s*** day and its only just started

[niknaks]

my oh has a cousin who had a daughter with a complete cow and left her when she was pregnant. so my oh decided to step in and take guardianship and now the girls 14 and my oh sees her as his own and she even started calling him dad. i dont mind it all but sometimes i just feel that he puts her before me and our baby. and its so frustrating cos whenever her and her mum need anything hes always there for them and they're starting to take the piss. shes always whining about wanting stuff to him but when i need things for the baby i get we have time and when i say something hes like shes been in my life longer. i wanna provide for them both equally blah blah blah, but sometimes it doesnt seem that way. but to be fair he does spend majority of his time for me and i know if god forbid something was to happen to this baby hell be their in a flash, it just annoyd me when we argue he'll say stuff to hurt me then he feels guilty and does evetything possible to make it up, but im gettng fed up of it all now. ive got this baby to think about and i dont care about any other child at the moment apart from this one im carrying, hes not even here yet but he my life. but anyway, the stupid cow decided to take her daughter out of school because her daughter said shes not learning anything and the teachers are rude, this is also the 3rd school shes been in since she was 11 cos she keeps changing, now she hasnt been in school since before the summer hols as everywheres full and her old school hasnt sent her report to the school she wants to go to and her mums not doing anything. now my oh took off today to sort it out which he also did last week and nothing seems to been done. also my oh hasnt got the best of jobs and is training for a higher position but when he takes days off he doesnt get paid and its harder for him to get another shift and its always me who ends up paying for bills and his insurance, but this month i had to pay off a few of my bills so were a bit skint. so i confronted him about it and he was like i cant just turn my back on her how would you feel if you needed me for the baby and i turned my back on you 2. i never even said anything about turning his back on her. then on sunday is my cousin whos moving to australias leaving do and shes just got a whole load of baby stuff incl cotbed, moses basket, baby bath which she doesnt need for her sons anymore. now hes like hes gona get more hours this weekend incl sunday but i think itll be disrespectful to her if he doesnt come too seeing as shes given us all this stuff, and i said cant he do a double shift and why is he taking time off for his niece and not for me. but hes like shes more important than a party. im just so pissed off, we hardly ever argue and when we do its about her. maybe i am being selfish i dont know, but all i want is for my son to have a good life

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I dont think your being selfish at all id be exactly the same, if not worse! cant you talk to the girl's mother? i know hes taken her on as his own but shes not his responsibility.. hes acting like her dad.. wheres her real dad?? why cant he do all this for her?? seems like they are taking the piss out of ur OHs good nature. (i know a few may disagree with me but this is my point of view if i was in that situation) they need to know that your baby is number one and needs a full time dad not a part time one. im sure once the baby is born he will put him first.. I do think he should at least make an apprearance at the leaving do if only for half hour and go back to work or something... or maybe when he has time off to go for a private drink with your friend?xx

 

[Hemera]

Firstly I don't like playing devils advocate but...

I really admire him - hes taken guardienship of this girl on seems to be taking it seriously. Thats the kind of devotion and loyality thats really admirable especially as its not his child. He's taking his responsible role seriously and he will do exactly the same when your child is here too. Sounds like you've got a good man!

Regarding work - if taking time off is an issue for him then it may be worth seeing if he can sort out things in his spare time/ between shifts, however with schools normal working hours usually do clash so this may not have been possible. If bills are an issue and he can get extra hours then thats a good thing surely - even if it means he has to miss the leaving party hes working hard for you and the baby.

A man who makes a commitment to something and carries it through even when its hard is someone you want to keep, and he will be exactly the same with regards to you and the baby.

Obviously I don't know the full situation but this is just my view based on what you've said here, and as long as he is spending time with you too

 

[niknaks]

his cousin buggered of as soon as he found out she was pregnant and no ones heard from him since my oh took responsibilty, and theres no point talking to her mum either cos she hates anyone my oh has ever been with. especially me cos hes moved closer to me and if i ever need him hell drop everything. i just hate seeing him get used. hes such a carin person all this shows it, and im just hoping hell be different when the baby's here. i dont mind him coming for a little bit, i suppose if it does make him some money, just annoys me that he took the whole day off,and her mum doesnt work, she just hasnt got a way with people, shes brazilian and very feisty so doesnt really know how to talk to people. also with his spare time he normally has weekends and wednesdays off, his work will only give him overtime now and again. plus this wednesday were going to oxford for the babys heart scan. i just want him to take more of an active role with the baby, he thinks that we got plenty of time and just treat them both equally x

 

[Jayceesmumma]

have you sat down at talked to him about it? not in an arguement..
maybe go for a relaxed meal or something and just explain how u know and appreciate what he is doing with this girl, but make him understand your fears and how it makes you feel.. u cant be stressed thru this pregnancy babe its not good for u or the baby.. really open up to him, word it right and see how it goes..

