TTC?

[Jade&Evie]

I have a feeling this thread will go haywire but I am going to post it anyway because you never know....

Firstly I'm not having a go at teen mums- I am one.

I'm 19. I fell pregnant at 18, by accident. I was living with my boyfriend and working full time in London in a well paid job so I was in a position where keeping the baby was plausible and my OH and I embraced me being pregnant for 99% of the time (we both had 'moments in the 9 months! ) Now Evie is here, IMHO, we are doing a great job- we share the 'baby chores' as best we can- obviously when my OH has work I do the night feeds so he can sleep and because I am on maternity leave I have her more than him- but we have a happy, healthy and very contented bub who's loved to bits and spoiled rotten already!

HOWEVER

I wouldn't have TRIED for a baby and I think girls of 15/16 TRYING for a baby are mental! If I could have I would have loved to spend more time getting to know John- going on luxury holidays, buying a house rather than renting and generally spoiling myself with MY money. As much as I'm looking forward to it Disneyland and Parents Evenings don't really have the same 'fun appeal' as Girly Holidays in Spain and 5am kebabs after clubbing!

When I was 16 I moved in with an ex and tried to be a gorwn up but I wasn't. It took a couple more years of working and partying to teach me 'ways of life'. I had casual sex with almost complete stranges and felt shitty afterwards; which taught me that casual sex has nothing on a loving relationship. I dappled in drugs which taught me that drugs are the dirt of the world and I'll steer clear of them for the rest of my life. I've learnt the value of a pound through renting a flat and paying my own bills. The list could go on and on.

Anyway, what I am getting at is that IMHO at 15/16 you can't possibly be ready for a baby. You have to be selfish for a little bit and not have the responsibilty of another life. Although I have no doubt there are mum's of 15/16 doing a good job I can't understand TTC....

Thoughts on a Postcard....?

 

[Huddsgirl]

these are my thoughts exactly.
can understand there are many good teen mums out there doing the right things by there little ones.............but saying your TTC at that age is mental.
i no accidents can happen and it sometimes these situations are thrown at us, but to be ttc at that age is just crazy for someone so young to do.
just my oppinion ladies , def no offence to young mummies

 

[dannii87]

We have got some fantastic teen mums on this forum, you, Zebra, MissSara was a teen mum I think, so in certain circumstances I think the job can be done VERY well.

I know exactly where you're coming from though, if this thread does anything, I hope it firstly helps young girls who are thinking of TTC to think carefully.

I always think there is a minority within the group of young girls TTC that can make it work, but unfortunately it's a very small minority

Here is a bit about my situation (as you have posted yours I think it's a good idea ):

I am 20 and wasn't with my OH for very long at all but we did really click and I did think a few times towards Xmas that he could turn out to be "The One" one day... At Xmas I find out I am just over 6 weeks pregnant and after the initial shock (as I was on the pill and on antibiotics - BAD combo!) we eventually got our heads around it and decided to keep the baby.

Xmas day he proposed, I accepted (warily in all honesty, as it did cross my mind that he was only doing it because of the baby but I put those thoughts to one side and focused on the proposal being more of a security proposal rather than a marriage one)... Anyway, Xmas came and went, and so did my OH!

Never heard from him since Doesn't want anything to do with me and Evie and hasn't been involved at all. This means I am left 100% to do everything on my own.

I drive, I have my own car, I work full time and on good money, but that doesn't help! I now have the daunting task ahead of me of explaining to my little girl one day why her daddy isn't around and probably watching her cry as she asks if it was her fault... That, as well as the possibility of having to allow her freedom to explore her heritage.

I would NEVER have chosen this life for my daughter, forgetting me for a second because I had a wonderful childhood, but for my daughter, this is not ideal and I hope this doesn't affect her life too badly and all I can do is try my utmost to ensure she is loved and secure in her life with me so she can go through life knowing I did all I could for her.

