HELP HELP HELP

Discussion in 'First Trimester' started by dani200420052000, Apr 30, 2005.

  1. dani200420052000

    dani200420052000 Well-Known Member

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    :cry:
    . I have had a bit of a dilemma on my hands. I have no1 to talk to about his. I am just wondering if you can help. Can you remember before when I told you ALL that my partner knew I was pregnant. Well I was lying I am sorry for that. He has no clue. I am currently 9wks pregnant. I really do not know how to tell him. He thinks that I am on the pill. Well her goes.
    We have been together for just over a year and live together and everything is great. Hes parents and family live quite far away and never sees them- well he does on Christmas. I am 19 nearly 20 in July and he is 26 and 27 in August. So really he Is not getting any younger. He has a little girl from a previous relationship, he lived in France when He was 16 nd got he girlfriend of the time pregnant...... He was shocked and thought he was too young for this, hes girlfriend had the baby and he tried hes best for the 1st few month and just lost it and he thought that he was to young to cope. Then what was hes girlfriend became hes ex moved back to her home country Germany and he moved back to hes home town of Cumbria. Hes ex would never let him keep in contact with hes little girl no photos/ birthday cards or nothing! So he learned that fact that he had to move on. But he would always keep hes little girl in hes thoughts. Then he went travelling and met a girl called Suzanne and moved up to Newcsatle upon tyne with her. They were together for nearly a year then split.
    I got a new job and ther he was absolutly gorgeous I thought that he was way out of my leauge. All work friends went out on nights out and everyine bacame friendly. But that was it. After a few months I realised that the job was not for me and moved on and got a job elsewhere. Then 4 days later I got a text on my phone asking if he could take me out. So fair enough we went out an got on really well. 2months later he had quit hes job and i started to support him. Paying for hes rent/ food and nights out. This happened for 6month, then i relaised that i could not afford tompay for 2 places. Ar my mums and hes and I explained that I was struggling to do both. So he asked me to move in. I thought that It was far too soon. But tried to think of all the good reasons. So I moved in in the October. Then In theJan I found Out I was preg. I was on the pill. I think I forgot to take it 1 or twice. I told him straight away. He was shocked and so was I. But we thought of all the reasons why this happened and decided to keep the baby. 3 weeks later I had a misscarriage. Jan 26th. I was devastated... he did not speak about it. He just kept saying everything would be ok. Baring in mind the little girl he still is not allowed to see. She is 9 now.
    The misscarriage really cracked me up and all i wanted was a baby but i did not tell him this. I never went back an the pill and start trying again without him knowing. Now i am pregnant. I found out at 5wks and have hid it from him ever sicnce. I know it is such a lie but i relly do not know how to tell him. I am now 9 wks and starting tio put the weight on and really need to tell hom but am scard. Can any1 help?
     
  2. xmasangls

    xmasangls Well-Known Member

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    HI, I think the fac that you have been lyine to you BF, means that maybe you are unhappy about something,
    Since your BF thinks you are on the pill, the only way (unless you tell him the truth) I can think of to tell him to to say that you got pregnant on the pill, it does happen, (as you already know)
    Or you could tell him that whikle grieving over the misscarriage you subconsuchly decided that you wanted to be a mum,

    Its really your choice to make, how you tell him,but in all fair ness he needs to know, and soon,
    maybe he will be over joyed at the prospect, but also scared to
    But to know how he is feeling you need to tell him,
     
  3. Rosebay

    Rosebay Well-Known Member

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    Hi,

    you're due three days after me :). I'm getting bigger too although I've lost quite a bit of weight over the last few years so I think people probably just think I'm putting it back on again! I wouldn't worry too much about telling your BF. If he was happy about your previous pregnancy there's no reason he'd be unhappy about this one. Maybe as Xmasangls said you don't have to be totally honest about not taking the pill- I can't see that he really needs to know that right now or ever really, what's done is done and now you're pregnant- hooray! This is probably sexist and people will disagree but even with the best will in the world I don't think men can totally understand how women feel about having babies or just how it feels to have that new life inside you. His reaction after your tragic miscarrage was very probably just an inability to understand the impact it can have on a woman. A lot of men also find it hard to express their feelings about such events, especially if they've been brought up to be masculine and "strong" rather than encouraged to let their feelings out. He's obviously got some issues to do with his 1st child- has he ever talked about how he feels about the little girl he knows nothing about? That's terribly sad not to have any contact at all and he may have fears and worries about how good a father he'll be when you tell him your happy news. This is my first baby too and my husband is petrified- probably above all other emotions- at the moment. Everything possible to worry about he's worrying about. He thinks he's going to be a bad father, that they won't like him, that he won't know what to do with the baby, that he'll lose me as a friend, that I'll become someone he doesn't have anything in common with anymore, that our lives willl become boring and dull, that he'll have to do work he hates and will resent us, that I'll die in childbirth and leave him with a baby he knows nothing about, that the baby will be unwell etc etc etc etc. In a way he's doing so much worrying that I feel that I don't really have to and so feel quite calm about the whole thing! Ironic eh? Thing is that deep down I know it'll be ok, and if things are difficult we'll get through it and if not then we'll deal with it one way or another. So far being pregnant has made me feel immensely strong as a woman- we can cope with an awful lot because we were naturally made to deal with these strong emotions and to do the best for our babies. You sound like a very strong woman and I'm sure it'll be ok when you tell your bf and that even if he does freak out a bit (as I'm suspecting most expectant fathers do- though some hide it better than others) you can handle it.