 

[niknaks]

ive tried that but he thinks im either pushing him away or then i want him all to myself and the baby. (which i know is gonna sound bad would be nice but his happiness means so much to me hence why i hate seeing him being treated like nothing)oh and he just told me that her mum wants to take her to brazil now but he says hes gonna fight for her to stay here.
even if i did explain all that hes all like shes been in my life before you, you dont understand, but the thing is i wouldnt want him to forget her or anything, just want him to treat our son the same way.
i know, keep saying that to him, and hes all like you stress yourself out, its just so annoying cos ive tried so hard with this girl and sometimes shes really cold with me and him too or then i just dont feel comfortable its only since ive got pregnant that shes finally made an effort with me. for one of her bdays i even got her a phone when me and oh were struggling a bit, then she ended up selling it a few months down the line and oh was like she wanted to and told her off but then ended up getting her another phone he says thats her last. ive told him im never buying her anything again. im just so annoyed, dont even feel like going to work cos i feel so down x

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I don't know what else to suggest babe.. I think he needs to stop saying 'I knew her first' coz that's not how priorities are made! It's not like you want him to never see her again.. Just to pay you and the baby more attention an reassure you that the baby your carrying is going to be loved as much as or even more than her! Doesn't sound like he understands your point.. My OH frustrates the hell out of me when he thinks he knows the point I'm making when it's 100% wrong!!!
Maybe try and explain it in a different way? Men need things worded differently to us
He sounds like a really decent guy I'm sure he will put baby first when it's here.. But I understand ur point totally

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I'd be well pissed off about the phone thing too!
And if her mum wants to take her to brazil then he should let her.. If it's gonna give her a better quality of life then he can't stand in the way. If she keeps dropping out of school etc she cant be happy where she is..

 

[niknaks]

yeah i know, men are so weird. why cant they realise they'll never win over a woman lol i tried being nice to him and explaining but he was all like you dont understand. so then i put it bluntly that this baby needs his dad and how i needed to know now that he'll be there for him at a drop of a hat and he says he will then he explained everything he does for me then all the stuff he does for the baby and in a way he was right but also told him i just want him to put the baby first or at least on an equal level to his niece. he didnt ask to be born after her hes just here now and he has to deal with it and cant rub it in my face that she was there before. then he apologised and he taking me out tomorrow cos he was angry and he didnt mean to stress me out.

about the whole school thing thats what i keep saying. she went to brazil with her mum last year for the whole school hols and loved it, and her mums got loads of family there. to be honest i think its him where hes got so attached to her an also where shes growing up maybe hes scared. he is really lovely, i couldnt have met a better man but its only when things involve her it starts to change. just cant wait till the babys here i just know things will be different xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

So glad you've ha a talk with him and it seems to have sunk in that your not trying to push her out u just need reassurance.. If she's happy in brazil then he shouldn't stop her.. There's always webcams etc and maybe you could all go and visit?? Or she can visit you on her school holidays if she's not too busy with her new friends! She's growing up and won't need him soon he needs to let go a bit..

Glad to hear he is taking you out he does sound like a diamond, just needs to understand you a bit more which is hard for men lol but he will get there in the end

U sound alot calmer now babe xx

 

[niknaks]

i know. i just wish he'd listen sometime, would love to say its a man thing but my mums the same. its like they have selective hearing or something and then twist it even more. i know, i would love a trip to brazil. think he needs to realise and where she getts a bit jealous its hard for him to see now. plus i think shes already starting to be more teen like as in with her friends. shes normally out most of the time. he is lovely really but still a pain, suppose its just a man thing. he was back to his normal self last night kissing my belly and telling me off for breathing lol i sort of stretched yesterday and baby stuck out so he got really scared lol i do feel it, plus a sort of good nights sleep really helped xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

hopefully things will settle more when baby is here babe.. Glad things are more normal now and u managed a good sleep try not to let it get u down babe xxx