If I had planned this pregnancy and the situation was the same, I could NEVER forgive myself (even though Gray leaving wasn't my decision), there would always be part of me riddled with guilt for choosing this life for my daughter.

I don't have much faith in relationships anyway, and I'd love to be able to sit here and smile when I hear people say "I know this relationship is real and that we'll be together forever" but fact is, I can't.

My advice to young girls TTC would be that the average limit on fertility going downhill (gradually) is well over 30 which gives another 10 years at least to seriously consider it.

What I know I will face being a single & young parent (because unfortunately, statistics are stacked against most young couples with children that they won't last) are these;

- I will spend every evening alone with a baby.
- I will have the responsability of bringing up a child alone.
- I won't be able to just "go out" for the night without having to plan a babysitter etc.
- New Years eve will always be a nightmare as there aren't many available babysitters around that time of year!
- Struggling for money.
- My "Just Dannii" days are over, I now have the role of "Mum" to keep in mind.
- Future relationships are going to be tough having to put my feeling aside and thinking of Evie and how she will be with a new fella in our lives.
- No partner to share my worries and concerns with and to help me make the "right" decision when Evie hits certain stages of childhood and her teen years (unless I meet my Prince before then!!)

Hope this doesn't cause too much anger or anything and people appreciate everyone's views and opinions xxx

 

[zebrastripes]

I completely agree.

As a 16 year old mother, I love my life. I love my daughter and I want to be the best mother I possibly can. I wouldn't have it any other way.

However I think it is terrible that girls my age would actually choose to get pregnant. At first my pregnancy wwas, I suppose, a negative experience. However, life- and motherhood- is what you make of it, and I, with the help of my family and friends, have managed to turn it into a positive one.

Like I said, wouldn't have it any other way. I can still go to uni, I can still do all the things I wanted to, but with a baby in tow.
But I never would have dreamt of delibrately TTC. I'm not stupid.

It seems to me that many of these girls, by merely thinking that they are in the optimum position to support another life, show their immaturity. A sensible girl would say " I have always wanted babys. I want to be a mother above all else, however, I'm only 15 so I'm going to do the sensible thing and wait a little because I want everything to be right and stable for this baby. Til then, I'll get a job in the local creche."

It irritates me. I know what it is like. My little girl may even be looked down upon in the future, because her mum is young. I love being a mother, but it is difficult enough without making it harder for yourself. And I'm one of the lucky ones, I have a good stable home, supportive family circle, lovely boyfriend who i've been with for over 3 years..

Having a child isn't "throwing your life away" at any age. However it is advisable to do a little living yourself first.

hey, maybe this could be a sticky? So we don't keep having to retype what we think of teens TTC

 

[dannii87]

Just wanted to add that it upsets me sometimes when I read "I really want a baby... I'm scared of what so and so will say... I really want one" like babies are a Gucci handbag or something xx

 

[Jade&Evie]

Dannii, I was going to PM you but I changed my mind and thought I'd post here instead.

Don't think that when baby arrives you will lose 'you'. I thought once Evie was born that EVERYTHING would change- my body, my finances, my friends, my sex life, my social life... EVERYTHING.

Evie is three weeks old now- I am getting my body back and it doesn't seem an impossible task to look decent again. I have done my hair and make up this weekend and actually felt like a real yummy mummy when I took E out today Babies do cost a lot, but you get help- a newborn doesn't really cost THAT much and if you can breastfeed it'll save you £7 a week on formula!

My sex life is better than it's ever been and my social life is great too- even if it's not as exciting as it was once. I take Evie out for little walks everyday- they are the highlight of my days- just time that I can relax and she can sleep in her pram! John and I have been out for a mates birthday meal without Evie- my mum babysat for us- and it was nice to be 'us' again rather than 'us and the baby' BUT picking her up from my mum was the best feeling ever!

You won't be single forever. Relationships don't just work- they have to be worked on. When you find the right person you'll make it work.

