Struggling with negative feelings / jealousy

[gemloulau]

Hi All

As I said in the title, I am struggling with my current feelings toward my brother and his wife, I really don't want to feel like this because he is my brother and I love him dearly.

I'm hoping some of you wise ladies can kick me into shape.

My brother is 5 years younger than me. He and his wife got married a year before me and my OH did.

At the end of last year, they announced their pregnancy, just around the time that my first angel baby would have been due. I hadn't told my family about that miscarriage, whilst I was overjoyed for them, it broke my heart because I felt like it should have been me.

Around the same time, coincidentally, we both put our houses on the market. They didn't have much interest in theirs initially. We had loads of viewings but for various reasons 4 sales fell through - it was a very stressful time, we had got so far down the chain each time that our lives were boxed up and we were ready to go. Eventually the owners of the house we were buying got tired of waiting and they found another buyer. This whole thing went on for months and the stress and financial aspect really took it's toll on me and my OH.

When I found out that I was expecting Leo, we took our house off the market and decided to try again next year after he was born.

My brother and his wife had their little boy in April - just after I found out I was expecting Leo.

This week, they have moved in to their new home - a perfect family home back in the village where we grew up, close to our parents. It's a forever home, enough bedrooms to expand his family and they are so happy being there.

I am happy for them of course but it is really eating me up and I am starting to feel resentful. They seem to have everything they ever wanted with no hassle and here I am, heartbroken that I have lost my little darling boy, stuck in a house that I hate. I am totally and utterly miserable. I keep thinking how unfair it is, why can't I have my baby and the happy life, what have I done that is so wrong that means I don't deserve and it they do.

I know it is unfair for me to feel this way but I do, I haven't seen them since Leo was born. I can't face seeing my nephew (who I love) because it brings up such feelings of jealousy and resentment.

I don't know how to stop feeling like this, I love my brother so much but these feelings are eating me up.

xx

 

[gemloulau]

Sorry for the essay - just had to get it out xx

 

[mistyblue]

I know exactly how you feel, hon.

My sis is expecting her first in November and everything has been perfect for her. I lost my LO last week and, while I know it's not her fault, I can't help but feel resentful.

I have to believe things happen for a reason. I am envious of her, but she is my sister and I don't want to her avoid her or the baby when it's born. It's very hard, but I know I will get the baby I want one day, and when I do, I know it will be more loved than anyone can imagine.

I know it's hard when things seem so good for others, but stay strong. Don't avoid your nephew - I saw mine at the weekend. It was hard but nowhere near as hard as I thought. So sorry you have to go through this x x

 

[bluegirl]

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, it's horrible when these feelings come which are natural bt the way and are closely followed with guilt for feeling the way you do.

I sometimes feel the exact same way about my brother and his wife, in that everything seems to come easy for them. A while ago though I learnt I would never swap what I have for anything.

You are a very strong person and have learnt a lot from your experiences.

If you would forgive me I have a saying that gets me through, it's called the Serenity Prayer but if you remove the "God" part if can apply to anyone...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courange to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

It's got me through a few rough times and it makes you realise you can't control everything in life.

I hope it helps, if not on a religious way (and please don't take that the wrong way - I am not preaching in the slightest, just passing on a saying that was passed to me) then just on a universe level.

My heart really goes out to you, I think you are an amazingly strong person to go what you have gone through and keep fighting... there's not many that can say that xx

 

[gemloulau]

Thank you both, I'm so glad you understand. I really don't want to come across as being a b*tch, I do love them very much.

Thank you bluegirl, that is a lovely saying. I will try to keep it mind next time I have a pang of resentment. Thank you also for your lovely words, I don't feel like I am a very strong person to be honest.

I know I shouldn't put off seeing them as it will get harder the longer I leave it I just don't think I am quite ready yet. I do feel guilty because I don't want my feelings to cause problems with my relationship with my brother and his family.

Oh why is life so hard

xx

 

[laurat]

Oh your feelings are totally natural hone! You have been through such a horrendous time. Everyone would understand it. Dont be gard on yourself! It will take time for you!! Take care! Xxx

 

[cornishfairy]

I totally feel for you, think we've all felt like this as some point and its so hard with ttc and loss as its something not everyone knows about or talks about. Things like your house, job, relationship etc is kinda public knowledge with friends and family, but ttc and the heartbreak around that as well as in your case the loss of Leo is often unknown or not talked about, so I find personally those are the feelings that bottle up the most and make me feel isolated and sad at times. I hope things turn around for you soon, god knows you deserve it. Xxx

 

[Browneyed Girl]

I think it's perfectly normal to feel this way and it doesn't make you a bad person. You are grieving for your lost lo and its so hard to see others having what you've lost. IMO it's harder if its someone close to you so I can understand your feelings about your brother. I don't deal with hearing about other people's pregnancies well and if the person is quite close to me it hurts even more even though I should be happy for them. I have often thought that if my brother and his girlfriend told me they were expecting I'd be devastated because he's 8 years younger than me and I feel it should be me first - it's unreasonable I know but it's how I feel.

Maybe the thought of seeing the baby is harder because you think you'll have to put on a brave front and it'll be hard to keep it together? I'm sure if someone in your family explained to them why you've kept your distance (although I'm sure they realise anyway) and that you would like to see the baby but it may be very emotional and difficult for you, you could arrange to go over and feel less pressure to keep it together ifkwim knowing that they understand? That first time will be the hardest but I'm sure you want a relationship with that little baby and they will want you to also.

