problem with my father

[Hunnie]

I feel a lot closer to you all in this part of the forum and need your advice on this tricky situation . Prepare yourselves for an essay lol!

To cut a long story short, I found out this summer my dad was having an affair with a much younger woman who basically only has anything to do with him because he finances her and constantly provides her with money. My mum is fully aware of the affair and has already told him straight that if he isn't happy then he should leave but the fact is that he doesn't want to go and live in this other woman's grotty bedsit in a scummy area and prefers the cosy life he has at home in our nice house in a nice area.

We all thought the affair was over, he had told my mum it was, and had come round more to the idea him being allowed to be a Granddad to LO as he seemed to have become a normal person again and wasn't acting too bad towards us all. I was happy for him to be able to take LO out for the day etc. and just generally be a granddad to her.

I've found out this weekend though that affair isn't over at all and this other woman keeps telling him to leave my mum because she is desperate for a family of her own. The fact is that because of surgical reasons my dad cant provide her with one and I have this worry in my head that if I allow my dad to be able to take LO out on unaccompanied trips then he will take her to see this other woman and quite frankly I don't want her filthy hands anywhere near to something that is so precious to me.

I don't think I can trust or forgive my dad at all anymore. He has been so awful to my mum when she hasn't deserved one bit of it and even carried on having the affair whilst she was battling breast cancer. He never once went to any appointments with her and instead I did but at the time I just thought it was because he didn't know how to deal with the situation and would disappear out during most days. Its become more obvious now that this was to go and visit "her" as he wasn't working at the time.

I really don't think I want him to be a Granddad to my LO anymore and I know you cant choose who your family is but quite frankly what he has done disgusts me and I don't feel like I can trust him. He isn't the person I thought he was. It was my birthday yesterday and he never once said happy birthday, yet the other woman by the looks of the messages I've read, got lots of gifts and a nice happy birthday text message. Just a simple happy birthday to me would have been nice but I guess it shows to him who is more important.

Its hard not to end up using LO as a weapon but I feel he doesn't have the right to see her or be apart of hers or my life anymore. The only reason why Im being remotely civil to him at the minute is because I still have to live under the same roof as him (not for much longer thank god!!!!!!) and because I really dont need him shouting at me and provoking me into an arguement with him which I end up getting majorly upset about. Its the last thing I need in these last few weeks .

What do you all think I should do? I know grandparents have some rights but I really don't want him to be part of LO's life and my OH isnt too keen on the idea either.

 

[positivity :)]

i totally understand your point of view and whether its right or wrong i would feel the same way and not want him anywhere near my LO. your dad sounds very selfish and i'm really sorry you and your mum are going through this, i dont think i could forgive him for not being there for your mum during her battle with breast cancer, just sounds like an awful situation. dont think i've helped much but just wanted to say, do what you want..he does so think about yourself and your LO xx

 

[jomc]

I cant offer any advice in terms of experience but I completely agree with Positivity above. He had only ever thought of himself and you need to do the same. You need to do what makes u happy and if that means he doesnt get to see LO either on his own on only under ur supervision, then so be it. This is ur family so what u says goes xxx

 

[Hunnie]

I think I was just looking for support in that what Im feeling is completely acceptable. It upsets me so much that he is clearly ruining the chance to be involved and I feel horrible for not including him but I just keep thinking well its his choice to act like that, no one is making him.

 

[Verity2011]

I really feel for you Hunnie and you're completely in the right in how you're feeling. That's not using LO as a weapon, it's being sensible and protective of her and that is your right. Just because someone is a blood relative does not mean they automatically have rights to treat their family in any way they want without repercussions nor do they automatically get to be things like doting grandparents. I stopped speaking to my father completely around 4 years ago (long story but he has never been in touch since either) and I am actually much closer to my step dad who will be my LO's grandfather (and will be given his name as his second name).

However you feel is the right thing and don't ever doubt that you're in the right no matter what your father says to you.
xxxxx

 

[ceris]

at the end of the day hunnie, your baby girl is YOUR daughter, and if you believe it is in her best interests not to be involved with the grandfather and his other woman then that is your decision. The fact he spent time with her rather than supporting your mum through a truly terrible ordeal is shocking.... i cant believe you are all so calm about it! i genuinely think that if you and oh decide not to allow him involvement, then that is the right decision for you and your family. It is his loss hun xxx

 

[Hunnie]

The only real reason why I think we are all so calm is that between me, my mum and my brother we have a bit of an alliance and know that now isnt the right time to set off WW3 :/. Its so difficult and he is such an angry and nasty man, we all absolutely hate living with him.

I know my mum wants out of it all but financially at the minute she is pretty stuck. Once LO is here though and me and OH are in our own house I have told her she can come up for respite away from the nobhead I unfortunately have to call my father.