My Dad isn't biologically my father but I love him more than anything in the world; and I KNOW that my mum is worth far more than the scum that is biologically my father. Your Evie (it's very confusing you know... all these Evies!) has a smart, beautiful mummy and she'll realise that too

 

[zebrastripes]

You won't be single forever. Relationships don't just work- they have to be worked on. When you find the right person you'll make it work.

:

jade is right-
and dannii, I'd just like to add a quote I have heard from my mum's friend "as a single mum, they'll either want to shag you or shun you" excuse the crudeness, but in essence it's true- the whole motherly thing can be an attraction rather than otherwise: except to those guys who don't want commitment anyway (and we all know what that means)

So when you do embark on a r/ship again at least you will know that the guy cares for you enough to love your little girl as well- and that's quite something

 

[Slinky Sarah]

I dont think teenagers realise the agony that is TTC too.
We have been trying for 8 months now.
Last July at 19 i had my first miscarriage. I had my OH through that but let me tell you its a lonely place to be.
2 months later we decided to TTC together. last month we got lucky. We didnt know we were pregnant. A week later i lost that baby at 5 weeks.
just over 2 weeks later im still dealing with the emotional carnage it has left behind.

Now if you can honestly say that you can deal with the month after month after month of the negative test, convincing yourself you have every symptom going just for your period to come the day after you test, sometimes a couple of days late just to tease you, then maybe TTC is a good idea. I tell you, my OH and his ex caught on the pill, i did first time too, if we had known how physically and emotionally, not to mention financially draining TTC is we could have tried to be prepared for it. Take a look in the TTC section if you think im exagerating! You will see people in there who are convinced at their symptoms, trying to see if that faint line we all so really want is a positive test then maybe you will get the idea of what im saying.

The other real possibility you may have to deal with is my situation. Miscarriages. I have had 2 now, i wont have any answers until i have a 3rd...now try telling yourself you want to carry on and convince your OH to carry on after one loss let alone too...knowing the very real possibility that something is wrong and you will loose again before you get answers.
The emotions you feel can not be explained. But if you think you can handle it then you are a stronger woman than me. Again look at the loss section...

Also how many of you have researched TTC? Did you know your supposed to take folic acid supplements 3 months before trying? Looked into the foods to avoid?

Its not a case of jump into bed, have sex and thats it bam your pregnant.
Sex is no longer for fun after a while, it gets to be a chore. Your relationship is tested to the limits both with trying and when the baby is here.

But if you can handle it then ok maybe you are mature enoguh for it. But nothing can prepare you for it

 

[dannii87]

I got really tearful there Sarah Wow, that hit deep... I can't imagine what it must feel like to experience loss(es)...

It's great that you have been able to post another angle on the subject though as it's easy to forget that it's not just "wham bam thank you mam, here's your baby"

I think that post alone might help persuade young girls to think twice.. xx

 

[Beth88]

I totally agree with everything that has been said in here.. I'm only 20, turned 20 in March, and my OH turned 20 in February. We are pregnant now, and are slowly getting our heads round the idea.. But there is no way in hell that we would have planned this prengnancy, no way..

I'm in uni, finishing my second year this week actually, so its not the best time at all. I am going to finish my third year though, and the baby will be born in January and i will spend a lot of my time at home in Wales, and just go back to Leicester (where uni is) for about 2 days every other week, and hopefully my mum will take care of the baby in Wales. I don't for one minute think that this is going to be easy, as i'm going to have a lot of work to do for my dissertation. Also, my OH does Law, which is on par with Medicine in difficulty and commitment levels, so he isnt going to be as involved as we'd both like. But we will get through it, becuase we have to.

Me and my OH have only been together for nearly 13 months, but we do love each other and get on incredibly. I don't agree with abortion, and he isn't keen on the idea either,and we both know that we can make this work so we're doing it. However, i have my own car, and a lot of savings.. And a really really supportive family at home. My car is only 3 years old, so its a brilliant car with hardly any milage and will last me a few years before it ever needs any repairs etc.. I have about £5000 in savings that i have worked bloody hard for since i was 16. I was working 26 hour weeks when i was in school, trying to get savings to build my life on. I don't havea job now, because it's too difficult to get a job that will let you travel back and forth Leicester and Wales for term time and holidays..