Selling a house is just the worst, it took me over a year to sell mine and I sold it for peanuts in the end just to get rid. It's tough still living there when you've mentally moved out and it sounds like you've had a lot of bad luck but your house must be very sellable to have had 4 offers so I'm sure it's just a matter of time (unless they all pulled out for the same house related reason?).

Don't be hard on yourself hun, you are a human being going through a tough time xxx

 

[gemloulau]

Thank you everyone, I don't know what I'd do without this forum. It helps so much to have people tell me that I am normal and that what I am feeling isn't wrong. I know I feel completely far from normal at the moment. Not that I wish this kind of pain on anyone, I am glad there are people like you lovely ladies out there to make me feel sane because you understand.

I'm going to have a chat with my brother and arrange to go and see them, I will warn him in advance that having some cuddles with my gorgeous nephew will undoubtedly open the flood gates just so they are prepared.

My house (flat actually) is lovely, we have spent a lot in doing it up, we're close to the beach in Bournemouth so it is in a great location. The problem stems from issues with the freeholder and his lack of attention to the outside of the building - it needs a lot of work and he just doesn't want to deal with it and that is what has put people off. So frustrating when it's nothing I can control. I was going to start legal action to force the issue but then I fell pregnant and decided to let it go for the time being. Maybe a good fight is what I need to take my mind of things right now so I may resume the cause!!!

Thanks again all of you, you are all such strong and amazing people.

xx

 

[Browneyed Girl]

Glad to helps to hear that others have the same feelings - you are definitely not alone in feeling this way.

It may make you feel better to take some positive steps regarding your flat, it's nice to have some control back. Can you get the other residents interested in taking some collective action?

And seeing your little nephew will be a step towards building up your strength again, it'll be difficult but I'm sure it'll be lovely at the same time with the right support

Good luck xx

 

[mylullaby]

I agree that you sound like an amazingly strong woman. You have an admirable ability to see things from another person's perspective (i.e. your brother) - even when you're well within your rights to want to curl up into a ball and shut out the world and everyone in it. That's an incredible strength if you ask me - and one that many people whose lives have remained remarkably trouble-free don't ever manage to achieve. You should be very proud.

It's completely understandable that you feel the way you do about your brother. I'd be exactly the same if I were you. But if you and him are anything like me and my bro, he'll probably be feeling hugely guilty about his whole life right now - because he sure as hell isn't any more deserving than his big sis! I just know that's how my brother would feel - and although I only know a teeny-tiny bit about you from reading your posts, I'd say that you have what it takes to reassure him that he shouldn't feel guilty despite your own heartache.

Just remember that there'll be people you know who are jealous that you have your man and wish they had the relationship that you had. They might think that what you've been through is a terrible thing, but it won't stop them being jealous of your marriage. It's funny - my SIL has been desperate for her and my bro to buy their own home for years now but they've been stuck in a bit of a renting rut. She gets jealous that I can put picture hooks in the walls of my own home or splash a little colour on the walls if I like, while I always envied the fact that she'd met her soul mate at 15 and had to wait until I was almost 30!

I know you'll have heard it a million times, but your time will come.

 

[dakaz]

I so share these sentiments too. I had a miscarriage in Feb this year and in April they found another empty sac... That made it 2 DCs in the same year.
Sincer my miscarriage, I have one friend who has gotten pregnant and the other who just delivered.

Sometimes it is hard, everywhere you turn there are only pregnant ladies around... Grrhhhhhhh... Sometimes I wonder is that to make me feel hopeful or to just irritate me...

 

[purplepebbles]

These feelings are totally normal. Even before I fell pregnant, I had these towards OH's sister. She never seems to struggle with things. She's had four pregnancies, two of which she aborted, she took less than 4 months to fall pregnant with both her children. She can afford not to work and be a SAHM, they have a lovely house all of which her OH has done up on the cheap because he works in the trade.

However with me, I've lost my Mum, I don't speak to my Dad. We own our own house (which used to be my Mum's) but still doing up as we have to save up to get things done or pay someone to do it. We struggled to conceive for over a year and then lost it at 9 weeks. When we do have our take home baby, I have to go back to work as we cant afford for me to stay at home. We will then have to pay for childcare whilst I do so, whereas she lives close enough to her parents for them to babysit when she needs to. She seems to have the ideal situation and everything falls in her lap whereas we have to work for ours and even then, not everything goes right. But it makes me the person I am. I'm determined not to let things get me down and everything that we own, we've done it by ourselves with no help from anyone. It sucks but it certainly makes you appreciate everything so much more.

Don't be too hard on yourself, as everyone else has said, you're going through a tough time and all these feelings will be totally normal. As I always say 'Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, then its not the end'.

Sending hugs to you. PM me if you need to chat xx

 

[mylullaby]

'Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, then its not the end'.

That's just so lovely.

 

[gemloulau]

Wow, thank you mylullaby you said some lovely things. I don't feel like a strong person!

Since I posted my OP I have spent some time with my brother and SIL and have had lots of cuddles with my nephew, the first time was heart wrenching and I spent the whole journey home in floods of tears but it is getting easier. He is so gorgeous, my heart aches for Leo but that's not their fault.

Purplepebbles - that is a really lovely saying, I'm going to remember that one

xx