Sleeping on the sofa with Granny

[WTT_june 2014]

Sorry this is just a bit of a ranty thread. But my MIL babysat while I went out with a friend during the day today and told me she had a nap with my son on the sofa. This really makes me angry, she's a midwife and must know the dangers of sleeping with a baby on you. I would never intentionally fall asleep with my baby, other than in as safe a way as possible I.e I take pillows off bed and use a thin sheet etc.

It fills me with dread that she might accidentally smother him and I know what she's like she'd sleep with him all the time if she could, so I'm guessing this wouldn't be a one off, unless I say something, but it's really difficult to raise the subject.

Does anyone else have this problem?

 

[Pumpkin9]

Not specifically this problem but my parents and in-laws both help with our childcare while We're at work and I've had to have polite but firm discussions with them on a number of topics. My mum and dad used to let my little boy sleep on them on the sofa but he was much older at this stage (talking 18months) anyway I had to tell them they couldn't do this because of bad habits etc and they've been fine with it.

Best thing to do is say you're not comfortable with it and please can she not do it in future and hope she listens.

 

[can]

Hi I don't have this problem but I'm surprised by your mil considering how much information out their about not sleeping on sofa with babies and she is a midwife!!! I know it's hard but think it's better to rAise it with her. End of the day it's your child and she should respect your wishes. You can't take a chance with things like that. Good luck.

 

[El1en]

Was it at your house? Could you say something like "if Lo needs a nap please make sure he goes down in his crib/cot/bed"?
My Lo takes her naps on my bed so I ask my mum to lie with her on there which is fine but if she goes to my mums house I used to take her poddle pod to sleep on and I guess now she's a bit bigger I'd take her travel cot

 

[WTT_june 2014]

Hi, thanks for all your replies. My son is only 13 weeks old, which is why this concerns me so much! Yes it's at my house that it happened while I was out. I don't mind him sleeping on her so much (although I would prefer him to sleep in his basket), it's her sleeping at the same time which I have a major problem with. It makes me just not want to leave him with her. I find it really difficult to confront her about this, I hate saying anything that people don't want to hear and I know for a fact she won't want to hear it. She really wants to mother him and i think she gets a lot of pleasure from him cuddling up to her while they doze (I know I would, but I'd never do it because of the risks). She constantly smothers him in kisses and she even said when I got home, "He's been very happy, sorry but he hasn't missed you one bit"!!!! Grrrrrr.

I guess I'm just angry that she really should and deep down probably does know better, but she just can't help herself.

I think I need to find my voice somehow in speaking up for my son, I just find it really hard. A few weeks ago I was with a friends mum and she had a cold and wanted to hold him, in my head I was saying please don't touch him and give him your cold, but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. Sure enough he caught the cold and it ended up ruining my fiancés birthday weekend as we were all supposed to be going away for the weekend but couldn't go because of the cold. All because I don't have the balls to stand up to people, agggghhh what's wrong with me??!!

 

[Baby2sky]

I used to be similar which is strange as im usually so outspoken but I felt for some reason I couldn't speak up about my daughter and what we wanted. However, some time it just clicked. You will find things like this happen A LOT unfortunately... People get involved in weaning, sleeping, how you discipline, what foods/drinks you want your child eating, what school you choose...and you do need to speak up. I was worried it would cause arguments or resentfulness, but so far none of that has happened.

 

[Pumpkin9]

We all understand Hun. No one likes having these conversations but the quicker you nip it in the bud the easier it will be and it won't turn into a big deal in your head.

As baby2sky said, people feel like they can get involved with everything and the only way to stop that is to be polite but firm.

I often tell our parents what we're doing as they have alternative views. My mil was fairly vocal about my lo not going to nursery as she never sent her two. If anything I would send him more now than the 1 day a week he goes as he loves it.

 

[tinselcat]

Hi hun, as a people pleaser I also find it hard to be assertive, but you know the voice in your head is right. I think you will find that the more you start to speak up and say what you're thinking, the easier you will find it as you will see that most people go along with your requests.

You know that it's dangerous to fall asleep in the situation with your baby and you are right to want to speak up about it.

I was doing some assertiveness training last week and they say that nobody can deny your feelings. So if you find it hard to bring up the subject then perhaps that technique is the easiest to start with.

E.g. I felt very upset when you told me you fell asleep holding the baby on the sofa, because it is easy to accidentally smother a baby this way. In the future, if you're feeling tired, I would like you to put the baby in his crib before you fall asleep, so that we can be sure he is safe.

It's a perfectly reasonable request and if she is a midwife then she should really know better. If she tries to bat it back, for example saying she would never be a risk to baby etc, then you could then try the broken record technique where you just keep repeating your request until she agrees. Don't get into a debate about whether or not she poses a risk or whatever.

If you find speaking up hard then maybe try thinking how would you react if someone made the same request to you, e.g. "I don't want you to cuddle the baby today because I worry he well catch your cold, but a soon as you're better you would be very welcome to give him a big hug!" - if someone said this to me I would happily go along with it without a complaint! Xx