Relationship totally over on my birthday.

[Frenzy]

Ugh this really is the worst birthday ever. Me and fiancé have been arguing pretty much non-stop my entire pregnancy but we were working through it and basically attributing it to being a stressful time. He moved across the country for us and found a house that was suitable. Now I really don't understand why he did that. It sounds shallow but we have been fighting a lot lately about sex and how he never seems to want it any more. It was making me so insecure and making me think he must he getting it elsewhere or satisfying himself in other ways but a couple of nights ago while drunk he said he just doesn't feel the same any more about me. That he hasn't loved me for months and that is the reason why he has no interest in me sexually and he only moved here so he could be with his baby all the time. Which really doesn't make sense as later in the night he questioned if the baby was even his and said he wants nothing to do with her. He says that he won't pay a penny for her and she is my baby, not his. He also grabbed me by the arm when I tried to pour his wine down the drain to stop him getting more drunk and nearly punched me in the face, but I ducked and he missed. He generally isn't very violent but instances like that do happen from time to time. Anyway I ended up having to move all the babies stuff I had moved to his house ready for her arrival back to my parents house. I suppose I'm lucky this happened before I moved in with him but I'm heartbroken and devastated. Obviously the sex thing was not the only thing we argued about. He never so much as got me a card for my birthday. He was planning on going to a wedding on my due date. He is terrible financially and I worry constantly about how me and the baby would survive living with him supporting us. I have been hormonal and difficult during my pregnancy as well. I suppose I just expect too much of him generally. I honestly don't know what to do now. I never planned to be a single mother on benefits in a council house but that is what is going to be happening now. I have a midwife appointment today so I'm going to need to ask for my MATB1 form. I'm so scared of just crying at this appointment today and having a breakdown. I'm worried about the effects of all this on my poor innocent baby. I have had fairly regular stomach cramps since all the extreme arguing started this week and people have said my bump looks smaller than before. Are these worrying signs? Sorry about the big block of text but my life feels like it's out of control and falling apart and I just have no idea what to do.

 

[Mum2Many]

Is he always like this, or do you think it could have been the alcohol talking? I say this because I knew someone who also went off sex with his wife during her pregnancy, and he'd make up all kind of excuses and even said the same things as yours at one point about not loving her... Turned out he was scared of hurting her/baby.

At this point the most concerning thing is the fact he tried to punch you. That sends major red flags up for me and unless he seeks help for his aggressive behaviour I'd be telling him he doesn't stand a hope in Hell of getting un-supervised time with the baby.

If you're sure this is really over, it might be worth seeking some legal advice about his visitation and rights. If he gets angry and lashes out (and you said this wasn't the first time) you don't want him having alone time with the baby, incase he does the same to her. Protecting her (and you) is the #1 thing here.

If you think it's just a relationship blip and this was out of character for him then it might be worth sitting him down and talking frankly about how you both feel and what you can do to improve the situation (couples counselling, anger management etc.)

As for the regular cramps, it's probably just braxton hicks bought on by stress, but it's always worth getting checked out by the midwife.

(((((HUGS)))))

And because he didn't say it, let me just wish you a happy belated birthday. Sometimes the things that seem really bad are actually the things that set us free and give us a new chance. Maybe that's what this birthday has been about for you.

 

[Frenzy]

Hi thanks for taking the time to read everything. He is either very very nice or awful to be around. He has done some pretty awful things in our relationship as far as cheating goes but I've always taken him back so effectively allowed him to walk all over me. I suppose that is one of the reasons the lack of desire for sex on his part made me extra insecure.

I honestly don't think he'd hurt the baby if he were alone with her. I think he could probably quite easily hurt me though as he has done before in very isolated occasions. I think it'd probably make my life easier not having him around and involved in the babies life at all but I can't honestly make a judgement whether it would be better for her or not. I don't want to see her let down by him and with the things he is saying about denying her being his and not wanting involvement. It is worrying me that he could come in and out of her life when he feels like it.

