Claire,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. You've not been able to give much information for me to try and research which chromosomal abnormality your baby may be most likely to have, but from what you say, it does sound most like Down's. People with Down's or Turner's syndrome can often have a relatively normal and healthy lifespan. Turner's only affects girls. I have known 2 girls with Turner's Syndrome and both were pretty girls with normal intelligence (if a lot wiser than their years!). I also have a good friend with Downs, in her 40s, who lives in her own flat. Edwards Syndrome is 'incompatible with life', however.
Until you have all of the facts and know for sure what abnormality your baby has (when you have the test results back), then you can't really come to any sort of "decision". You already have children. You have to find out what you can about the particular syndrome your baby has - what effects that might have on his/her future health and development - and weigh that up against what you feel you could cope with as a family. Only then can you make any sort of decision. You certainly shouldn't be expected to agree to a termination before you've even had your diagnostic test results back.
I wouldn't be panicked by the thought that you can't have a surgical termination if you don't make a decision within a day (that advice seems outrageous!). Please take your time. Have people you trust with you (preferably someone as well as your partner and who isn't the baby's grandparent) when you meet the doctors because you might not be able to take in what they are saying and you need someone who can ask the doctors questions on your behalf, or to remind you what was said later on. At the very least, think of a list of questions and write them down before you meet the doctors and make sure you raise them. The doctors should spend as much time with you as you need - especially if they're expecting you to terminate.
Doctors are at their work. I'm not saying that none of them are compassionate, but they are detached from your situation. If they suspect chromosomal abnormalities, their first response is to medically manage a "problem" (that is, usually to terminate a pregnancy as quickly as possible). On the other hand, you are an expectant mum who has bonded with your baby for many months. You and the doctors are coming from completely different perspectives. Don't allow them to rush you into anything with their views - just because they're the professionals doesn't mean that they always know what is best for you. I'm not suggesting for one moment that the doctors will have their diagnosis wrong once they get the lab results back, I'm just saying don't allow them to rush you into a termination within a day or two just to suit their schedules. You need time to think.
I believe (and this is only a personal opinion, so please feel free to disregard it) that it is more therapeutic and medically safer for a woman to go through labour and giving birth (in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters) than to have surgery, even when she has decided to end her pregnancy early. When you are given the diagnosis of severe abnormality, then your ability to make a "choice" or a decision has been taken out of your hands. You are not choosing to terminate your pregnancy (because of course, you want to still be pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby). You are weighing up what you think you can cope with as a family in terms of having a child with lifetime developmental/physical health issues. Although some people have opinions on what is the "right" thing to do in those circumstances, only you and your partner can decide what is right in your circumstances. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Even if you do decide to end your pregnancy early, going through labour helps you mentally prepare for your baby (even if you have to lose him or her, this is importnant). Giving birth would allow you (and your family) to meet your baby, see what she or he looks like, cuddle him or her and to say 'goodbye' properly, which is a very important part of the healing process.
A number of women on here have sadly been in a similar situation to yours during this trimester recently. Take up Tracey's kind offer of support and perhaps read how some of the others have coped since (for example, Anna B).
I'm thinking of you at this stressful and sad time and hoping that the outcome is somehow not as bad as you first feared.
Love,
Wendy
xxxx