    Good luck :)
    +++
     
  4. catherine23

    catherine23 Well-Known Member

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    If you want this baby for all the right reasons then you need to give it a good start in life, parents that are behind him/her. No more lying you dont want your pregnancy based on this and im sure nore nos the baby.

    If you are going to have a proper relatioship with this man honesty is the only way! You need to tell him what you went through the pain etc. If he really loves you he will understand. You can then move on and grow a stronger relationship for you and you baby.

    You can then have a normal pregnancy getting excited together. There reallly are far to many broken homes and familys these days. lying causes most of it
     
  5. newbump

    newbump Well-Known Member

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    I have been with my BF for 3 years and he also has a daughter he has not been allowed to see, he was always against ever having another child because he was heart broken when his little girl was taken away from him 8 years ago. Eventually he started to change his mind, but I have always been honest with him. I think if you are going to both be parents then you have to tell him the truth, you can not start with a lie about how it happened, you have to be honest about this, he will respect you more if you are, but if you lie and one day you slip up and tell him the truth, he will wonder what else was a lie. Getting pregnant is a huge thing, and if you both want to be happy with it then just come out and tell him!

    Short and sweet, maybe the best way, let him take it all in and wait for him to ask you the questions, like how did it happen etc!

    Well hope whatever you decide to do, it all works out ok
    Take care
    Natalie
     
  6. futuremum

    futuremum Well-Known Member

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    Hi!

    When I found out I was pregnant, the first thing I did was to tell my BF. I knew he would not be overjoyed because he already told me he did not want any children before a couple of years time but still I thought the best way was to tell him. We have only been together for a bit more than 2 years and our relationship is not "great" as for some other couples. At first he was shocked but then realised that we are both 28 and we could make good parents. He told me he would support me whatever decision I will make but after a few days, asked me to keep the baby. ( as for support I don't think this will happen)
    So if you have a good relationship with your BF, it should be ok, tell him because you will need some support from him and yes lying is not the best thing to feel good with yourself.

    good luck!
     
  7. dacocado

    dacocado Active Member

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    Bottom Line ... you need to tell him. Honesty is what matters. God gave you a gift. How your BF takes it is up to him. He will have a right to be shocked and possibly angry ... but give him his space and be honest. He will eventually come around, especially with his previous loss of contact with his daughter. I don't see him wanting to go through that again. Whatever you do, Don't force him to feel anything specific. Let him absorb things, give him his space, and let God guide you both through the path that was meant to be. Your BF will eventually embrace you or let you go ... whichever has nothing to do with the fact that you have a living miracle growing inside of you. you do not need the stress, and you need to be healthy and strong. The right things will work themselves out.
    BELIEVE and PRAY! Best of Luck and God Bless!

    P.S. A word of advice ... no more secrets or lies in your future, regarding anything, it can only lead to problems!! Trust in the truth, it always prevails!!!!!!!!!!


    ST 37y
    DT 37y
    married 11/21/92
    DRT boy 7/15/94
    CJT boy 8/26/97
    CET girl 11/23/99
    MC (D&C) 8 weeks 11/02
    blighted ovum (empty sac 6weeks and D&C 10weeks) 10/03
    Miracle#4 due 11/16/2005
     
  8. dani200420052000

    dani200420052000 Well-Known Member

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    Hi All!

    Thanks for all your turthfull replies. I have told my partner... the truth and the whole truth and how i felt when i miscarried... He was shocked and did not know that i felt this way.

    He was pretty upset that i did not talk to him and deep down inside he felt the same...

    He is so happy that we are going to be parents... things are great between us. That great that he came home from seeing hes brother for 2 days and asked to marry me.. So hey I am now engaged AND PREG AND COULD NOT BE HAPPIER.

    Thankyou for all your thoughts.
    Love Danielle xx
     
  9. dani200420052000

    dani200420052000 Well-Known Member

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    Hi All!

    Thanks for all your turthfull replies. I have told my partner... the truth and the whole truth and how i felt when i miscarried... He was shocked and did not know that i felt this way.

    He was pretty upset that i did not talk to him and deep down inside he felt the same...

    He is so happy that we are going to be parents... things are great between us. That great that he came home from seeing hes brother for 2 days and asked to marry me.. So hey I am now engaged AND PREG AND COULD NOT BE HAPPIER.

    Thankyou for all your thoughts.
    Love Danielle xx
     

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