Too early for routine?

[Lucy]

Hi

MIL sometimes wants to come round during the week to see Olivia, whenever she sees Olivia she HAS to hold her for the duration of ours/her visit. When Olivia was very young we didn't really have a routine in the evening but now we have a bath/feed/bed routine which starts at 7pm and sometimes results in Olivia going to bed at 8 and other nights it will be 11 (just depends on how much cluster feeding she needs or if she settles etc).

MIL wanted to come round last wk and i said ok, will be nice to see you but knowing how MIL insists on holding Olivia all the time I said "oh just to let you know Olivia is having her bath early tonight because she seemed to be getting grumpy early so she might be in bed when you get round"...... this obviously annoyed MIL because yesterday out of the blue she phoned DH and was very aggressive and said "I've had 4 kids and I know that 2 months is too young for a routine". Regardless of what she thinks/says DH and I will carry on doing what we feel is best for us and Olivia, but I am curious to know what you all think - is 11wks too early for routine?

Thanks

Lucy

 

[Dee1985]

babies love a routine it makes them feel safe ans i believe its good for them Harley is only 10days old and already in a routine of 9pm bath feed bed. and i hope to stick to it, the odd hick up now and then aint a problem if we go out for the night or some thing but other then that i will stick to his routine,, Dior is 1 and has had the same routine now since she was about 3months, 7pm bath weet abix then bed. if im running late she wil crawl up the staris and stand at the bath lol, or if i bath her but take to long to put her to bed she will start waving which means bed time..

your mummy you no best hun..

 

[beanie]

Seren has had a bedtime routine since she was wee. She hates it now if we are late and gets quite upset. The rest of the day however anything goes, I personally would find a routine too restrictive and couldn't live by it as I like to be able to go out whenever I want but I know another mum who swears by hers. Up to you I guess x

 

[Rosebay]

Not too young at all! I started really early with Mel- always treated bedtime differently even though he was waking more often at the beginning, had a story, bath, food, bed routine going too. One of my better HVs told me to start a routine at 6 weeks anyway and one of my best friend's mum is a retired HV and she said that babies like routine, it makes them feel secure. Just remember that if you have to change it they prefer nice surprises to any other kind is what she also said! My OH and I could not have coped without a routine- we would have run for the hills in the second week! Luckily Mel seems to really like it too- it's never felt like we've had to force him to do anything and he generally follows the same pattern now easily with just a bit of encouragement sometimes. If he hadn't liked it I might have gone with the flow but we all seem genuinely happy with a routine.

It sounds to me more like a power thing, she wants to get her hands on your babe (fair enough but...) and is trying to justify when she wants to do it by trying to "pull rank" as she's bought up 4 kids. My MIL has had 3 kids and so I used to feel that she knew bettter than me but I've come to terms with the fact that I have the responsibility and the control for my baby. It's all very well but unless they're looking after them 24/7 and want to deal with the consequences of not being consistent you are the boss!!

Good luck!
+++

 

[petchy]

ruben has been in a routine since about 5 weeks (we tried before that but his reflux meant he was screaming in pain most of the time!) and he instantly became much more settled and content. i think babies like predictability!

 

[Layla]

you can start a routine as early as day one hun.

you did the right thing, dont let the MIL make you feel bad, your her mummy and you know best


xxx

 

[emilia]

As you know Lucy, Oscar has had a bedtime routine from day one. Like Seren, he gets upset if we're running late.
I'm trying to delay it a bit, but not working - he just seems to know.... wee monkey!!
Emilia xx

 

[Em78]

Hi lucy - i think they are never too young and you as a mother know whats best for YOUR child, it doesnt matter if she has had 20 kids - this one is yours!

Alex has been in a routine since he was four days old (with a little flexability in the early days!)

my mil comes over one afternoon a week after work esp to see alex but she totally respects that he needs his nap at his usual time even if this means less cuddles. perhaps if it means so much to your mil then she should be the one to work round your lo and come at a different time?

x

 

[Duds]

You MIL should know better !! She should be pleased that your trying to get into a routine and look after her grandaughter

Its never too early to start, I found the first 4 weeks impossible to do but still tried. The earlier you start the sooner they will be settled.

Just ignore them and do what you thinks best
x

 

[hels]

Can she not come in the day time Lucy??
I think its important to have some kind of routine on a night time, especially when its a good excuse to avoid the MIL!!!!!
Personally i dont have a routine during the day, and Charlie has bath, boobie then bed like alot of babies on a night.
P.S.....Dont forget to tell her not to wear her perfume lol!

