Should I withdraw/distance myself?

[Savi]

So just more than a year ago (http://www.pregnancyforum.co.uk/relationships/252635-intimacy-advice.html) I came to this forum with a question on getting some level of intimacy back with my wife a year after the birth of our daughter.

My story is unfortunately still very much the same and I've reached a point where I have to ask if it wouldn't just be better to stop trying and withdraw or distance myself in some way.

The long and the short of it is that since the birth of our daughter (now 2) our relationship has gradually just grown colder and more distant. I've been trying everything I know of and taken most advice to heart but I simply have not been able to get us back to something remotely resembling a healthy relationship.

I'd say we are doing brilliantly as parents and our daughter is blossoming, we are still friendly/polite with each other and there isn't any resentment but from my side it feels that the relationship as husband and wife is almost non-existent. And no, this isn't simply about sex or the lack of it. I'm concerned about our relationship as a whole.

As background to this post I'd like to relate two instances that come to mind:

In December after my initial post on this forum I tried to speak to my wife about the situation, her response was that she simply didn't know what I wanted or was expecting anymore. So I took the time, sat down and made a list of the most basic things I would have liked back in our relationship. We had a discussion about it and I could see her trying for about a month before she got consumed by work and others things again.

Two weeks ago we had a night off where our daughter slept over at her grandparents (this happens about once in 3 months) and we went out for dinner. All was fine while discussing pleasantries right up to the point where I commented that it was nice to be out on our own and we should really try to find more time like this for ourselves. Her response was to get angry and state that it is her choice to put our daughter first in everything, I tried to discuss this with her and point out that I wasn't suggesting that we abandon our daughter or care less for her in any way but we had simply hit a dead end. My wife refused to make eye contact with me for the rest of the evening and we didn't speak again until I broke down and apologised for being selfish on the Monday.

So, in my mind this just isn't sustainable. I've tried as much as I can to fix things from my side and I guess I've been avoiding this decision for as long as possible and I assume its a foregone conclusion.

Should I simply withdraw or distance myself from my wife and hope that she comes back to me in some way? I'm not talking about a divorce or moving out, I'd never consider these. Its more a case of giving up and accepting things as they are and waiting for her to realise this and decide to try.

 

[diane]

Sounds like a horrible situation. I understand where you are coming from. Ofc the relationship with your daughter is important but you deserve to have a relationship as partners rather than just parents.

I'm not sure what to suggest; maybe couples counselling? I think you sound like a very supportive husband and I just hope your wife comes round and sees that your marriage is just as important as being parents and although you say you can accept this right now, I would worry about the long term damage this is doing to your marriage.

 

[kinkers]

Do you do things as a family? Like, days out, trips away, long weekends etc. It sounds as if she doesn't really want to confront the issue. Maybe you could surprise her with a weekend in a hotel and take the baby with you and just let her know that you understand how she feels about leaving the baby at home. It seems like she has some underlying issues that she isn't talking to you about. It isn't ideal I guess and I know you need to spend time as a couple but perhaps she'll want to in time. I don't think withdrawing yourself is the answer - in time I think that you probably will start to resent her/the situation/the marriage. I'm not really sure what to suggest but I hope you can work it out and get your relationship back to the way it was - you sound like a wonderful husband!

 

[Savi]

Do you do things as a family? Like, days out, trips away, long weekends etc. It sounds as if she doesn't really want to confront the issue. Maybe you could surprise her with a weekend in a hotel and take the baby with you and just let her know that you understand how she feels about leaving the baby at home. It seems like she has some underlying issues that she isn't talking to you about. It isn't ideal I guess and I know you need to spend time as a couple but perhaps she'll want to in time. I don't think withdrawing yourself is the answer - in time I think that you probably will start to resent her/the situation/the marriage. I'm not really sure what to suggest but I hope you can work it out and get your relationship back to the way it was - you sound like a wonderful husband!

