Son's bond with granny

[kumber]

Ds's bond with his granny is brilliant, to the point where if she is around he has no interest in us whatsoever. He usually spends Sunday afternoons with her and when she drops him home, he is absolutely inconsolable. He doesn't even react like that when I leave, he cries like his heart is literally breaking.

What can we do to help it be less traumatic for him? It's awful to hear him so upset, he obviously finds it difficult to leave her, whether that be her dropping him off or us picking him up. I am clueless as to how to make it easier for him

 

[mylullaby]

Does she make a big fuss when she leaves? Could she slip away while you distract him with toys or something? I know granny probably likes to do kisses and hugs before she leaves but could she try something less obvious for a while? Same with when you leave theirs (although harder I guess) - rather than stand at the door / wave / make a fuss could she potter around in the kitchen / not be around while you guys get him out into the car, etc then he doesn't feel like he's missing out on "fun" time with granny because she's doing boring jobs anyway?! xx

 

[kumber]

We do that already, literally just one kiss, one hug, bye bye granny and gone. We've tried a fuss and we've tried walking away with a bye bye granny, see you next week and everything in between. He's not interested in toys, books, distractions, nothing, it's granny, granny, granny. He won't take his eyes off her, if he sees her he will fight and wail to get over to her immediately. Without meaning to sound melodramatic, it's almost as if he sees her as mummy

 

[Orion]

No Hun - mummy's are boring coz they're around all the time. Granny is only interesting because seeing her is a treat.

 

[kumber]

I kmow that's really what it is - granny is fun and different - it's just so hard hearing him cry I'm wondering was last night's upset due to him being poorly, he's very hoarse sounding and has cried his way through the morning and last night's upset was like the world has ended for him. I wish he could talk, would make things so much easier!

 

[Birdie]

I read some brilliant stuff by a child psychologist on acknowledging our children's big feelings and how this helps them mentally & emotionally process them, as opposed to what 99% of us understandably do which is to try and stop them being upset as quickly as possible with distraction & denial (there there, it's ok, don't cry etc)

So it recommended saying things like "you are really upset and sad, you were having a lovely time with Granny and now she's gone home and you miss her and feel really sad and angry" etc.... and just letting them be upset & get the feelings out and offering lots of cuddles if they want them... & since I started doing this with my toddler I've been amazed how he's reacted to me just acknowledging his feelings - it's like he thinks 'wow, mummy knows how I feel' .... It's horrible seeing them so upset but it's a very natural part of our development as human & feeling understood, especially before we are able to communicate properly helps, us develop a strong sense of self & emotional intelligence.

 

[kumber]

I had never thought about it that way Birdie but I really like that idea! Thanks

 

[Selina13]

I read some brilliant stuff by a child psychologist on acknowledging our children's big feelings and how this helps them mentally & emotionally process them, as opposed to what 99% of us understandably do which is to try and stop them being upset as quickly as possible with distraction & denial (there there, it's ok, don't cry etc)

So it recommended saying things like "you are really upset and sad, you were having a lovely time with Granny and now she's gone home and you miss her and feel really sad and angry" etc.... and just letting them be upset & get the feelings out and offering lots of cuddles if they want them... & since I started doing this with my toddler I've been amazed how he's reacted to me just acknowledging his feelings - it's like he thinks 'wow, mummy knows how I feel' .... It's horrible seeing them so upset but it's a very natural part of our development as human & feeling understood, especially before we are able to communicate properly helps, us develop a strong sense of self & emotional intelligence.

I think this is a really great point and I think it would be really useful for young children.
I hope it helps your little one. Xx

 

[Birdie]

This isn't exactly the same thing, but similar gist http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-raise-an-emotionally-intelligent-child_11946.bc?scid=mbtw_toddler_post21m_2w&pe=MlVFcDQ5M3wyMDE1MDUyOS00Nw..

 

[kumber]

Thanks hun, I have to say it makes a lot of sense and the link is really useful so we'll give it a go!

 

[OMGbabyno3]

I know how you feel, and I think that acknowledging their feelings is a great idea.

My DD1 is super attached to my mum and I may as well not exist when we're with her!

They still know who mummy is x

 

[kumber]

Thanks hun, I try not to get upset or jealous cus that's just silly but I don't think these stupid hormones are helping.

He had a bit of a cry earlier when his daddy left and I said "it's alright, daddy's gone but he'll be home later and you can play with him then" and he almost cut off crying instantly! I don't know if I said it the right way or it was just a fluke but I'm gonna keep trying with it.

 

[Birdie]

Wow that's great! Hope it continues to work.

The other thing that can apparently really help before they are verbal is to give them the word for what they are feeling, so "you are really sad that Daddy has gone out" ... or if it's anger or frustration, saying that. This helps them identify when they feel like that again & they learn how to deal with big emotions better.

 

[kumber]

Aaahh ok, I wasn't sure if that was something I should say but I'll try it too. Anything to help!

 

[Allthingsgirly]

I do wha Birdie suggested & it seems to work for the most part for us. My son is only 15 weeks old but if I verbalise to him that "mommy is just going to the toilet but grandpa is here whilst mommy gets back" he doesn't get upset because he knows I am not leaving him & have explained to him. The other day I just called home for some post & left him with my parents in the car & he screamed the moment I got out until he knew I was back. My dad was adamant it was because I didn't tell him I was coming straight back. I know your probably thinking well at 15 weeks he is too young to understand etc but I really do believe that my son understands in his own little way & it's just natural routine now to do this with him.

 

[kumber]

I agree, I do the same with telling him where I'm going and have noticed he co0es much better with it. It's amazing how much thry understand