so stressed and angry :o(

[claireyfairey]

Argh, girlies, I am so stressed out this evening!

As some of you know I am moving back to my mum and dad's house this week as we can't stay at OH's parents because they don't have room for us and the baby....well it is my mum and dad's wedding anniversary today so I went over to cook them some dinner as a present to them. I knew it was going to be a nightmare as soon as my brother turned up

My brother and I really don't get on. To cut a long story short he is slightly autistic (he's older than me but is more like a 15 year old mentally) and can be very verbally and occasionally physically aggressive. Anyway, my mum is having problems in her job at the moment and is extremely stressed out, and my brother started hassling her for money and giving her a hard time and I couldn't help myself intervene He has his own flat but he never spends any time there, he spends all his spare time at my mum and dad's, my mum does all his washing and cooking and she cleans his flat because it is a total SHITHOLE and I am not even joking. She manages his money because he has no concept of how to look after his money, she makes sure he pays all his bills because he doesn't even open his post - it would just stay on the floor by the door for weeks if she didn't open it. My mum does all his food shopping for him (not that he's ever at his flat to eat any of it because he is always at my parent's house), she changes his bed for him, she washes up for him - she basically does EVERYTHING. How does he repay her? By making a mess at her house whenever he's there, by using their computer to look at porn and not even bothering to hide it, by being verbally abusive to her when he's in a bad mood and he has used physical violence at times too....and he just expects her to sort his life out for him. He has problems, but he has the most cushty little life cut out that he has absolutely no inclination to take ANY responsibility for himself. He treats my parents like absolute dirt and I'm fed up with it. So we ended up rowing and spoilt the evening. He said he hoped I lose my baby Little *******.

I said to him that when OH and I have to live there that he is not going to come round as often because I want a peaceful environment for LO....I want to be able to spend time with her during the day by myself without him turning up at all hours when he feels like it to make a mess, or come round to shout at mum and dad so he can get some money. I don't want him there all the time....I can't stand the sight of him

It makes me so mad that my mum and dad do all these things for him and get so little respect in return I know he has problems and they keep telling me how they can't just abandon him to screw his life up because he is their son, and that I will understand when I have children of my own.....and I see their point but it's the total lack of respect for my mum and dad which makes me so mad!!!

I just don't know how I'm going to manage at my mum's I don't want to go there at all. It would be fine if my brother wasn't there all the time....I don't see why he should be there all the time when he has his own bloody flat. I wouldn't be there if I had my own flat....y'know???


Grrrr I'm so mad I don't really know what this rant is all about....just wish I had a place of my own and that my brother didn't exist I feel bad for saying that but I really hate him right now, and wouldn't care if I never saw him again. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!




C x

 

[kerryp]

i have no idea how to help but wanted to let you know that im thinking of you... i hope everything gets better soon.

 

[NickyB]

What a terrible thing to say to you

It has to be said though, and devil's advocate here, why should he do anything for himself if it's easier if your Mum does it? I know he has problems, but he needs to also take some responsibility (having said this, I know very little about autism, so might be being very niáve). I feel for you, I'd be mad as hell in your position!

 

[claire2711]

Can't realy help....but have these

 

[claireyfairey]

What a terrible thing to say to you

It has to be said though, and devil's advocate here, why should he do anything for himself if it's easier if your Mum does it? I know he has problems, but he needs to also take some responsibility (having said this, I know very little about autism, so might be being very niáve). I feel for you, I'd be mad as hell in your position!

That's exactly my point and what frustrates me....he doesn't feel the need to change because mum and dad let him get away with his behaviour and they have done for years....they feel trapped now, and feel like they can't just withdraw themselves from him...but it is because of them that he acts the way he does. It's a catch 22 situation...no-one knows what to do but it makes me mad as hell and my parents just want an easy life so they try to keep him sweet because it's easier than when he's mad.