Basically, really don't try for a baby now.. Zebra is right, get a job at the local creche for now, that will be fun and you can spend time with young children etc there.. Or train as a nursery nurse. Just wait a while until you are settled with money and a place.

 

[daftscotslass]

I don't have any experience with the wonderful advice above but would just like to add something. I think when you're a teen and in your first "serious" relationship and your hormones are raging, it's a thought that crosses your mind. You're so happy and loved up that all you can think about is either getting married to or having a baby with this person. I think many of us have had thoughts like these! However it doesn't mean you have to go out and act on it.

I find the thought of young teens TTC very scary. I find it even more scary that there are apparently girls out there that are willing to sabotage their contraception to have a baby. I can't imagine the reaction of their boyfriends, even more so if they were to find out what their partners did.

Even now at the age of 27 it only took one missed pill for Becky to appear. However we're in the situation now that we both have good jobs, own our own home and have been together over 6 years. Timing couldn't have been better for us (and we were both over the moon) but the thought of this happening 10 years ago is scary. I absolutely take my hats off to the teen mums who have dealt so well with this at their age - I know I probably couldn't have.

 

[MissSara]

I don't have any experience with the wonderful advice above but would just like to add something. I think when you're a teen and in your first "serious" relationship and your hormones are raging, it's a thought that crosses your mind. You're so happy and loved up that all you can think about is either getting married to or having a baby with this person.

I totally agree here, i was pregnant at 16 and made a mummy at 17. Although my pregnancy wasn't planned i still had all the ideas of me being with my son's sperm donar forever and living happily ever after, as soon as it sunk in that he was to become a father at such a young age he was gone. And i think that most teens TTC believe it will cement a relationship, i'm sorry to be the one to say this but the strain on a young relationship with a baby when your only kids yourself is bad.

I was one of the lucky ones i think who had a very good supportive family and no matter what and still to this day my child will come first above anyone and everything, he is my world and everything else can wait. My OH knew this when i got with him and i guess i am lucky enough to say that he is also OH's world aswell.

Danni i would like to say, yeah after i was left a single parent i did meet a few blokes that turned out to be " wrong ones" but when your a mummy its easier to pick out the wrong ones from the good ones. I don't know why but you sense things from the start. And you will meet someone who is great for you and loves Evie as much as you do.

And i would like to say to Zebrastripes what a great mummy you are and i think the bloke you have right there is a diamond, i look at all these teenage dads that did exactly what harrisons dad did and realise how easy it is for them to turn and run.

 

[Slinky Sarah]

I got really tearful there Sarah Wow, that hit deep... I can't imagine what it must feel like to experience loss(es)...

It's great that you have been able to post another angle on the subject though as it's easy to forget that it's not just "wham bam thank you mam, here's your baby"

I think that post alone might help persuade young girls to think twice.. xx

sorry i upset you hun just hope it shows what agony TTC can be, let alone the loss factor too

 

[chickadee1976]

What I know I will face being a single & young parent (because unfortunately, statistics are stacked against most young couples with children that they won't last) are these;

- I will spend every evening alone with a baby.
- I will have the responsability of bringing up a child alone.
- I won't be able to just "go out" for the night without having to plan a babysitter etc.
- New Years eve will always be a nightmare as there aren't many available babysitters around that time of year!
- Struggling for money.
- My "Just Dannii" days are over, I now have the role of "Mum" to keep in mind.
- Future relationships are going to be tough having to put my feeling aside and thinking of Evie and how she will be with a new fella in our lives.
- No partner to share my worries and concerns with and to help me make the "right" decision when Evie hits certain stages of childhood and her teen years (unless I meet my Prince before then!!)

Hope this doesn't cause too much anger or anything and people appreciate everyone's views and opinions xxx

Well said , i was 22 when i had Cameron and his dad left when i was 8 months pregnant. We have not seen or heard from him since.