I don't think I can go back now. It's too risky to try and live with him if he could just want to break up and throw me and the baby out on the streets again next week or month. I think my baby needs some stability. I really love him and this is so hard. I got my MATB1 form for getting a house today and I just feel so depressed. I couldn't face to tell my midwife about all of this even though I feel utterly depressed. I dunno how I'm going to cope. I feel like I'll end up being a horrific mother now cause I can't be happy about anything and I'll just be miserable about my relationship breakup all the time. We were together 6 years and I feel like I've isolated myself so much in that time that I have lost all my friends and he was everything my life revolved around.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. It's been such an awful birthday. I just want to curl up and die. I feel self-involved too when I see people having worse problems like maybe their babies aren't healthy, have severe complications or they can't even have a child. I feel like I don't deserve a healthy baby. Xx

 

[Rachel80]

Of course you deserve a healthy baby, this feels like the most awful time in history but trust me you have a lot to look forward to. If I were you I'd run for the hills, speak to the council & get yourself sorted with somewhere to live ASAP - be open & honest with them & explain the violence. I would never take back a cheating partner, it teaches them they can treat you how they like & makes you lose all self respect. You've got some great times ahead of you, once you get through the tiring first few months & see your lo grow & develop its a joy & whilst I'm not single, sometimes it's easier to have a day on my own, the house stays tidy, I only have to cook for myself & if lo wakes up in the night it's only my sleep he's disturbing! Good luck, you'll be a million times better off on your own! X

 

[Mum2Many]

You are more than worthy of being a Mother hun. You'll be a great one.

I agree with previous poster, having read your second post, you need to stay away for good. He obviously has no respect for you and it sounds like you've been treated so badly you no longer believe you deserve to be treated like a Human.

It's scary to be alone, but it'll be worth it.

And I still believe you should look into some sort of legal plan for his access when the baby is born. I'm sorry, but if he can treat you that way, he can CERTAINLY treat your baby that way. Babies are sometimes frustrating, tiring, annoying, time consuming and selfish - someone with a temperament that lashes out in the way you describe is likely to do it no matter what the age of the victim. Do you want to take the risk? He may never do it, but is it worth the "maybe"? I don't think so. I'm not saying don't allow access, but don't allow unsupervised if you can avoid it.

This is just a bump in the road. In a few months you'll be so glad you walked away. Not just for your sake, but for your beautiful baby girl too.

 

[Frenzy]

Thanks for reading again. He already has kids and he is ok with them so I don't think he'd be violent probably just let her down and be inconsistent. I'm struggling to cope on my own. It's hard not speaking to him. I really miss him. I feel like a crazy person missing someone who treats me so badly but I can't seem to turn off my feelings towards him. All my family say I need to be tough and ignore him. It's just so hard to do. It's awful really cause he said he wants nothing to do with my poor baby who has done nothing to him and I'm sitting here missing him. I feel so guilty as I've always put him first and I feel like I still am when I should be focussing on my pregnancy and the baby all of my thoughts are with him. I just wish i could get him out of my head cause it's making me so miserable thinking of him 24 hours a day. Xx

 

[Mum2betash]

Hey, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I would say if he doesn't want anything to do with your baby then leave him out of your lives and if he should return in the future saying otherwise just make people (as in legal) aware of what's happened just to be safe and keep your lo from being hurt whether it's physically or emotionally. As for taking your mind of him why not treat yourself to a day or weekend out baby shopping.. You don't need to even buy anything just look around at all the lovely things, blankets, cloths, toys, etc. Have some special time with your baby, read some books to her, get some photos taken you holding your bump etc (professional or yourself) Go out with your mum baby shopping or treating yourself. I hope you start to feel better soon and I promise as soon as your lo arrives she will be the most important and biggest love you'll have in the world. You will be a perfect mummy and atleast you'll only have the 2 of you to look after. I hope you start to feel better soon xxx