There are other factors as to why they feel obligated to help him...he was assaulted on the way home for the pub a few years back and nearly died...he refused any councelling and this must obviously have an effect. He also has a very on and off relationship with a girl who had a baby last year, and the social services are currently investigating her for child neglect...but we know for a fact that she was sleeping around at the time the baby was conceived, so we are waiting for her to comply to a DNA test but she keeps managing to worm her way out of it....so me having a baby has come at a bad time because my brother is agonising over whether this one is his...

But then that's another story because we tried to tell him that this girl was using him for money and sleeping around, but he just didn't want to know....he'd come home in such fits of temper and hit out at people because he was stressed out about this girl....but you try and tell him she's no good or try and give him some advice....and you think he's listening and that you've made an impression and then he takes no notice of you and goes back to her or does the thing you warned him not to do! Time and time again. I'm sick of wasting my breath and then having him come home and be mean to everybody because he did the very thing he was warned not to!

It's such a complicated, screwed up situation

 

[Ani]

Sending you hugs...

I have an awful relationship with my brother too, and it has been going on since our childhood, so I can kind of understand what you are going through. I have no advice, just wanted to tell you you are not alone.

 

[Mildly]

I agree with Nicky, your Mum is making it way too easy for your brother to take advantage. Even with his other problems, the assault and the baby, he still needs to take responsibility for his own actions. I can see why you are so frustrated with the situation

 

[sarah12]

 

[claireyfairey]

Thanks for the hugs girls I'm feeling a bit better this morning

 

[Laura_James&Amber]

I don't have any advice but didn't like to read and run so giving you loads of hugs

 

[dannii87]

Glad you're feeling better this morning, sometimes a good ol' sleep makes things seem a bit better

I don't know what to suggest, I agree with NickyB too and also understand your parents view. From an outsider, I'd say they should stop doing what they're doing for him and let him make the mistakes he needs to make in order to grow up and realise he has a responsability as an adult, but on the other hand, it must be SO hard to let that happen when you know you can just pop round there, tidy up a bit and help that way.

I know you probably don't feel like doing this, but sometimes if I butter my brother up (he's 17) and talk to him REALLY nicely and calmly he seems to get it!?

Like, I know you shouldn't HAVE to (at all..) but it might make things a bit better for YOU and you are most important right now. Maybe pop round to see him later and just tell him how proud you are of him and that when he comes round and is nasty to your parents, it really upsets you. You could say you love him SOOO damn much when he's nice, and you really want LO one love him as much as you do etc but that things need to change in order for that to happen?

When he comes round next and starts kicking off, it might be worth taking him to one side and giving him a cuddle and saying "is everything ok? You know I'm here if you need to talk, but Mum & Dad don't deserve this so if you ever feel angry or anything, try and talk about it instead of kicking off as it really upsets me and I want to LOOK FORWARD to your visits, not DREAD them"

I'm not making excuses for him, but in his head he might find it hard to rationalise and he might think "Claire is allowed to stay with Mum & Dad with her baby, she's the good one, the one who is bringing a baby into the world which Mum & Dad are going to love, I might be left out" etc...?

I don't know what to say, although he sounds like a complete shit, you have to think of you (number 1).

xxxx

 

[claireyfairey]

I think you're right Dannii....and he probably does need more understanding and maybe some of my sympathy....but it's so hard. I feel awful saying it but I feel like I just don't care about him anymore, I'm at my wits end I shocked Will last night by admitting that sometimes I feel like I don't love him and I wouldn'nt be bothered if I never saw him again Which I understand is harsh but I just feel like Ive been doing this for the past 5 years or so, and I just can't take it any more

Maybe when LO is born I will be able to talk to him. For now I'm going to hold off moving to my mum's until next week. Just my bloody luck that he is on two weeks holiday from work starting yesterday though...which means he'll be bumming around the house even more than usual. So I will wait until next week for the sake of my sanity and just pray that LO doesn't decide to make an early appearance

C xxx