so scared

[EllieC]

so scared yet excited, we have been given the go ahead to ttc, had a really bad time as lost my son a week after he was born as he was born with a virus similar to a cold- they are so fragile, he suddenly had a massive heart attack as it killed off his heart cells. We thought we had eventually had done it, our daughter was premmie and whilst healthy 4 yrs on still has to have check ups and has a leaky heart even after surgery, in 2009 we had a mmc at 15 weeks i was induced and between her and our son we had 2 very early mc, so when we had a perfect beautiful baby boy at term the relief washed over us, but it wasnt to be. We so desperatly want another baby but I miss him so much but no other baby will ever be him. However I am not only terrified of getting through the pregnancy but of labour and then after, I cannot help but think 'what next' silly i know but whilst i want this more than anything sometimes I am so excited and other times suffocated by what might go wrong this time round and i cannotbare to lose another child. , I have also recently had lletz for abnormal cervical cells, the dr says ok to try but it just seems like another thing. Its so confusing being excited of something i am so scared of and to have no control over such a powerful natural urge. sorry for the rant !!!

 

[BabyBrain]

Oh hun I'd say being scared would be so natural with everything you and your family have been through. My mum was the same when she lost my brother, he was 3 weeks old, and she fell for my sister. Have you had counselling for your bereavements? Even if you have it might be an idea to go again as ttc is enough of a rollercoaster as it is.
You've had some horrific experiences but that doesn't mean they would happen again. Keep healthy and as stress free as possible, we are always here to listen sweetheart xxxxxxxxxx

 

[EllieC]

Thanks babybrain, I go to SANDS every now and then and family and NHS have been amazing but I have never had councilling although we are talking about it. Thanks for your post it is reallysupportive and helpful. Thanks xx

 

[Sam's Mum]

I'm so sorry I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel. I totally agree with BabyBrain that counselling would be a good start, and also arranging to speak to a consultant about any worries that you might have might help. Even if there's no reason at all why you'd be considered higher risk than anyone else in a future pregnancy they may refer you for consultant care to be more closely monitored before and after birth. So, so sorry for your losses

 

[EllieC]

Thanks Sams Mum, I will have a consultant when and if it happens as i did with my son, its just so many different factors, not just 1 thing...arrrgh!!! PF has helped a lot tho even if it is just to get things off my chest!!!!

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

Oh my dear

I cry for you i really do xx

Its hard isn't it, when i speak to people who have had an early miscarriage, and they are SO excited to see the 12 week scan because that for them is one of the 'safe' bits... for me i wont have that. I lost my baby at 23+5 so i had done all the worry and had just got comfortable with the idea that i was going to have a healthy baby

and then it was gone.

I am terrified of being pregnant, terrified of the scans, i would happily never see another again.

But to have a precious baby and then loose it - Oh the grief must be overwhelming.

I am TTC again now too, this is my first cycle of giving it a go and though i am so excited to be pregnant, i am also very scared xxx

we are always here to chat - I hope your okay xx