*sighs*

[HannahD]

My emotions are all over the place at the moment. One minute i'm ok and all seems to be going on as normal, the next minute i'm crying so hard I can barely breathe.

I'm surrounded by such loving family and friends yet I feel utterly alone. My husband's of the opinion that it happened, it was very sad but we should move on and enjoy christmas. But how do you just switch it all off and move on? I've never felt so un-festive in my whole life. I can't even bring myself to write any christmas cards and wrapping presents today was so hard.
He did admit it's easier for him as he's not physically having to go through this, which is horrendous as everytime I go to the loo I'm reminded of what's happening to my body at the moment.

I'm trying to focus on the positive, that I now know I can get pregnant but if im honest, it really isn't that much of a consollation and i'm actually terrified of getting pregnant again as I don't know if i can go through this again.

Sorry to keep going on. It's just this is the only place where I feel I can be completely honest about how i'm feeling. I'm always putting on a brave face and normally deal with my emotions alone. Everyone is so sad for us and it's hard to really tell them how devastated I actually am about it all.

Thank you all for reading xx

 

[timsmom]

Try not to be so hard on yourself, its still very early days and you are still grieving. Perhaps your DH is finding his own way of coping with it, it doesn't mean he doesn't care. Have some

 

[HannahD]

Thank you hun,

I know it's just the way my DH copes with things but it does make it hard as I can't put a time limit on how long it'll take me to get over this. I know he's just trying to make me feel positive about the future but it's still such early days.

I wish i could let my emotions go but i'm always so worried about making other people sad when I cry. Silly really.

 

[Misslarue]

I can really relate to what you are going through


I would have been 12 weeks yesterday, I just can't stop thinking what if.........
OH is totally over it, tbh he was over it in a few days. He is sorry, but I guess he can't help how he feels and I would rather he be honest, however upsetting that is to me. It seems so much easier for him to move on.

This is a crappy time of year for it to happen. I will say it does get easier, that old cliche, but it is true!
Take all the time you need hun, no one will expect you to be full of the joys of Christmas. You need to grieve for your loss. Also don't think about making others sad! You need to think of yourself right now

I understand trying to see the postives too. I have been saying a similar thing myself! It took me 28 months to fall with Dan and my MC was only my second cycle of TTC. So I keep telling myself well at least it shouldn't take as long as last time!

 

[trixipaws]

aww i kno how u feel i have my boyf and my family but i still felt alone, especially on the wednesday when i went to hosp even tho it hadnt been confirmed at that point because that was before i got my boyfs and my mums blessings, at the time when it first dawned on me i might be mc i thought i was gonna be the only one to be sad about it- its what everyone else wanted anyway, i thought. even tho by the time it was confirmed things had changed and fallen into place my boyf comforted me and i think he was even sad too, but he was still not really affected the same as i was. i was VERY VERY up and down for at least 2 weeks. and i still have my off days (having one today!) it does get easier, i know it wont seem like it at the moment

 

[dina.marie]

oh hunny, big hug

my OH seemed to get on with things straight away whilst i hid under the duvet for weeks on end. i honestly thought it hadnt bothered him, until i few months ago we were talking about it and he burst into tears (OH is so not a crying person) and said its the most painful things thats ever happened to him. i realised they he may have not gone on about it as much as me but i know deep down how painful it was for him too and i think its a man thing putting on a brave face. so i guess what im trying to say is that im sure he's feeling it too and i wouldnt worry about him not caring because it really got me down thinking that.

things will get easier babe. but it will take time. and probably lots of time.

in the mean time, we're all here 4 u. xxxx

 

[emeraldsroses]

I'm so sorry I understand how you feel. The holidays are the worst. This year I've got to deal with mixed emotions as I'm pregnant at Christmas. I was also pregnant at Christmas last year, but didn't know that the baby had already grown wings and was watching over us. I should have a baby in my arms this year, but he's not here in body. Just in spirit.

Take care of yourself. Don't worry about what others think. You are the one dealing with the emotions and right now they are still fresh. I hope that you find others to help you process the grief. In the meantime, you've got us to vent out any emotions. We're here to listen

 

[reallyoldmum]

Hannah just take each day as it comes - I went through a loss last Christmas that was quite complicated and required numerous visits to the cosultant - my DH was pretty much the same as yours and I really got cross sometimes but then I realised that Christmas was only one day and my own mental health was far more important so went through the motions and got through it.

This year I am too tired to even care

Jane x

 

[ejjie]

Oh Dina I know how you feel. My friend has m/c twice before and grieved for a long time for the babies. When I had my loss last week she told me that as hard as it was for me to deal with, it is unlikely that my hubby will feel the loss like I do. She was so right, he dealt with it in a day and I felt like nobody understood me for 3 or 4 days of solid crying.

You have us to understand. Anybody who has been through a loss will understand you in a way that the rest of your family and friends can't. You're not alone, please don't feel that way

 

[buddabun]

Reading that first post honestly it could have been written by me. I DID get pregnant a second time and was terrified it would end. It did and it hit me even harder. But you DO come out the other end. It felt like I never would, all the consolations mean nothing when you have just lost a baby.

Thinking of you hon. Know that you are not alone - I for one have felt everything you've written there, right down to the o/h's view on it. If you need me I'm always a PM away. If not, just try to have faith that things will get easier.
xxx

 

[BabySols]

Everyone feels different about it hun but only you know when you feel ok and until then you have every right to grieve still. With my m/c i was "over" the grieving part in about a week to be honest, and have filed it away as a guardian angel baby that was never meant to be and so we are actively ttc again but i still know to the day how many days pregnant i would be now and still think about the "what ifs" so i think what i am trying to say is that even when you feel you are ready to move on again you will still have the memories and i am sure your oh feels the same but you are certainly not alone

 

[HannahD]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts, BIG to you all xx

I'm feeling much better today. I think it's helping that the bleeding's almost stopped (it's more like a period bleed now) and i'm not in pain anymore. I had a really good rest on Thursday and spent the whole day sprawled infront of the tv with a hot water bottle on my tummy!

I'm still grieving but it's getting less and less painful as the days go by. I'm talking loads to people about how I feel and I said to my husband today that he has to let me talk about it with him too as it was OUR baby that we lost, not just mine. He said he was scared i'd sink into a bad depression ~ a couple of years ago my ME relapsed and I lost the plot for about a year and I was badly self-harming. Thankfully, that never even crossed my mind, which was a great relief to him.

I actually managed to get out the house today and walked the dogs in the forest with my mum. It was lovely to be out in the fresh air and it was so peaceful.

I am feeling ready to try again without it bringing fear and dread whenever I think about it so that is hopeful. As people say, it'll be a new egg and new sperm so hopefully all will go well.

Again, thank you all so much for your help, support and kindness when some of you are also going through sadness in your lives. You are amazing women and you give me hope.

Love to you all xxxx