So lost

[mistyblue]

Hi all,

It has been 12 weeks since my mc. I thought I was doing ok, but struggling again now. I think it is largely because my sister is currently in labour and I am sad for the things that should have been for us.

I have tried so hard to carry on and not feel sorry for myself, but I can't get excited about anything. We were looking to move house and I don't care about it. I usually love Christmas, but I don't want to think about it this year. I don't think I am ovulating and the stress of wanting to be pregnant and ttc again is so bad I can't sleep. I just feel like I am existing, not living and that my life has no real meaning. My DH was really upset by the loss, but he says if we don't have a baby, it's not the end of the world. I don't think he understands that it is for me.

I am also scared that I have missed my chance and that I will grow old and lonely with no-one, because my DH will eventually get sick of me and my nieces and nephew will not want to know me when they grow up, because I will be the old barren auntie that lives alone and that no one cares about.

I'm sorry to rant on here about this. I am tired and lost and scared, but I have to put on a brave face including for DH because he says I need to get over this. I just don't see a future in which I am happy. My life feels so pointless... I wish I could switch off my biological clock. Sometimes, I wish I knew for certain I would never have a family of my own. At least that might bring me some closure in time. As it stands, I am in this miserable place where I see no future for myself. Even my best friend is moving away.

Again sorry for the rant. I don't want to bring anyone down, but I have no one to talk to x x

 

[jensig]

I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. I hope it's perfectly normal to feel really low sometimes, even weeks after a miscarriage, because I sure do. I've had two friends announce their pregnancies in the last week, and they made me do jealous and then I felt small and mean. So I guess we're in the same boat.

On the other hand, try not to spiral into catastrophic thinking. It is a setback, but it doesn't mean that it'll never happen for us. I'm worried that you say you can't imagine being happy. Maybe you can try to focus on one thing that you enjoy doing right now, and then do that every week? Try to look forward to that and think about how good it makes you feel.

Take care. Sending hugs your way! X

 

[flisstebbs]

This is a great place to have a rant and let out some of these feelings. It must be so hard with the reminder of your sister giving birth. After my 4th mc last December I was convinced I was never going to have a baby, its a rough place to be. Like you, if someone could have just peeked into my future and told me how it was going towork out one way or another, it would have been easier.
I found out about some counselling through work and did 4 telephone sessions, and it really helped. In hindsight, talking to dh was the wrong approach for me, we both had some pretty horrible feelings to deal with (I lost a lot of blood in theatre after last mc), and in the end he got some help separately. Best thing we ever did and first time we have purposely been not completely open and transparent with each other.

I'm sure your sisters baby once here will be a source of comfort, my niece has been a fabulous way of keeping me sane.

Hope this horrible hopelessness passes soon, if not, please think about seeing your dr. Xxx

 

[Kaffee]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Having a loss really does mess with your emotions and the sadness sometimes lingers a lot longer than we feel it should.

After my 11wk loss in March we got ourselves in a horrible relationship place, almost broke up - I wanted to try again and OH wasn't convinced, my age (37) and his (43) made me think of every month slipping away and became really obsessive and not nice to live with as a result. I did a lot of soul searching and luckily did a course at work that made you think about your future self, which helped. So with that and some online reading about people being childfree against their choice all made me realise that life could be good without children and I really didn't want to lose him, which I was in danger of if I carried on behaving as I did. So I made a conscious choice to give him and myself a break, I stopped coming on here, OPKing etc. The space has done us the world of good and he's now fully back on board - intact he was the one to instigate the lets try again chat.

I'm sharing this, not because I think the same thing is happening to you / your relationship, but more as a suggestion that giving yourself some space away from thinking about getting pg, reflecting on the positives of what a future without kids could be like might give you the healing you need, ready to try again. You will get there you won't be a spinster on her own.

Hoping your feel better soon though. Big virtual hug being sent your way.

 

[Sunbeam638]

Sending you hugs xxx

I think I hit the wall in January after miscarrying in the August. I felt so low and thought oh would be better off without me it was horrible. Xmas was a hollow season for me and we got to breaking point, I eventually had a cry and told him how I felt, we decided to stop trying give it a while then we were going to go private. Once we stopped thinking about it all life became easier and I enjoyed my hobbies again. It's rubbish but sometimes you need to hit the wall to make you realise your not going to be a barren auntie but a fun loving one and DH I'm sure would be sad if he could read what I'm reading tell him how you feel and try and have a mini holiday I swear it will helpxxxx

 

[mistyblue]

Thank you all. I told DH I wanted to stop, even for a little while, but he says perhaps we should NTNP. I am not anti it, I just think I wouldn't be able to stop myself symptom spotting. Plus, I think I am becoming obsessive. If this was something else I was getting this worked up about, I daresay I would stop doing it.

I feel the best thing at the moment would be to stop completely. My nieces and nephew are lovely, but I am not that close to them. That's my fault, but my niece keeps asking me why I don't have a baby as I am over 30! I can't really explain to a 6 year old that I had a baby but it didn't grow as it should.

I think I am also upset, because today is CD14 and I am having AF type cramps and have had thrush (sorted now), but think, if I am ov'ing, I have missed it again or my cycles are messed up (again).

I am worried time is not on my side and I am not ready to face a future without children yet. I don't have anything in my life to replace that at the moment. Besides, my family are very children oriented and I will never get away from that. I took the job I have now because of mat leave (don't want to change it now for that reason). Sigh - tomorrow will be better, I hope x x

 

[her13]

bless you, i know how you feel its tough, i went through an awful time after my last mc i got severe anxiety panic attacks i even felt suicidal at one point , but i went to my gp and got myself on antidepressants etc and theyve helped me feel more normal , maybe thats somethin you could try ,i know some people arent keen though as i wasnt but couldnt carry on like that. i went through the obsessing too and people around me said it seemed to be makin me ill and oh wasnt happy, now he has gone away for 2 months with army so ive been forced to have a break and its actually been quite nice, try to explain to ur oh thats what you need to get your head straight (if thats what u want) i no ntnp still makes you obsess x x x x it does get easier as time goes on just dont be afraid of getting help if you need it, you can get counselling through your gp too.

also my cycles have just started to regulate and this is 8 months on so i believe stress does affect your cycles and ov etc , your bodys still recovering as its only been 3 months, you can ask your gp for a few hormonal tests though as i was worried the same as you and got 21 day bloods etc. good luck it really will get easier time is a healer x x x x

 

[her13]

theres no reason why you wont have a baby try to think that you will, i went through along time of accepting il never have children , but im tryin to practise positive thinking although its really hard, i asked my oh why he doesnt get upset as me about pregnancy announcements etc and he said cos i know we will have our own one day so i tryed thinking like him x x x x

 

[mistyblue]

Thanks all. I am feeling a little better. I know it sounds bad, but I was dreading seeing my newborn niece. I have seen her now and feel a bit more comfortable about the whole thing. I think I will see my doctor though - really not keen but I'm worried my feelings will spiral if not. Fx we all get our sticky beans soon. Sorry again for ranting x x x