So you think you want to be a parent? The following test was sent to us by Robert Boyne and originally ran in a British publication.
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, take out 10 per cent of the beans.
Men and women: go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallets on the counter and tell the chemist to take everything. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salaries paid directly to head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it; itll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm, carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12ibs. At 10pm put the bag down; set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Set the alarm for 3am. Since you cant back to sleep, be up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Set the alarm for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick you fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this all morning.
Take can egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that. Buy a chocolate ice lolly and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a large coin, stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size pack of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the loo for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk/
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.
Learn the name of every character from Postman Pat and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing the theme song from Postman Pat at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, take out 10 per cent of the beans.
Men and women: go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallets on the counter and tell the chemist to take everything. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salaries paid directly to head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it; itll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm, carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12ibs. At 10pm put the bag down; set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Set the alarm for 3am. Since you cant back to sleep, be up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Set the alarm for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick you fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this all morning.
Take can egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that. Buy a chocolate ice lolly and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a large coin, stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size pack of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
Get ready to go out. Wait outside the loo for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk/
Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.
Learn the name of every character from Postman Pat and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing the theme song from Postman Pat at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
, like I can store it up or something!! 
