should i split with my boyfi

[welshsarah4eva]

im fed up of him making promises only to break them an hour before. he never come to the drs with me, he never come to the first midwife appointment with me. he keeps upsetting me. in 3 weeks iv cn him for 20 mins. that was the day i was thinkin of getting rid so i rang him for a chat andhe was in my area playing pool so he come up during a break!!! he knew i was upset cos he cudnt stop me crying. enuf come to enuf when yesterday he had promised to come up and see me but an hour before i was expecting him he texted me saying he couldnt come because hes going away for a few days. hes relli bein a prat. i hate him.
i dont no wat to do because my life is such a mess already and all im getting off him is broken promises. x

 

[Sherlock]

I think you need to be realistic and put you and baby first. If he is as he is now, can you really see him improving and making more effort as time goes on? Having a baby is more important than a game of pool in my book, I think his priorities are somewhat misplaced.

He seems to mean well, but all talk and no actual action make me think in the long run, he is not going to be someone you can really rely on. I don't think you need to expect him to attend all the MW appointments and so on with you though. I'd expect and hope my Bloke to come to my scans but for the rest, I don't see the need for him to be there in these early stages.

You don't say how old he is or how long you have been together. I think you both sound quite young, so maybe he is finding it difficult to get to grips with you being pregnant, or on the other hand, he may simply see it as not his concern till the baby is born. Some men can be very detached about such things. Or he could just be wanting to carry on and live his life as he is doing and not have it change. Also you are of course going to expect, want and need more emotional support from him and he just doesn't sound like he has a clue how to give that.

I think he needs to be more available to you to spend time together. An evening or two a week is not much to ask, and a weekend day or something, but if he isn't prepared to give you that, or to make some kind of effort and commitment, I'd say do without him. You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself and your baby. Pitching up to see you during a break from pool is not good enough.

Think long and hard and when you decide make it stick. If its staying with him, I think you need to expect and get more commitment from him. If he can't give you that after a few weeks and maintain it, then move on. Even if it is difficult and upsetting, its better in the long run. If you choose to end it now, then make a clean break, but keep it civil if you can. He is this babys father and if he wants to be a part of his/hers life and financially support you, better he does it willingly than having to chase him through the courts. Slanging matches never helped anyone.

Good luck.

 

[welshsarah4eva]

im 20 and hes 22. i would never not allow him to see the baby. i understand what you are saying and thank you for your reply. im going to ask him when he returns to have a good chat with me about things and i will tell him i want him to be more committed and if he isnt able to manage that i will tell him i need to seriously think about us and our baby. iv been with him for 6 months but known him 2 yrs. the baby was a shock but the baby will be loved none the less. i no im able to give the baby everything it deserves and give it the best life possible even if we are not together because at the end of the day the LO comes first!

 

[Babylicious]

TBH sounds like you need to finish it with him, unless he drastically changes. Think of you and baby and the stress he's causing you

 

[bumpmakes3]

From what I've seen some men find it pretty difficult to adjust to the idea of being a father and the way that impacts on their "freedom". I know you've not been together long but it could just be that he's having trouble adjusting.

I think it's a really good idea to sit down with him and discuss what this baby means to both of you. I agree with sherlock that there's no pressing need for him to be at every single appointment with you - scans yes but midwife visits etc. probably not necessary so early on but you need to let him know in what capacity you expect him to be there for you and your baby. He then needs to tell you whether that is possible or not from his point of view and if not then what he is actually prepared to do by way of supporting you both emotionally, financially or otherwise.

Maybe if you both love each other and want to bring this baby up together but are still struggling with commitment issues etc. you could look at the idea of couples counselling? Best of luck to you anyway and try not to stress out about it too much. I'm sure you'll be a fab mum with or without him

 

[bobtheunfortunateone]

I say "Kick him in the bits" only joking

He needs to get some balls though! It took two to make this baby and he needs to decide what he wants, to be a good dad and boyfriend or play pool and shrug of his responsibilites. Only he can decide. But you are the one that needs the support. so what if he as trouble with becoming a dad, I am sure it is not plain sailling for you. You deserve so much better. Tell it to him straight!

 

[bobtheunfortunateone]

lol midna, at least he won't be fathering anymore kids then, in the near future! I think we are abit mean, maybe just thump him in the bits!

 

[muppetmummy]

I think you both need to sit down and talk. If he wants you both to continue in the relationshp he needs to be there more.
If he wants to carry on acting as he has been, you'd be better off without him.
Better to get this sorted one way or the other now, before the baby arrives

 

[Becs]

Hello Hon,

A lot of way you are feeling is generated by not feeling in control of your life, all these broken promises leave you uncertain all the time. I have been there. You have already given him all of the information he needs, it's time to take the power away from him and tell him it's over. I promise you, if he wants to be with you he will come chasing you back. But be prepared for it to take a month to sink in that he has lost you. In the meantime you can start getting your life in shape how you wan things to be without worrying all the time about and unpredictable other half. It sounds like a horrible solution and a risk, but if he doen't come chasing you back then you will know you haven't lost anything because what sort of relationship would you have with someone who is not prepared to fight for you. I am talking from experience and it worked out for me. My husband is an amazing partner who never takes me for granted because he nearly lost me, it helped him to realise how serious he was about me.

The best thing you can do is tell him it's over but be very sweet when you speak to him and when you see him after that. Try to seem really content without hm even if it is an act. You'll seem utterly desirable to him and he'll be kicking himself. This is so hard to do but it works!