I just dont get why he does it? Fair enough (kind of) if my mum nagged him constantly and made his life hell but she doesnt! and never has!!

 

[l_maclean]

Can I be awkard and throw in a slightly opposite point of view here. Firstly just want to say i totally understand where you are coming from, and from the way you describe it, it sounds like you're dad has been down right bloody awful to ur mum when she needed him, and that must be awful for you.

However, is there anyway you'd feel able to discuss this with your dad?? even just writing him a letter?? explain why ur so hurt and how you feel about him and LO, especially with his fancy woman.

The reason i think you should try to let him have some sort of realtionship with ur daughter, is for ur LO's sake. MY dad and his mum fell out MAJORLY about 20ish years ago. She died this year, and i feel really really cheated out of the fact that i had to stop seeing my gran. The whole thing had an even worse effect on my brother who is only 22 and doesnt really remember what it was like before they fell out. I know in my head that my dad had perfectly valid reasons for us not seeing his mother, but it doesnt stop me feeling like i missed out on knowing my gran because both of them couldnt behave like adults.

I realise ur situtaion is slightly different, but i just wanted to give u something else to consider.

hope i dont sound like a bitch.
xxx

 

[Hunnie]

Can I be awkard and throw in a slightly opposite point of view here. Firstly just want to say i totally understand where you are coming from, and from the way you describe it, it sounds like you're dad has been down right bloody awful to ur mum when she needed him, and that must be awful for you.

However, is there anyway you'd feel able to discuss this with your dad?? even just writing him a letter?? explain why ur so hurt and how you feel about him and LO, especially with his fancy woman.

The reason i think you should try to let him have some sort of realtionship with ur daughter, is for ur LO's sake. MY dad and his mum fell out MAJORLY about 20ish years ago. She died this year, and i feel really really cheated out of the fact that i had to stop seeing my gran. The whole thing had an even worse effect on my brother who is only 22 and doesnt really remember what it was like before they fell out. I know in my head that my dad had perfectly valid reasons for us not seeing his mother, but it doesnt stop me feeling like i missed out on knowing my gran because both of them couldnt behave like adults.

I realise ur situtaion is slightly different, but i just wanted to give u something else to consider.

hope i dont sound like a bitch.
xxx

nope you dont at all! this is the reason why I posted in the first place because I am genuinely interested in everyone's perspectives on the situation. I know exactly what you mean and the thought has run through my head because I enjoyed being round my granddad so much when I was younger and Id love for LO to have the same family based experience as I had.

I would never want her to judge me when shes older for not allowing her to see him and all the missed out time. Id like for her to be able to make her own judgements on him but at the same time want to make sure shes safe :/. I dont think its possible for a small child to understand situations but its what do I do between the age gap of her being young and the age of being mature enough to be able to choose for herself? :/

 

[l_maclean]

I would never want her to judge me when shes older for not allowing her to see him and all the missed out time. Id like for her to be able to make her own judgements on him but at the same time want to make sure shes safe :/. I dont think its possible for a small child to understand situations but its what do I do between the age gap of her being young and the age of being mature enough to be able to choose for herself? :/

I dont judge my dad, cos ive heard what my gran did, but it still kinda niggles me that the choice was taken out of my hands if that makes sense.

Thats why i wondered if you could explain some of how ur feeling to ur dad. Like how you dont want his other woman involved with ur daughter. Plus lots of grandparents dont live close enough to their g/kids to be a huge part of their lives, but enough so they can know them,

unfortunately my parents are prob gonna see my kids on high days and holidays, cos of the distance. maybe you could do somethings like that - you know, let him be involved at birthdays etc, or you, oh and Lo do something with him so that you'd know that SHE wasnt there.

xxx

 

[lewisca]

Oh hunnie it's a crap situation ! He has behaved appallingly to his family and no one can blame u for feeling this way. I personally don't see my biological dad and haven't for few years although when I have bumped into him round my sisters he ignores me and my kids !! But have a fantastic step dad. How bout u let your dad see your daughter but only supervised ? Legally grandparents have no rights at all so if things do break down completely between him and your mum he can't throw that at u . At the end of the day Hun u have to do what u feel is right as your daughter gets older u can give her the option of what she wants to do xxx


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[leannesxb]

My dad had a affair when my mum was in hospital. She was in having my brother with pre-eclampsia. They had tried for 9 years with IVF to have him but apparently the call of a much younger woman was far to much to resist. I have had many many problems with him in the past few years so now I won't have contact with him and definitely won't let him have any contact with my kids. xxxxxx

 

[Hunnie]

Its a difficult one. My dad knows that I know but I havent said anything to him about it yet :/.

thank you for all your help ladies xxxxxxxxxxxxx