 

[michelle82]

Matthew has been in a routine since about 4 weeks if and it has settled him no end. If Olivia is happy then stick with it. Its nothing to do with your MIL she doesnt have to live with a grumpy baby !! Matthew gets really grumpy near bedtime so I know where you are coming from and if you want to bath her and put her to bed early then you know best shes your daughter!

 

[melhoney]

Don't worry at all!!!
Maheen has been in a routine since day 2! (when we came back home!) and I stick to it and it has worked wonders! But I am not telling it everyone, like the HV for eg!
At our mother and baby group, she keeps on going on about how she hates the word routine, and how it's completely out of order to give a routine to babies, but prefers the word "cues", so that the babies can "recognise" when it's time to calm down, sleep, etc...
Well, in the reasonnable limit, of course, I think babies will learn what you want to teach them, and as I said, Maheen was taught to eat every 4 hours from day 2, and she has never had a problem with that.
Go with your instinct! If she metions it to you, can't you make her understand that things do change and obviously what seemed right when SHE had babies is maybe no more? (give the example of putting babies to sleep on tummy and now on the back, etc...)

Take care,
Mel xx

 

[Lucy]

Hi everyone

Thanks for your replies. During the day we are totally flexible and don't have any routine whatsoever. MIL works so can't come in the day but she gets home at 4pm so could be round our house at 5pm (45-50min drive), but they like to have their dinner and clear it away then come round (which I think is a bit selfish - FIL is retired)

My mum has had 8 kids and didn't object to us doing the routine when they were staying (they live 450 miles away) but I hate to always have the "my mum does/doesn't do this" etc.

Hels - I was going to tell her about her perfume at the weekend but as Olivia was poorly we didn't go over... will have to save that one

Em - I think I might use that line on her if she kicks up again, can't imagine her finding a reply to it

It doesn't help the fact that MIL didn't bf at all and doesn't really understand that Olivia doesn't have set meal times during the day and hates it when she has to hand Olivia to me to be fed (because it can take an hour to feed her sometimes).

Agghhh

Lucy

 

[Freya]

Your baby your rules. Just because she has had childrne it does not make her the perfect mother. With my MIL I get OH to talk to her as if it is HIS idea - she excepts everything from him but not from me.

 

[Vicky]

Babies love routines to them it means what is going to happen at night and it makes them used to night and day, you have done the right thing hunny, Kacy has been in a rountine since 2 weeks old.

 

[Urchin]

Lucy if a routine works for your baby how can that be wrong?

Some babies love a routine and i makes life very easy for both baby and parents, other babies are difficult to get into a routine.
I found with Mason he was not set into a routine but it was OK and we didn't mind. Brody however, we have noticed he gets grumpy at around 8 and whinges till he's put into bed, so he loves his routine.


If MIL wants to come and see the baby then she must be flexible, not you!

 

[Lucy]

This is just crazy!! DH's family are mad, he spoke to his Gran who said she thinks its "outrageous that his Mum can't see Olivia when she wants to" and how we are "restricting access". They're also still going on that I should stop BF (they dont understand how BF works).

Would anyone in their right mind go and pick up a sleeping baby at any time let alone when it's "bedtime" as in gone 8pm at night?

It wouldn't surprise me if MIL seeks advice about her rights to see Olivia - anyone know where we stand just so I know (I'd never stop her seeing Olivia but don't want to be intimidated if she starts reading the riot act.

Thanks everyone

Lucy
Who used to really like DH's family

 

[Lucy]

Hi Urchin - posted at the same time so couldn't respond in post above.

I agree, and it does seem that Olivia is picking up her routine well. We're not being rigid about time usually but like to say bath is around 7pm ( sometimes 6, sometimes 8 depending on if we've been out/ if Olivia is really tired etc).

I dont understand how they can be so upset over ussaying she MIGHT be in bed when they we due to come... everyone else seems to be flexible with when they visit and its not like the inlaws have any pets to arrange cover for and MIL gets up at 8am everyday so not like having their dinner a bit later one night is going to affect them hugely. They have been seeing her once a week minimum - bearing in mind they live 45-50min drive away so not like uo the road, does everyone elses family see their inlaws much more than that?

Thanks

Lucy

 

[Urchin]

I'm seeing my in-laws for this week for the first time in 2 years! (they are South African)

your OH's family sound potty, it is not their "right" to see her whenever they want, you let them know when it's convienient and if they want to come that's the time to do it

 

[Lucy]

you let them know when it's convienient and if they want to come that's the time to do it

thanks for the support, it's so strange cos we've never said they can't come or given visiting hours etc we just said if that she'll have her bath then feed then bed starting at 7ish... trying to think of them so they can have cuddles if they get round earlier!

Bizarre

Lucy