Personally I don't want to withdraw or distance myself in order to get anywhere. This situation has just been going on for so long now and I'm out of ideas on what to do next to try and fix it.

On the topic of going away or a surprise weekend, this tends to be difficult:

My family farm about 4 hours drive from us so long weekends tend to be reserved to go visit them and this is about the only time I get to see them or my parents their granddaughter. Of late this has become somewhat strained as well as my wife has this idea in her head that my family try to "ambush" her. The last time we went in August it was raining most of the weekend and the power was somewhat intermittent. On the farm no power entails no running water and my wife took it as a personal insult that we couldn't bath our daughter at the right time. Its petty but she tends to get so upset that we end up leaving early and me stuck with calls answering what they did wrong this time.

I've suggested weekends away or holidays, the 3 of us took a week in July and went to a national park. This was fine for the first couple of days but a 2 year old is a busy/demanding ball of fun and by the end of it we were relieved to get home.

We have a holiday planned with my family for a week in November, I'm scared its a bit of a last ditch attempt on their side. The place itself seems idyllic. Its a spa resort on our coast aimed directly at family with children. Everything is fully catered and child minders are included as part of the package. This was booked in January and as we get closer there are just more complaints. "Its 8 hours drive. We've never been there before and don't know how safe it is. I'm not handing over my child to a minder. What about the food?"

This is what complicates everything, my wife still feels guilty about leaving our daughter with anyone other than her day school teacher or her parents, not even going to bring up my family. As per the my original post and her choice she also has a sense of responsibility that simply does not allow her to relax. I've booked her days at a spa which she cancelled, I've bought her spa vouchers which are now just in her drawer and I've told her mom to invite her for a girls day which she avoided.

If I hazard to guess the underlying issue is specifically her choice and this sense of responsibility. She simply does not let go or let her hair down and the more I take on myself to enable her to do this, the more she finds to be concerned about.

As I said in my original post about our discussion at dinner, I'm not asking her to abandon our daughter to care for her any less, just some form of balance.

 

[Rachel80]

It sounds to me like she has withdrawn from you & maybe she is using your daughter as some kind of crutch - what I mean by this is perhaps she feels if she lets go some responsibility she will be forced to face you & the problems in your marriage? And by the sound of things she doesn't want to face up to things. It doesn't sound like a fun place for either of you to be. I understand why you don't want to give up but equally aren't you deserving of a happy marriage? Can you see this getting any better? Can you honestly see her snapping out of this? Or do you think she will become more & more distant? Can you handle this coldness & lack of connection? Because I know I couldn't. We all envisage a happy & loving family life, but it sounds like you're not there anymore. Perhaps if she won't listen you should write her a letter explaining how you feel & what you want as concisely as possible. This isn't what you want to hear but maybe she is scared of telling you what you dont want to hear through fear of hurting you & hiding behind your daughter so as not to face up to the reality of her feelings for you. Ultimately you both need to be happy & this means give & take on both sides. Good luck.

 

[kinkers]

Does she have friends? I don't want to be the bearer of bad news or anything but I can only see this getting worse if nothing is done soon. She doesn't sound like she's happy from what you've said, and she doesn't sound as if she is very sociable. You need to let her know that it's ok for her to have time to herself, it will do your daughter and your wife the world of good. How you do this... I'm afraid I don't know. Do you think she may be suffering from depression? Do you think she would go to a GP, maybe with you? I think writing a letter is a good idea like Rachel suggested!

 

[mylullaby]

I think a letter would be a good idea too. From what you've written here, it's obvious that you'll be able to put your feelings down on paper in a way that's clear, yet sensitive. It's also clear that you love her and you care for the relationship - if you didn't you'd have left already without bothering to seek help on a forum. The important thing is that you are both happy and from what you've said, you're pretty miserable. It sounds like you've done as much as you can without outside help, so why not suggest that you and OH get some relationship counselling? www.marriagecare.org.uk is a charity that helps couples and I know they'd be my starting point if I was having problems. Best of luck.