tbh he shouldn't worry - without sounding too prehistoric, you are the mummy and you will make most sacrifices, he can still pretty much do what he wants!

It's a really difficult situation to be in - I know how the longing for a baby can really take over your life and it's hard to explain to anyone who doesn't have the same feelings! I hope you come to a decision about what you want to do....if this isn't going to be overcome then it doesn't matter how well the rest of the relationship works, you will always feel he is denying you this and that's not good. Imagine if you stayed with him, tried for a baby in a couple of years and then found out it was too late/you had problems etc...would you resent him, and yourself for waiting?

 

[babycrazy26]

Thank you all for your messages this helps so much! I went back to the flat and partly made up with my boyfriend - very unpractical to break up whilst on holiday with his parents!! But we're currently not really speaking.
Basically the situation is: he feels that if we have a baby now he gives up on his life long dreams and he would ideally like to wait 3 years. I could never EVER wait that long - I would be 29 and to me that doesn't right that I'm that age when I'm having my first child!

I was 17 when I started wanting one! My mother had me when she was 19 and had a further three children after that. Because of the small age gap I've always had more of a sister relationship with my mother and this has always been great. I don't necessarily want that kind of relationship with my daughter but I do really feel the need to be a young mum.

So we've comprised; we are going to wait a year. That's ok so I don't really understand why I'm finding it so difficult. I think it's because it's the summer holidays so I'm not working (I'm a teacher) so I don't have a distraction from it.

I said to my boyfriend last night 'I just want my child!!' And he then resents the fact that I act like it is my child and not both of ours. I don't really feel like it's just mine but I'm the only one that wants it at the moment!

If it's a girl we've decided to call it 'Castle'. I said to him last night 'Do you want to stay up late and make a castle on the beach?'. Needless to say he didn't!!

It doesn't help that his sister has just annouced her pregnancy and she arrives to join us on holiday today!

Thanks for all your messages

Nat xxx

 

[xxbeckyxx]

His sister having a baby could be a good thing - when his niece or nephew comes along it might make him more open to the idea of having one of his own

 

[LuBLu]

It sounds like you are going through a really tough time at the moment. I am feeling slightly the same way, my husband has taken a new job with a big pay cut and has now said that we have to stop TTC and will need to wait a couple of years before we start trying again.

You may find it difficult to be around his sister but as Becky says this could be a good thing as it could make him alot more open to having his own child.

This might sound almost impossible but maybe for the rest of the summer holidays try not to discuss the baby situation too much let him relax and enjoy being in a relationship. Once things feel more settled and you are back teaching maybe sit down to discuss it again. Once your relationship is back on an even keel your boyfriend may feel more open about starting a family.

 

[stargirl]

I'm 27 and feel that if I leave having a baby any later then I'll be too old so I defo don't feel 26 is too young.
I really feel for you, I feel lucky in that my oh is just as broody as I am. Looking at your situation from an outsiders perspective I'm pleased that your boyfriend and you have come to the compromise of a year. If your relationship is a little rocky at the moment then a year waiting can bring you together and make you stronger. Especially if you use his sisters pregnancy to bond over. And you never know, watching his sister having a baby and starting a family might encourage your boyfriend into wanting to start his earlier then planned. Good luck hun

 

[Sandy Bee]

Yes, as stargirl wrote: well done for confronting him and coming up with a reasonable compromise.

 

[babycrazy26]

Thank you so much for all your comments!

It all came to a head the day before yesterday and we had a big talk about it on the beach. He talked about how a lot of things have made him realise that he doesn't want to wait any longer than a year. Hearing his passion and enthusiasm for a baby really helped to make me feel like I could wait a year and I realised that I want to be the best mum ever and no matter how I look at it I will be financially better off and more settled in all sorts of way in a years time. So I'm kind of treating it like I'm pregnant now (in that I am already preparing for the arrival of a baby in a way) and that helps.

But maybe the main reason I've calmed down is that my ovulation has now passed. My emotions were at their absolute worst the day before yesterday and that day I got a positive result on an ovulation stick. So it's just a theory but I may have been particularly desperate for a baby that day because my body was preparing to ovulate and was saying get ready to make a baby!! My emotions have completely calmed yesterday and today and I feel like I can finally focus on other things.

I've been so obsessed! I even bought some of that aid to fertilisation lubricant and I picked up a free copy of that baby book Boots has been giving away! Oh dear tragic!

Well you never know I may be pregnant (but I seriously doubt it!). I had full unprotected sex on day 8, 9 and 10. We'll see. Unlike his sister whose 3 months pregnant and still drinking alcohol I'm not drinking any alcohol!

Thank you all so much! This forum is great!

Nat xxx