I just want to reitterate this post 10 years on these points still stand, i have been out once at New year since he was born.

Although young mums, whether single or in a couple are very capable of caring for and loving a child, just think twice if you are ready for your life to change so much.

 

[poochielove]

I already posted my view on this in another post, but since this will probably become a sticky thread i really want to post here too.

My experience of this is from my best friend at school falling pregnant at 15 she had sex and the condom split and then took the morning after pill but it didnt work. That was it, she could never just do what she wanted ever again and we lost touch for a long while as i wanted to be a kid and she was at home 24/7 with a baby. Me and a few school friends went to see the baby when she was born and i remember thinking "oh my god, i do not want to be in that situation so young". She is now married to the same guy and they also have a little boy, both work and have a nice house and she is happy. But i am sure if she could have planned her life a baby would not have been in it till a lot later on. Now i think back she must have been very lonely (i still feel guilty about not being there more). I also remember her being alienated and teased at school for her growing bump and from having lots of friends to just a handful.

Me and my partner started TTC in January and we are both 22 and very stable in all areas. I also wanted to be a younger mum and wasnt sure if we would encounter problems so this seemed like the ideal time to start. But stil nothing prepared me for the shock of actually seeing the positive pregnancy test 2 months later! I felt losts of emotions i had no idea i'd feel, like fear and worry and we are in a fab position to have a baby!

Anyway before i ramble too much my last point, which TBH has probs already been made clear in the other posts is your OH may say he wasnts a baby aswell, but i am pretty sure alot of 16 year old boys will run a mile when the hard work and no play kicks in. Thats the beauty of being a man (well boy in this case) they can run at the first oppurtunity and you will be left holding the baby-so to speak.

Sorry for going on a bit but i sometimes see posts in here that really worry me.

 

[EllieBelle]

I just wanted to say I think this thread is absolutely fantastic, and well done to Jade&Evie for starting it!

I hope that all young ladies will read it and appreciate the advice being given.

Im 34 and just pregnant with baby number 1, so cannot talk about my experiences as a young mum.

However, I can add that I am very glad that I enjoyed my life as a teenager, and young adult, enjoyed the girls holidays abroad and weekends out partying. I also enjoyed my career, and was lucky enough to travel the world with my job and be very successful (despite leaving school with no qualifications).

Life is what you make it, and I genuinely believe that everyone should enjoy their lives to the full and live a little, before taking on the resposibility of motherhood.

 

[elaine22]

Totally agree with what everyone has said. I had my daughter (unplanned) at 22, and though my partner and I are financially stable, finished uni, in a secure relationship etc, there have been times where we've found it really hard, particularly in the first few months. I can't even begin to imagine how I would have coped at 16, or been in a strong enough relationship at that age to withstand what parenthood throws at you.
I've noticed a lot of teens TTC say 'Oh well I'm not really a clubbing person anyway, and I like staying in, so it's not like I'm missing out or anything.' as if that's what constitutes becoming an adult and 'living life'. I, and most people I know, changed and grew up a hell of a lot between 16 and say, 20 and the going out aspect hardly factored into it - it was mainly my experiences in education and work, in romantic relationships and relationships with peers and colleagues - without the responsibility of having a child - and making mistakes and learning from them that has allowed me to mature from a teen into an adult. Personally I don't think I'd be as well rounded if I had had a child at 16, but that's just my view, it's probably different for everyone.

 

[Penstraze]

I totally agree with all thats said and think really good advise to any teen wanting a baby is try working in a nursery for awhile get some experience of the work involved in young children first then see if you still feel the same way most nurseries are happy for an extra pair of hands from someone wanting to do abit of work experience as long as your willing to get stuck in and work! I think too many teens have a rose tinted view of what being a mum is like which is very far removed from the reality of sleepless nights, nappies and screaming babies!

 

[Urchin]

I've just deleted the Teenage pregnancy section so that's why this is now in this section.