very sensitive situation - desperately need advice

[millylillyrose]

First off I have been reading some of your posts, and I am so sorry for your losses.

About 8 weeks ago I found out I was expecting my 3rd baby. I called my midwife and they sent me in for a dating scan. I wanted to tell my SIL right away since she is 23 weeks with her second baby, a boy. and I thought she'd be excited. But at the scan, they found nothing, so we didnt go and tell anyone. I went back just 2 days later and they found the gestational sack and yolk sack, I was just 4.5 weeks.

That evening, we got the worst possible news, my SIL had gone for her 20 week scan (at 23 weeks) and they found out he had some terrible problems and was given a 0% survival rate. They then found out he has an extra chromosome 18... and these babies do not usually live to term, and if they do, they dont usually live more than a few hours. Though given the other defects he also has, their doctors are not expecting him to even take a breath. She will carry him another 3 months unless he doesnt make it to then.

They of course are completely broken, and our whole family are devastated.
My problem now is, I am almost 11 weeks pregnant and have told NO-ONE. It has been hard being so sick, taking care of my other 2 and having to pretend to be fine. I live in the US around my husbands family, and all my family are in the UK.
I know I need to tell her before anyone else, but I am just so scared to cause anymore pain for them. I am also terrified that if they do not take it well, and see this as something separate to what they are going though, then the rest of his family will feel so understandably loyal toward her, they will want nothing to do with us.

I was wondering if anyone here had some good ways to gently tell them without causing upset or added pain. I will do anything to make them feel more comfortable, I just dont think i can wait much longer and its causing me so much stress.

Much thanks in advance to anyone able to help. x

 

[Rowesb]

I found out that my sister was pregnant a few weeks before I had a MMC, we had been trying, they hadn't.... they smoked until she was, I didn't,they drank, I didnt (until they found out). It hurt like anything.
|If I were you, I would talk to her, say there is something that you need to tell her that is probably going to hurt,but you need to tell her before anyone else. Explain what happened and the dates etc, and reassure. She will hurt, but I think you have to appreciate that ( as you obviously do) and just tread carefully in the way of facebook, how you tell people events and news. I had to block my sister off FB as it felt as though she was digging a knife in, the day after 1 MC she posted her 12 week scan and thn 6 weeks later on my birthday she posted her 20 week one and things like that, just generally thoughtless in her excitement... You have a right to be excited as everyone does but to post this here shows that you will be receptive to her needs x
Good luck

 

[millylillyrose]

thank you.... I dont think we will put anything on FB at any point during this pregnancy.

 

[Princess81]

Totally agree with the advice above. It's a hard place to be in, I hope your SIL can be happy for you eventually x

 

[Becky1]

When I found out I was pregnant (I've sadly now misscarried) I had to tell my bf who recently had a miscarrige. I was a mess and broke down in tears as I was so worried it would upset her. She was amazing, she was pleased for me and also really touched that I cared so much to be worried about her feelings as so many others weren't and just an announced it, posting scan pics on fb and emails etc without thinking about her feelings.