If you fancy reading the book that inspired me and saved my relationship it is called 'the rules'.

I really hope htis works out for you

 

[jue]

I am not going to try to tell you what to do, you will make your own mind up one way or another.

Look inside yourself, and be true to YOU!!!

Best of luck,

 

[muppetmummy]

Hello Hon,

A lot of way you are feeling is generated by not feeling in control of your life, all these broken promises leave you uncertain all the time. I have been there. You have already given him all of the information he needs, it's time to take the power away from him and tell him it's over. I promise you, if he wants to be with you he will come chasing you back. But be prepared for it to take a month to sink in that he has lost you. In the meantime you can start getting your life in shape how you wan things to be without worrying all the time about and unpredictable other half. It sounds like a horrible solution and a risk, but if he doen't come chasing you back then you will know you haven't lost anything because what sort of relationship would you have with someone who is not prepared to fight for you. I am talking from experience and it worked out for me. My husband is an amazing partner who never takes me for granted because he nearly lost me, it helped him to realise how serious he was about me.

The best thing you can do is tell him it's over but be very sweet when you speak to him and when you see him after that. Try to seem really content without hm even if it is an act. You'll seem utterly desirable to him and he'll be kicking himself. This is so hard to do but it works!

If you fancy reading the book that inspired me and saved my relationship it is called 'the rules'.

I really hope htis works out for you

This is great advice and very true. It worked for me too. When I fell PG with James it was totally unplanned and not great timing. (OH and I were living in a single room in a house share at the time and had just been turned down for a mortgage).
When I told him I was pg he freaked out and told me to have an abortion or the relationship was over. I think he was expecting me to do as he said, because he was totally shocked when I left him and fell to bits.
He eventually came crawling back a couple months after James was born admitting he'd made a huge mistake. Now he's a fantastic partner and father and wouldn't change being a dad for the world.

What Becs has suggested can work, and like she said, if he can't be bothered to get you back, you know that you're better off without him becase there will be someone else out there who will treat you so much better

 

[jue]

I am not going to try to tell you what to do, you will make your own mind up one way or another.

Look inside yourself, and be true to YOU!!!

Best of luck,

 

[muppetmummy]

Hello Hon,

A lot of way you are feeling is generated by not feeling in control of your life, all these broken promises leave you uncertain all the time. I have been there. You have already given him all of the information he needs, it's time to take the power away from him and tell him it's over. I promise you, if he wants to be with you he will come chasing you back. But be prepared for it to take a month to sink in that he has lost you. In the meantime you can start getting your life in shape how you wan things to be without worrying all the time about and unpredictable other half. It sounds like a horrible solution and a risk, but if he doen't come chasing you back then you will know you haven't lost anything because what sort of relationship would you have with someone who is not prepared to fight for you. I am talking from experience and it worked out for me. My husband is an amazing partner who never takes me for granted because he nearly lost me, it helped him to realise how serious he was about me.

The best thing you can do is tell him it's over but be very sweet when you speak to him and when you see him after that. Try to seem really content without hm even if it is an act. You'll seem utterly desirable to him and he'll be kicking himself. This is so hard to do but it works!

If you fancy reading the book that inspired me and saved my relationship it is called 'the rules'.

I really hope htis works out for you

This is great advice and very true. It worked for me too. When I fell PG with James it was totally unplanned and not great timing. (OH and I were living in a single room in a house share at the time and had just been turned down for a mortgage).
When I told him I was pg he freaked out and told me to have an abortion or the relationship was over. I think he was expecting me to do as he said, because he was totally shocked when I left him and fell to bits.
He eventually came crawling back a couple months after James was born admitting he'd made a huge mistake. Now he's a fantastic partner and father and wouldn't change being a dad for the world.

What Becs has suggested can work, and like she said, if he can't be bothered to get you back, you know that you're better off without him becase there will be someone else out there who will treat you so much better

 

[welshsarah4eva]

thanks for all your advice guys. me and him split today. i rang and sent messages for the past two days and he completly ignored me. he knew i wanted to talk to him
today i told him its over and he didnt flinch, i think he was happy he got out. i feel so upset i have no idea how the hell im goin to manage with three kids on my own (thats if i pass the assessment) ill be ok for money and things its just 3 children under the age of 6 and im only 20. its a scary thought and i know i will struggle and do it somehow i just dnt want it going against me in the assessment for the girls i dont have a partner my head is such a mess right now !

 

[jue]

Sorry that you are going through all of this.

On the brighter side, if you do pass the assesment and take your sisters, you can get loads of support from social services.

Also if you have Surestart they can offer loads of support too, they have volunteer's (I am one), who come round, sometimes just for you to talk to, but they can help you with trips out etc.

Being rather cynical, here, but dont be afraid to help social services for help if needed, remember, it will cost them more to keep your sisters in care than to place them with you, so they should offer you the support you need, its all about budget with them

 

[Tillytots]

just wanted to send you these hun

 

[muppetmummy]

It's probably for the best hun, you'll be much better off on your own, than with someone you can't rely on. You'll meet someone fantastic one day

 

[welshsarah4eva]

actually i feel ok today. im glad its over in a way cos now i wont get any broken promises that upset me constantly

 

[Bee]

Hope you are ok - I recently split with my bf too, before I found out I was pregnant and I know I am better off without him

You know you have us on here if you need to talk

 

[Steelgoddess]

the advice abnove has been fantastic so i won't really rehash it.

I wish you all the best but will say he needs to make a decision and that is to either stick by you and be there and if he can;t do that then you need to show him the door!

xx